Days 79&80 - Calm amongst the storm

Have you ever looked at the night sky? I mean REALLY looked at it. It is staggeringly beautiful and mind-blowing at the same time. There are officially 88 modern constellations according to the IAU (International Astronomical Union) but the view is so much more than patterns and billions upon billions of twinkling lights.

Astronomy is one of the oldest sciences as cultures as far back as the Babylonians and Maya recorded observations of the night sky (and put their findings to practical use in most cases). In fact, almost every civilisation there has ever been has looked to the heavens and tried to understand the universe or simply marvelled at the beauty of it.

As a scientist by nature, the way the stars and planets interact and the "celestial dance" they perform across our night sky is fascinating, but today I want to get away from the mechanics and look at the aesthetics and the "feel" of the sky. Because it is contains a beauty and serenity that is all too often overlooked.

The night sky is slow - I don't mean that literally as we travel through it at something approaching 30km per second. But things seem to happen slowly. Yes the stars will move over time, but the movement as you look at them is essentially undiscernable. And the light from some of these stars has taken so long to get here that the star is long gone. Everything about gazing at the night sky is an exercise in patience and relaxation.

We in the built-up areas of the Western world don't get to see the sky in all its glory due to light pollution but it is truly magical sight. On a cloudless night and with the right location you can stare for hours at the majestic beauty of the cosmos and still only see a fraction of a fraction of what there is to see. You can go back every night for a lifetime and see something new each time.

That is another aspect of staring at the sky that I find so appealing, the sense of scale. Some have great difficulty in understanding their place in the universe but I take great comfort in being (as Gargravarr in the Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy put it so succinctly) "An invisible dot on an invisible dot, infinitely small".

There is something, for me, so relaxing and soothing about the night sky. It is hard to convey in words but it is a kind of enjoyment in the infiniteness of it. The knowledge that the universe is so vast and old puts our short, small journey through it into perspective. As I said before, some don't like to think of life as essentially a blip on the radar of existence but personally I take great comfort from the sense proportion it gives me.

It is a difficult time for the world at the moment. There seems to be so much wrong, so much to fix, so much to lament :-( But every time I look up into that sky I still retain that sense of wonder, that understanding that everything is possible and that sense of serenity that comes when you realise that all your struggles can be forgotten in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't make problems go away but, for me, staring up at the night sky helps me to remember that problems and stresses are only as important as I decide to make them and there is so much more to life than that.

So next time you get a chance, pick a spot in the sky, stare at it and remember the first time you ever looked in wonder at the universe out there. Remember that time when the sky was a place of beauty and amazement. If you are anything like me then you might be amazed at how much better your own little universe feels afterwards. Especially in these trying times.

Stay safe. Show love.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 78 - Read the instructions

Really good first weekend in the lockdown. Managed to get out to do a bit of shopping but generally spent it in the company of friends. Sunday carried on the theme of Saturday really. I caught up with Katie again, this time as she was doing one of her Christmas craft packs. She's got (or at least had before there was a mass cull) literally dozens of these lying around the bedroom. From "knit your own" scarves to science projects and slime kits through geology kits and "do-it-yourself" crafts.

Today's episode of Katie Crafts (her idea, but I'm running with it as a brand now) was making lip balm. It is so good seeing her embracing the creative side of things during this lockdown instead of resorting to the easy route out of being glued to some sort of electronic device. 

Way too many kids already spend a lot of time on their devices and I think it behoves us all as adults to bring back a sense of creativity and ingenuity. We've got a good chance to break the cycle here, don't take the easy route out. Now of course it is easy for me to say that as I'm on my own over here and you are likely having to deal with your kids and their boredom level 24/7 - but I'll swap you in a heartbeat. I'd take a year of having to keep Katie entertained full time over being on my own and free to indulge my own interests. Don't take it for granted.

Speaking of interests, my exciting new hobby arrived Friday - a bonsai treen starter kit. Imagine my excitement in opening the box, checking the contents, reading the little manual on how to do it. Now imagine the look on the face at instruction 6 - "within 2-3 years your tree will be ready for training"! TWO TO THREE YEARS!!! Talk about a long term investment, I could go get another degree in that time. Still, true investments take time to come to fruition. Things that are worth having don't come easy and you can't shy away when the going gets tough. So the seeds are soaking and the first step in the cycle has begun. Please check back in 2-3 years for further results!!

