Day 49 - Learning about yourself

So according to Facebook, 5 years (and one day) ago Natalie and I completed the Chase the Yeti OCR event. Thinking back over those five years has opened up some interesting thoughts about how sometimes we need to reflect on where we were, in order to understand where we would like to be.

Natalie will tell you that it was an awful experience, honestly - and I have absolutely no qualms about taking full responsibility for that and apologising completely (I hope I've already done it directly but maybe not). I completely ruined that event by complaining the whole way round, about everything. I then sprinted to the finish to "win". Every single thing about that previous statement can rightly be classed as a dick move. Looking back I cringe at my behaviour, but even more for the reason behind it.

I let my ego and arrogance completely overtake me. Rick and I had been doing a few of these runs for a while by this point but he was getting better and I wasn't. I had stopped enjoying them because I hated losing, and I hated that I wasn't improving. Of course my arrogance at the time refused to allow me to accept that maybe it was because he was putting a shit load more work in than I was! I was frustrated and, instead of doing something about it, I just grumbled. In my arrogance I just assumed I would be able to do this because, well why wouldn't I?

Another part of it was that I didn't want to show this new girl that I was rubbish at something. Egotistical fucking asshole. 

What I should have been doing is what I am doing now - working harder to improve whilst removing ego from the equation. Instead of trying not to disappoint Natalie (and myself) I should have been taking the positives and working out how to make myself better each time. Accept your limitations, but don't let them define you, and work on making the most of them. Be humble, gracious and work hard. For some reason when I read those words back I hear them in my mum's voice, and that tells you just how good advice it is!

Fast forward 5 years. 

I stood on the line today with zero negative thoughts, zero ego and (OK maybe not completely) zero arrogance - certainly about the run. I knew what was coming and I embraced what it would tell me about myself, instead of fearing it. The difference was astonishing. I know full well I'm near the back of the field, and my time today would embarrass anyone who considers themselves a runner. 

I could not care less. I put everything I had into today, and trusted that the end product is simply what it is. No target other than complete the task. No losing mental battles. Yeah physically I struggled, despite my recent weight loss I'm still an overweight 39 year old with a chronic lack of fitness and a dodgy body. 

But it doesn't matter. I put myself out there, I put my ego and arrogance away and just enjoyed today for what it was. It was a challenge, and part of the trick of challenges is picking the right goals - the right definition of success. 

34 year old me was an arrogant, egotistical, petty child at times. Interested in the wrong things, targeting the wrong "successes" and trying to be someone I'm not, nor would I ever truly want to be. It cost me a lot, and it deserved too.

But 39 year old me is (I hope) a better human being. The one I wanted to be when I was 18, the one with all the dreams for the future and the whole world ahead of me. The one with a sense of pride, but in the right things. The one I hope Katie is proud of, and the one I hope (some of you at least!) are happy to call a friend. It's a long journey back to me, and I'm still on the road. But as long as I focus on the right things, I'll get there.

Post Race Party

No surprises that today's charity is the amazing Christie Trust. I cannot repeat enough what they have done for my family over the years, and how they still inspire me on a daily basis. The world is a better place because of them, a shining beacon in the darkest, most frightening of places. They don't have all the answers, but anything you can give (here - please either donate direct or use Lil/Dad/Ann's Snowdon Event) gets us closer

For you mum, always.

Till tomorrow, Tom