Days 128 to 134 - Another week

It's amazing how you can be busy the whole week, not have time to sit down and blog every night, and then come to write about the week's events and have literally NOTHING that seems relevant, important or interesting to say. And it has been a week in which we've have started to open up a bit here in Louisiana and begin the process of moving back towards the new normal - whatever that looks like. So it should have had things of interest to discuss.

The dichotomy between being busy but being unable to relate any of that to others is strange. I don't feel like I have the interest in telling you about what I've been up to, and for that reason I'm almost sure you don't have any interest in hearing! It's by no means terrible, but it just feels completely devoid of substance, shorn of any direction. It feels like motions being gone over, because that is what we do sometimes. We just grind the handle and the weeks go by.

And I certainly have plenty of things I want to be able to do one the lockdown is relaxed a bit more. But I don't think I can honestly look back on the last few months and say that I have made the best use of the time. I've not done nothing, in fact when I look at the list of things I've been up to it is actually quite full, but I just don't feel like any of it was of consequence. I just don't feel like any of it made a difference. 

I turn 40 this year and, unavoidably, milestones often find you looking back and taking stock of your life and your achievements. This last couple of years have obviously been very different and very difficult but even despite that I haven't managed to make as many positive changes and progressions as I would like. 

You can become acutely aware of things that you used to take for granted not being there anymore. And often you didn't even realise you had lost them. There are obvious ones, the biggies that cannot be avoided. But there are more subtle ones - friendships that you have neglected to the point where you can't remember the last time you physically saw people - hobbies or projects that you started so long ago that all they are now is a distant memory of a dream or passion you let drift. These hurt too, realising that you've missed out on experiences and memories that were often close enough to grasp, if you were just looking in the right place at the right time.

It can be disheartening, looking back on what you have done and realising that opportunities have been wasted - and in great number too. It can make it difficult to go again when you begin to question whether you have any relevance. 

Like all problems, an acknowledgement of things is step one - and I honestly know that this isn't some kind of bombshell that has dropped on me. I felt this for a while, but I've found great difficulty articulating it. And again, I don't lack for people to talk to, that isn't the problem. The problem is getting the balance right, between what you can do on your own and what you need some perspective for. 

We are often the worst at seeing our own lives through glasses with no bias, and some of us are notoriously bad at finding the right way to get that perspective and that balance. But the positive thing is that it is something you can control, something you can work on. 

There are things I miss, some beyond what you can comfortably ignore - and there probably always will be. But when I look around I know I am in a good place, and I know I have plenty of things going on in my life. It is just tapping into that and finding the right way to get passionate about these things again.

Hopefully as we move into the middle of the year I'll find a bit of mojo, get out and about a bit more and start to find that inner peace and sense of direction and purpose that has been lacking recently. 

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 124, 125, 126 and 127 - Phase 1

Friday marked the entry into Louisiana of "Phase 1" of the return from Covid-19. I'm still not sure exactly what that means. A bit like Boris's pronouncements back home everything appears to be veiled in confusion and conflicting information. 

Hopefully it means the start of a move back towards some kind of normality but, honestly, who knows. And what even is normal anymore? The world is changing beyond belief in such a short space of time and trying to find a place in it is an ever moving target too it seems.

Not really knowing what is going to happen is the hardest thing. Trying to prepare for the key parts of the year with only vague plans available. When will I get back to see Katie? Will I be home alone on my 40th? How long will it be before I can give someone a hug (as much as I like my work colleagues we are a way from that at this point!)? You try to take the little snippets of positivity you get and use them to build a foundation, but you just don't know what the foundation is built on.

Gears are beginning to grind. The pool and gym have reopened at limited capacity - though the sight of the side panels being raised on the gym too might give you some idea of the temperature at nearly 6pm in the evening (30+C in case you were wondering). 

And the great thing about the heat is that it also brings the rains. It is a seemingly never ending cycle here - build up of humidity and temperature, awesome storm, really pleasant post storm "glow", and repeat.