A couple of other new hobbies are on the horizon too. All I'll say is be glad I'm 4000 miles away and you can't hear me. Oh my neighbours are going to hate me. They might even stop their nighttime adventures long enough to complain. I hope they do lol.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 76&77 - Find a way

I'm writing this at 11pm after one of those unexpected days that help to remind you of the power of communication and the benefits of making that connection. My Friday was pretty uneventful, working from home and generally just trying to stay sane in amongst the complete madness of what is happening here.

Saturday on the other hand, was just awesome. 

Firstly, my daughter scared the living daylights out of me at about 5am by sending a message to my Echo - "Daddy are you up?". I don't think anything has made me move as quick in years! 

In her defence, I did tell her on Friday night that she could call me 24/7 and I'd always be there. However for context, I've been away for 77 days now and I can safely say that she has called me out of choice about twice. The rest of the time I've had to employ the trick of getting Nat to make her do it! So it was nice, if unexpected.

We then spent the next 4-5 hours hanging out. She baked banana bread (didn't save me any) and then put this awesome 3D Eiffel Tower jigsaw together. I might have dozed off a couple of times (but not for long). I contributed nothing to either the baking or the jigsaw, but I loved every second of it.

The finished product

It was amazing. 

It just shows that this virus lockdown is no reason not to spend time with those you love. With a bit of willpower and a pinch of initiative there is NO excuse that I'll accept for not reaching out and making those memories. 

There is no reason not to be there, even in spirit. We are 4000 miles away and still managed to hang out - for longer than we used to do when I was home probably! 

And if that wasn't enough the afternoon was mainly taken up with a lads afternoon! A few beers and some great chat, ranging from the virus itself through craft beer, "classic era" WWF/E and Lego Batmobiles. 

For those who haven't given it a go yet, I'd thoroughly recommend the HouseParty app. Pretty much just a simple video chat app but it allowed me, Dan, Gareth and Baz to catch up from four locations pretty much seamlessly - despite a minor overheating issue with my phone and Cadman's inability to keep himself in our shots!

I hadn't realised how much I had missed that interaction. How nice it was just to drink some beers and put the world to rights. We take for granted these people in our lives and we shouldn't. 

My hope is that this virus will change the way the world thinks, for the better. 

It will remind us that everything is fleeting and you never know when it might be gone. But it will also show us that this shouldn't be seen as a bad thing, instead it should be a daily reminder to seize the day. It should be the incentive to live more in the here and now. 

We worry so much about the future, and have so little control over it. But the present, well, the present is something you can influence, something you can shape. So embrace it, mould it, shape it to your will. If you think about doing something, go do it. If you miss someone, call them. If you want to spend time with people you are isolated from, find a way. 

That's the key to all of this. Excuses are easy. Don't hide behind them. Don't use them as an "out". Take some responsibility. Own it. Grasp the nettle.

FIND. A. WAY.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 75 - Taking the good

Difficult time of year for us. It was around this time two years ago that Mum went into hospital, for what was to be the last time. Obviously at the time we still had hope, we still didn't understand the true the gravity of the situation. We feared the worst, we knew she was ill, but we hoped. But it is human nature to fear the worst so you feel you are prepared if it happens. 

You aren't. You never can be. Bad news, really bad news, the kind you dread can never be prepared for fully. 

Despite your attempts to condition yourself, your mind simply isn't wired to process news like that ahead of time. You can do a million dry-runs through your head, play out a million different scenarios - but you just cannot fully be ready for that crushing despair. 

However, for the next few weeks I intend to take the time to properly remember those last times with Mum. It seems strange to say this, but there was good to come out of those horrible weeks. 

We've always been a close family, but that time we spent together with Mum was as close as I've felt to Lil and my Dad. It was simple, nothing was important except Mum. Everything else just faded into insignificance. It was pure in a way. I remember sitting, the three of us, in a little Lebanese(?) restaurant near The Christie. It was an oasis of calm in sea of staggering turbulence. Very little was said, very little needed to be said. We knew what was coming, we knew what that meant, we knew we had each other.

I'll always remember it, and I'll always cherish that we were able to have those moments. Plus we were lucky enough (I guess you'd say) to be able to say goodbye, to be with there when she needed us most, and to be with each other when we needed it. Sometimes we just needed silence, but shared silence can be all the peace you need often.

And it wasn't just us four. The sheer number of people who came to see her, who were simply THERE for us. You don't forgot moments like that, you don't the lose bonds that are forged in those fires. Adversity can either bring out the best or the worst in people - the current virus is showing us that. But at the heart of it I truly believe that people are good, and situations like the one we went through have done nothing to convince me otherwise.

I personally can never thank Gareth and Natalie particularly for what they did for us in those times. There are many other people obviously but the hardest thing in the world is seeing people you care closely about suffering, and "having" to be the strong ones. Having people like that around allowed us to do what we needed to do as a family to prepare, and it allowed us to create memories that means that we have positives to look back on.

Life is hard, life can seem unfair. It tears you apart and often doesn't help put you back together. Love causes the greatest pain but also the greatest joy. To be able to take even a moment of joy out of those last few weeks is something I will treasure forever. 

Thank you to all those who made it possible, I am forever in your debt.

Love you Mum.
Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 74 - Losing Track

Spent the whole of today convinced it was Wednesday. Which it isn't. Therefore I also (for some reason) thought I'd done my blog for the day. So once again I am back scrabbling around for things to say. I've actually got two blogs ready to go. I think the second is more important so that's why I've chosen the order I have.

It is warm here at the moment. Today peaked at 32C - but importantly the minimum is 22C. Trying to sleep in that temperature is a pain. Yeah you can put the A/C on, but that plays havoc with my sinuses and throat. So good quality sleep is proving to be something of a lofty ambition. I'll eventually acclimatise but 30+C in March is not usual for me - and I'm dreading the 40C + 95% humidity that apparently greats summer!!

Not much going on as you'd expect. Working from home is pretty efficient so far, and I've managed to avoid being overloaded with distractions. In some respects I feel very sorry for those who are trying to work with loved ones (both human and animals) in the way. But, as I've alluded to on this blog many times, I'd give pretty much anything to be working from home an have Katie harassing me 24/7!!

Did manage to finally finish Winterfell though. Considering I am probably one of the least creative/artistic people ever (just ask Katie about our bottle rocket project) I am classing this as a major, major win. I guess it is no more than putting Ikea flat-pack together, but I'm claiming my moment in the sun.

It's bigger than it looks - honest!

Till later, Tom

Day 73 - A bit of a mish mash

Today's blog doesn't really have any theme or direction to it. I've noticed that most of my recent ones have (quite rightly) focused on the coronavirus and the almost overwhelming sense of helplessness I've been feeling this far away from home, and those I love. 

It has been so difficult, watching developments back home and not being able to do much about it. I know you can't do it all now, but there should be no reason not to spend time with those that you love, those that you care about. Friends and family. Don't neglect them, don't take them for granted, make that call. Being 4000 miles away sucks at times, don't use smaller distances as an excuse. It frustrates me when I see people not taking opportunities that not all of us have (for whatever reason).

Anyway, now that I'm locked down for the next 3 weeks (minimum) there was a real worry that I'd continue on the same vein and forget the purpose of this blog - to stay in contact with folks and give them some insight into life in the USofA. 

Once this clears I'll be back on the road again and hopefully giving you a broader sense of what it is like down here on the banks of Old Blue. But form now I hope you'll indulge me some "me me me" time as I take you through what life looks like for Doctor Tom at the moment!

I've not managed to quite keep up with my 5 things I wanted to do, primarily as two of them involved being outside. But I have still been trying new things (and trying to re-invigorate old things) as I've been pottering along.

Spanish

I've been at this for a while now and I'm getting competent enough to be able to read bits in Spanish magazines and newspapers. Which is nice. Only bits though, and my vocabulary is still woefully short of poor even! But I can pick up sentence structure and I'm beginning to get the hang of written Spanish too. The big test is obviously going to come once I get out and about and begin to meet people who speak it. That'll come after the virus clears.