At least I should start to get out and see more of Baton Rouge as Phase  builds. It may be a while before domestic travel becomes the norm again but the bits I've managed to see recently have been pretty promising. As the bars and restaurants tentatively begin to open their doors I hope that one of the key purposes of this blog (showcasing this part of the world) will happen on a more regular basis.

For now though, let me leave you with tonight's dinner - Creole-spiced chicken and andouille jambalaya. A taste of the south, hopefully there will be many more to come soon.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 122 and 123 - Reaction

Time for Part 3 of my little blog mini-series about events and their impacts. I wrote this 6 years ago, and haven't changed it for this reblog - a lot of it still stacks up. Hope to be back to new blogs from tomorrow :-) 

I've already looked at two critical elements for determining the overall effect that a particular event might have, namely the context and the timing. I now want to look at the third important element, possibly the most vital of them all, which is reaction. 

In terms of our ability to affect and control the impact of events we have a much more limited influence on timing and context. Yes we can anticipate events and try to alter the profile of an impact, so to speak, but we generally have very little control over these aspects. 

Reaction on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. 

The impact of an event is often only as important or as unimportant as WE choose to make it. I'm not saying shitty things don't happen or that everything can be fixed with a "can do" attitude. I'm just saying that often our reaction to an event can be the most important factor in determining the impact or severity of that event. Perspective and a hint of positivity can go a long way. 

It is difficult sometimes obviously. Not everything can be dealt with positively, and not everything should be. There are certain events for which there is no rational and logical approach. Some things need to be cried about, some things ARE the end of the world and some things should be taken seriously. But it is important to always remember that your reaction is one of the things that define an event and often a sense of proportion can be lost when reactions are, well, "poor". 

I have been terrible in that past at this. My reaction to certain things is a big part of the reason I am where I am. There were things that, looking back now, I got terribly terribly wrong. Events that were difficult were made impossible and events that were trivial were made difficult. Situations that should have been easy to solve became difficult and my life ended up taking a path it probably didn't have to. 

The most important thing is to learn to recognise HOW your behaviour and reaction to an event can affect its impact, even after the event has happened. This is not something that is particular common in nature where cause tends to lead to effect with no place for post-event "control". 

But we have the ability and the power to shape that effect, to make it what we need it to be and not just a function of the factors which caused it. This is why I think our reaction to things is even more important than the timing or the context. We can have a direct influence on things (both for good and for bad) and I think too many people don't understand that. 

Or maybe they sub-consciously don't enjoy the responsibility. A lot of people are too quick to complain when everything goes against them without realising that a lot of the time (not all of the time I grant you) their reaction to things can actually greatly influence the net impact. Maybe they like being able to blame something rather than face the (sometimes difficult) choice of what can be done about it. 

Sometimes it can feel like the world is spiralling away from you and there is nothing you can do about it. You feel trapped, isolated and complete helpless. But that doesn't have to be the case all the time. 

There are things we can do about it, things we can control which can help with managing the situations. Positivity and an understanding that WE have a much greater say in things than we sometimes believe is a small step of the way. And if we also become better at finding a sense of perspective and taking some responsibility for events then I genuinely think we can make a difference. 

So always remember, events are shaped by causes - but they are often shaped just as importantly by how WE react to them and how we choose to allow the consequences and impacts to manifest.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 121 - Context

Part 2 of my little mini-series concerning events and their impacts. Last time I talked about the importance of timing and how that can influence the overall actual impact of an event. But often just as important as timing is the context of an event, the background against which that event might take place.

Things are rarely black and white. It is rarely the case that something is completely one thing or the other. Shades of grey permeate all aspects of our life - not THOSE shades of grey though, I'll be steering well clear of those! And it is the same with events, the context is so important to determining the impact which a particular occurrence will ultimately have.