Gym/Yoga

The gym is closed now. But I've readjusted and got myself a daily exercise routine - plus a couple of runs a week. The weight is coming off slower than it did at the start but I'm losing inches all round (well, not ALL around) so that's good. I've also recently taken up yoga with the brilliant Adriene. I'm doing the 30 days of Yoga one at the moment and am already noticing the difference in flexibility. Though my knees do make noises they never used to!

Take up a new hobby

I have a couple of exciting developments on the way here. 

As well as becoming a full-on 3D jigsaw addict (check out Winterfell now, the main castle is done) I'm soon to be frustrating my neighbours as I try to learn to play the piano. I've got no music talent whatsoever, but what the hell eh? Problem is that the delivery is delayed for coronavirus so it might be a few weeks before it arrives. As long as I can play something recognisable by the time I come back I'll consider it a success. Hopefully you may even get a Katie/Daddy duet when I get good enough - but not yet.

The other one is a secret. Till it arrives on Saturday. Can't give all my secrets away in one blog. But I will give you a hint. Think small. And cute. And no, it's not a pet.

Challenges
Two 10km runs done. And I'm itching for another one. But I'll have to wait until the virus looks like it is clearing up before I commit to anything serious. And the sky-dive is still on. As soon as I can confirm the date I'll be after money for Christie. So be prepared :-) I'm still hopefully I can get 6-10 in this year, but again we'll see.

Other post virus stuff
Once I'm allowed out again I've got even more irons in the fire. I've joined the Baton Rouge Sunday Social Running Club (here), just waiting to get out now. And I've got plans to join a few of the local disk golfers for a round or two. Plus when sport comes back I've got my eyes on a baseball/softball league and a bit of over-40s soccer when I finally pass the milestone.

So despite everything, life is busy. In these uncertain times it is the best way to be. It hurts to dwell on the past, so I'm trying not to. And the future has so much going for it. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Till then, Tom

Day 72 - Into the unknown

The isolation order finally came in today. We are locking down in a bid to contain the fastest growing escalation of Covid-19 in the USA, possibly the world. Louisiana is picking up cases faster than Italy did at this stage of the cycle, and it only looks like it is going to get worse. The logical thing therefore has come about, and from tomorrow working from home is the only alternative. I've got my work-from-home (WFH) station all set up, it is just a case of how it all pans out.

Now over the last few yers or so I've done a lot of remote working - whether it be with to back in the Manchester office from the USA or to site whilst being based out of an office myself. It is not new to me. Nor is it really new to anyone in my profession these days. It is a global industry, a worldwide business. But never before on this type of scale.

It is going to be fascinating to see how we cope, to see how we adapt. The likelihood is that the way we worked today may be the last day we ever truly work like that. Global collaboration, worldwide hubs and virtual offices are becoming more and more the norm.

The social interaction inherent in office based environments is being eroded away in the name of functionality and efficiency. For example, my commute is short but others will have 2 or so extra hours a day to play with now. That drives productivity and profit.

We have streamlined the activities so well and developed the technologies so thoroughly. The need for human-to-human contact is slowly being removed from the equation. 

Which makes me sad. 

I love the interaction in the office, the camaraderie. I still believe two people in a room with a common purpose and all the information in front of them can make more progress than 20 people in far flung corners of the global - fighting time zones, language barriers, lag (both net and jet), firewalls and dodgy broadband connections. 

There, to me, is still nothing like sitting in front of someone and having a conversation, reading the body language and the unspoken elements. I understand the modern world (and also appreciate that this virus is not par-for-the-course) but I sometimes feel that we need those interactive elements to do our jobs properly. We can't just sit isolated in our towers and retain that level of interaction and collaboration that is so critical to so much of life on this planet. 

Human beings are always better working together, towards a common goal. Now I'm not saying that there isn't a place for remote working in the future (once this is all over) but let's not be too hasty to all retreat to our bunkers and work from there. We are social creatures, in work as well as play.

So tomorrow is the big step for us all. As I said, I've done this remote working before - but both the scale of it, and the reasons for it, fill me with some trepidation for what is to come. However, as I've tried to put across on this blog, the future is something that is going to get here soon enough - you might as well embrace it while you can, however odd it looks.

Till tomorrow, Tom 

Days 70&71 - Scary times

Day 70. 10 weeks into my US Adventure. Did anyone see it going like this? Anyone at all? Didn't think so. 

These are troubling times. Louisiana has used a statewide SIP (Shelter in Place) from 5pm tomorrow amidst fears that the escalation rate is higher here than anywhere in the world. 800+ cases from only 3,500 tests are worrying numbers. Thankfully the mortality rate is low (only 20 deaths at last count) but the trends are not good (here).

There is mounting worry here, you can feel it on the local news channels and around the place. People are readying themselves, people are getting preparing for the worst. And this is state that has been devastated more than once in the last 15-20 years by natural disasters. When the Louisianians begin to worry, it's hard not to join in. This is a state with below average health care and below average access to what is needed to fight an epidemic. There are a lot of nursing homes, elder residents and vulnerable. This is getting a lot worse before it gets better.

There is nothing that can be done other than follow the instructions, look out for each other and just wait this thing out. It is a helpless feeling - and that is for someone who is at significantly lower risk than others out there. A stiff British upper lip helps here, as does the fact that I am comfortable in my own company for long periods of time. Which is a good thing as I'm going to need to be.

However, that said, life goes on. You just get on with it, que sera sera, and do what you can. I managed to have pretty good weekend despite all the unease (you'll notice I'm doing one blog per weekend until I can get out more). I managed to speak to Katie for a long while on Saturday and she finally got her first US care package :-) Looks like she enjoyed it.

Other thing I've been making good progress on is my 3D jigsaw of Winterfell. It's a lot more complicated than I first thought but it is taking shape at least. Long way to go but it is keeping the grey matter ticking over and that's about all I can ask for at the moment. 

Stay safe everyone, look after each other.

Till tomorrow, Tom 

Day 69 - Incoming

Judging from the latest information coming out of the Governor's office it seems like a Louisiana Lockdown is inevitable. maybe as soon as tomorrow. His recent statement that if we don't do anything we face the worst-case scenario is alarming in itself. Even more alarming is watching the local news and realising that people still aren't taking this seriously.

"I'm not at risk so why should my life be inconvenienced" appears to be the most common response. Dangerous thinking guys. The needs of the many and all that? 

As things stand it is business as usual at work, but we'll keep an eye on that daily. 

Followed this guy to work today, I think he has the right handle on this whole virus thing (zoom in)!

Anyway, as I'm nothing if not proactive (maybe) I had stocked up on things to keep me busy when I'm stuck within these (roughly) four walls. I've already started yoga and a 30 day abs challenge, but keeping the mental side of things ticking over is just as important. 

A quick trip to the local Barnes and Noble, complete with the requisite social distancing, yielded the following haul + Winterfell (see the video). This should keep the grey matter stimulated for a few weeks at least. Especially those 3D ones, wow they look pretty complicated. 

This whole lot still cost less than a Lego Millenium Falcon. No wonder lego was revenue somewhere in the $4-5bn per year range at those prices!

So we'll see how this all shakes itself out. Not much else we can do in these interesting times. Hope you all stay safe, look after each other and use this as an opportunity to re-evaluate how you want to live your life and what is important to you. I know I will be.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 66,67,68 - Survive the isolation

My whole plan to do a blog every day has kind gone out now the window recently. However this is my attempt to get myself back on track. I'm covering three in one and then I'll be back to doing this daily. Obviously my plan to show you around the delights of Texas and Louisiana is a bit scuppered by the latest developments - and no-one should be surprised that I'm maybe the only person who can come for a year to the USA and spend possibly 6 months of it quarantined or unable to go out properly. I don't want pity, but a quick look at the last couple of years doesn't show me to be the kind of person you'd bet on to get lucky on the toss of a coin.

This virus is taking its toll on the world already. I've no doubt we'll come out of it but the world may be changed beyond recognition. There will be some many businesses that go, so many habits that change and so many things we take for granted that might need re-assessing for the long term. I'm not going to lie, it is scary. And very lonely being so far away from those that I love. Watching from a distance is always the hardest thing, and not being able to be there for Katie when she needs me.