The first thing to remember with events is that the impact will be inherently different for all observers of that event. For example, the impact of a train delay is inextricably linked to your other travel plans. A minor train delay can have essentially one of three major impacts (1) it might make you late for your next connection - negative impact (2) your previous connection was late but the delay has allowed you to make this connection - positive impact (3) you don't have a connection - neutral impact. One event, three contexts and so three net impacts.

But there are other scenarios in which context is vital. Some occurrences of the "same" event can have vastly different impacts dependent on the other conditions and criteria. For example, losing your keys is usually much more of a concern when you are trying to get into somewhere as opposed to getting out. The critical event is essentially identical but the impact is significantly less in one scenario than the other.

We have to be careful to take context into account when analysing an event and the impact it is having. The same event won't always have the same impact. The severity of the impact is also subject to the context - we are back again at shades of grey rather than a black and white view of things.

One of the things I know I have been poor at in the past is overreaction - overplaying the impact of something without stopping to really think about the context. Treating things as a "disaster" without really taking the time to actually consider what the impact really was.

So it is key to take a step back from events and assess the impact properly. Don't just assume that the impact is always the same for similar events and try to consider the positive contextual aspects as well as concentrating on the fact that it could be a disaster. And also think about the scale of the impact, as it is rarely at one end or the other.

I touched last week on events in which time and context were both key factors in determining an overall impact and in truth it is more often the case that the impact is a function of both of these rather than just one. Rarely do you have time without context (or vice-versa) and the interplay between the two is important in determining the overall impact.

Timing and context are both inherent factors to an event and you often don't have a significant amount of real influence on these. Usually the best you can do is try to prepare and to minimise the negative impact from the event. This leads on to the factor that I want to talk about next time, the reaction to an event.

In many ways this is the key element, as this is the one that you have the most control over and the one that you can manipulate with a much higher degree of freedom. So in the next blog I will look at this, at how the event impact can actually be shaped by what takes place AFTERWARDS, rather than before and during.

Till tomorrow, Tom 

Days 113,114,115,116,117,118,119,120 - Timing

8 days without posting. It is fair to say I have well and truly lost my mojo. A bad combination of missing home, struggling with work and suffering physically is all adding up to giving me no desire to share my thoughts - and to be honest my thoughts have pretty much dried up. 

But I want to get back into this. When I was feeling positive earlier in my trip it was because I was blogging, because I was getting my brain emptied regularly and making sure I didn't fester. Sure a lot more has gone wrong since then, but that wasn't supposed to be the point of this. The point of this was to be forward thinking. And even though nothing any politician has said in the past 3 weeks has convinced me we are getting out of this anytime soon, looking forward is the theme from now one.

Now, I've got a really busy 2-3 days coming up so the next three blogs are old ones. But it'll get me into the habit of doing things regularly and then hopefully I'll have drummed up a few new ideas by then. 

So back to June 2014 we go. I was a mere two months away from meeting the light of my life. So much has changed since then, but I think the below is still relevant, particularly with the events that have been thrown and me over the last 6 months.

Till tomorrow, Tom

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Events simply happen, with little thought on their part to the impact. This is a fact of life, and one which certainly keeps things interesting for us all!

But events on their own are simply things that happen, it is the IMPACT of the events which is important. The impact is key and this can be significantly altered dependent on three things: 1) the timing of the event, 2) the context of the event and 3) the reaction to the event.

So I thought I'd do a little mini-series looking at these three things and, probably more importantly, the interaction between them. No idea how it'll go so bear with me if you can!

So then, Timing. 

You often hear the phrase "Timing is Everything". And, like all cliches, the reason you often hear it is because it is often correct. The timing of an event/incident is of critical importance to its impact.

The impact of the arrival of an unexpected bill for example may depend critically on whether you have just been paid. Timing.

Say I am at work and a calculation I have done needs to be re-checked. This is a vastly different scenario dependent on whether it needs to be issued today or in a month. Timing.