But you must try to look for slivers of light in any shadow, because they are always there. Perhaps this enforced change of pace might allow us to take more time for ourselves, more time to spend on less hectic and intense pursuits. There is also the possibility that it drives people farther into social isolation and more frequently (if possible) onto their devices. However I choose to believe that this will encourage people to find more ways of staying engaged with each other - for the sake of companionship rather than ease or laziness. And there are individual activities that we can do as well to keep ourselves entertained during this difficult time, some internal but also some external. 

I've not included obvious stuff like Netflix binge or PS4 nights as I'm trying to expand my horizons, but I have put together Tom's 10 Point Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide of Coolish Things to Do. Or, to give it a better acronym, TTPZASGOCTTD:

1) Learn a language. I've been full steam ahead learning Spanish on Duolingo and it is a great way to pass the time and pick up a new skill. I'd recommend getting a verb book as well (I picked up this one from Amazon) because Duolingo isn't quite as structured as it could be. But I've picked up loads in the last few months and it has been relatively easy to do so with just 10-15 minutes each night.

2) Listen to a book. Those who know me know I'm a pretty avid reader. But now might be the time to jump on Audible and grab something different to keep you entertained. I listen to Audible at work, in the car, in then gym, whilst doing chores and it makes the time pass very nicely.

3) Yoga. I've just signed up for this (Day 1 is tomorrow) so I'll let you know how it goes. A good way to start the day if the gym is no longer an option. Plus if you twin it with a little work-out blast in the evening (see below) you'll be invigorating body morning and night.

4) Jigsaws/Puzzles. Another way to keep the mind active is jigsaws and puzzles. Everyone has one lying around the house somewhere, or if not you can get one delivered in by Amazon (amongst others) if you need to keep your social distance. I've been hammering through Nonograms most nights and they help to both keep the mind busy and also defrag from the busy work days.

5) Movie night. There are a whole host of movie projectors going on places like Amazon for less than $100. Grab one, WhatsApp Video (or FaceTime) your mates and you can recreate those cinema trips despite the current social isolation. And no-one is going to steal your popcorn either!

6) Correspondence Games. Not everyone's cup of tea but there are loads of websites where you can go find yourself a partner for a spot of chess (amongst other games). What used to be done by letter over a period of months can now be played almost instantly through the magic of the Internet. But try and find one with humans on the other end so you can keep the grey matter intact and interact at the same time.

7) Set yourself a physical challenge. There are millions out there. Literally. Go find one and use the time at home to work through it. I've got this one on the go at the moment. It's helping with my back pain and also trying to get my abs back to pre-2000 levels. Not eating out and having a beer in the bar at night also helps!

8) Bonsai! That's right. The Japanese art of cultivating mini-trees is perfect for those days and nights in. Mine is on the way. I'll keep you posted with how I get on but don't hold your breathe - I've never been particularly green fingered.

9) Plan a trip. It won't be like this forever. Plan a trip. Plan two trips. But be adventurous. Don't just pick a simple 2 weeks all-inclusive in Mexico. Go big. Travel Coast-to-Coast. Walk the Great Wall. Hike the Andes. Throw all your imagination into the biggest adventure you can think of. You might even get to do it if you save all your pennies.

10) Do something spontaneous. Go find your own and let me know in the comments.

Safe safe, love each other and remember what is important.
Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 65 - St. Patrick's Day

So today is St. Patrick's Day. Traditionally a celebration of all things Irish which predominantly (from my experiences) involves drinking a lot of alcohol and generally watching a ridiculous amount of sporting events - some professional, others less so shall we say.

According to the web, somewhere around $5bn is spent on St. Patrick's Day in the US alone. That's a staggering amount of money to be spent on a day which is only officially a holiday in one county (Suffolk County, Massachusetts - long story, google can explain). Except this year obviously. 

But instead of dwelling on the virus and it's worldwide implications I thought I'd take a more light hearted look at things and share some of my research into Patron Saints (with St. Patrick of course being the Patron Saint of Ireland). Turns out there is almost a Patron Saint for everything you can imagine. I wonder though, whether some of these are really prime jobs or not. 

St. Drogo for example got the job of Patronising (right word, wrong context?) unattractive people! Definitely not one of the jobs that everyone was interviewing for. Clotilde got "disappointing children" and Vitus picked up "oversleeping". I wonder who selects these. I mean I know the church typically does but is there a committee that sits round every month or so, pulls out a list of things and just starts assigning.