Those of you who know about the Buncefield Fire will appreciate the importance of timing in this incident. A series of explosions and their resulting fires caused signficant damage to 20 large fuel tanks as well as numerous buildings on site. There were no deaths and only 2 significant injuries. Why? The event occured at 6am in the morning so the site was mainly uninhabited. Timing.

So it becomes very apparent, very quickly, that the impact of an event is crucially and fundamentally dependent on the timing of the event itself. And this becomes important in managing these events and limiting these impacts. You often can't do anything about the event itself, it'll happen regardless. But you CAN influence its impact if you can control the timing of it, or at least understand the importance of the timing and put steps in to mitigate.

Often I feel we channel our energies in the wrong place when it comes to events. Instead of trying to stop them happening, sometimes (and I stress SOMETIMES) the trick might be to accept that it will happen and put the steps in place to limit the impact by controlling/understanding the timing.

But on the other side of the coin, I know it often isn't that simple. Timing is critical but it can also be heavily linked to the context of an event too. Take, for example, football and the oft-stated phrase "a good time to score". This is implying that (although all goals are worth the same) the timing of a goal is a critical factor in its importance. No doubt this is true in some situations, but the context is important too. A last minute penalty is worth a bit more at 0-0 in a World Cup Final than at 3-0 down versus the Dog and Duck on a Sunday.

So the interaction between timing and context is important here, and this is something I want to touch on in a bit more depth in a later part of this series. Tomorrow I will look at the second factor which can determine the impact of an event, the Context. Hopefully enough of you will be back!

Days 108,109,110,111,112 - Enough already

I'll be honest, this week has been bad. 

It is the first real week of the lockdown where I've felt helpless and lonely. As we drift into May it is becoming more and more apparent that this crisis still has a long way to go - and I have no idea when I'll see the people who are important again.

Possibly related to the above, I've had a mental block the entire time, running out of things to say without repeating myself. There are some things that in an ideal world I'd like to say, but sometimes the right thing to say is nothing - the good of the many more important than the good of one after all. Take a deep breath and control only those variables you have influence over.

Today marks two years since we said goodbye, physically, to mum. We'll never say a complete goodbye, those whom we love never truly leave. But it still hurts like hell. The voice of reason and calm has been missed more than I can ever say these last few years. With everything that has gone on, and with what may still be to come, you can't help think it may have been different had she been around.

It is draining, mentally and physically. My body isn't reacting well to the semi-enforced confinement (I managed 1km yesterday before my knee swelled to the size of a grapefruit - it's still not looking great) and no matter how many hobbies and distractions you give yourself there are still a lot of hours in the day for introspection. It is getting harder not to see Katie, and harder to watch people beginning to think about things moving towards normality back home when I am so far away and much a long way from normal. 

I'll also be honest in that I still harbour a resentment about this whole thing. I'm not arrogant enough to believe the universe has it in for me, I'm an invisible dot on an invisible dot after all, but sometimes I do look around last things and think "enough already". 

After every that happened last year, all the devastation and soul-gutting torment, this year was supposed to offer some relief. A chance to start afresh (not completely but at least partially) and take some time to discover me and make some positive changes to my life. And I am giving it my all to do that. As painful as it is to leave some things in the past I really felt like I was making great strides. 

Then this. I know I'm crying over nothing, I know in the grand scheme of things my suffering is pitiful compared to others. But dammit it feels like every time I make positive progress something jumps out to stall it. It sucks, it is debilitating and it makes me want to scream in frustration and anger.

I saw an article today which said it could be 2021 before Trump considers relaxing international travel to the point where I can have visitors or get home. Don't be fooled by his "open the country" rhetoric. It's all internal, the international community will have to wait. So that means I may not even be halfway through this. 

Its been 112 days since I gave Katie a hug, 112 days since I set off on this big adventure. I'd just like the world to uphold its end of the bargain and let me do what I set out to do. I'm not asking for the impossible, I'm not asking for anything beyond the norm. I'm just asking for a fair run at this. Enough already.

Till tomorrow, Tom