"OK folks, on today's list we have Bats (the flying type), Asparagus, Flatulence and Mime Artists. Do we have any nominees or shall we just dive right into the hat and pick out names at random?"

And I love the groupings that some Saints ended up with. St. Arnold just got "beer", clearly a very important thing that required his full concentration, whereas St. Genesius picked up "Clowns, Movies, Actors, Plumbers and Torture Victims". I can see the similarity and reasoning behind the first three or so but we really go off piste for the last couple! And sometimes pure laziness kicked in (or maybe it was knocking off time on Friday) and they just thought, "sod it Catherine of Alexandria can add it to her list". From the page I got all this information off (the very excellent one here) her list stands at:

"Unmarried girls, apologists, potters, spinners, archivists, dying people, educators, girls, jurists, knife sharpeners, lawyers, librarians, libraries, maidens, mechanics, millers, hat-makers, nurses, philosophers, preachers, scholars, schoolchildren, scribes, secretaries, spinsters, stenographers, students, tanners, theologians, University of Paris, haberdashers, wheelwrights, Philippines and Greece".

Did we miss anyone at the back?! That is some list!

What this does show is that somebody, somewhere cares about pretty much anything you can imagine. And somebody else somewhere, is championing those causes with as much gusto as they can. I'm not sure they are all fully up to speed with everything they are responsible for though. St. Isidore for example has the internet, despite him dying in 636AD. Imagine him trying to make that powerpoint presentation at then monthly Patron Saint lunch and learn!!

On that note (the mention of food) I'm out of here.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Ps - Still a day behind. More for my benefit than yours!

Day 64 - The answer is.....

......42. Well, according to Douglas Adams's seminal work The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy it is. The problem then switches to one of finding the question that fits this answer! Another of Adams's quotes from the same work goes further and implies that humans are, in fact, missing the point of life somewhat:

"On the planet Earth, man had always assumed he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed they were more intelligent then man - for precisely the same reasons."

Does Adams have a point here? Have the dolphins, in fact, got this whole existence thing spot on? Life is so staggeringly complex, impossible to work out and completely beyond normal levels of comprehension that it might simply be a better approach to not get too caught up with the why's and wherefores and simply make sure we live our lives to the fullest with the cards we are dealt.

Life has been around way before any of us, and will be around long afterwards too. It doesn't really care whether we understand it and frankly we would probably only find an answer devoid of context anyway. Every time I get close to understanding my life something comes by and blindsides me so applying that to the whole of existence seems and coming out on top seems unlikely.

I do feel that sometimes we worry too much and can tie ourselves in knots trying to understand why things happen the way they do. In fact I have it on good authority that this is one of my abundant character flaws! It can be difficult for sure, but is the best approach actually too just accept the fact that the answer IS 42, the question is unknown and you might as well enjoy the ride?

It is often said that the journey is more important than the destination, and nowhere is this truer than life itself. I know it is our human nature which pushes us to question, explore and understand - and striving for knowledge in itself is no bad thing (something I always encourage Katie to try and do). But maybe there is a line to be drawn, a point beyond which it is not worth pushing for fear of growing insanity taking over.

We often spend so long looking for answers that we often either forget the question we asked or, more likely, would have no idea what to do with the answer if we found it, In that respect, may mucking around in the water having a good time is precisely what we should be doing. Well played dolphins, well played indeed.

Till later, Tom

ps- I know I'm back behind again. I'm getting there!

Days 62 & 63

I promised myself I wouldn't do this - but the combination of things that have happened over the end of this week and the start of the weekend means I'm going to do a single blog to cover two days. So please forgive me.

I also promised myself that I would keep this blog positive and upbeat. Not necessarily that I would not talk about negative or difficult things, but that I'd try to put a positive spin on those things.

Fuck that.

I'm sorry, but today's blog is a full on rant, a top of the range "woe is me" shit storm that is sometimes necessary. A cry of anguish and primal rage directed simply at the world in general and no-one in particular. I just need to empty my brain of all these thoughts before they can even begin to fester and consume me. Everyone needs to do it. 

I thought about doing it privately, in fact I wrote this blog fully three hours before I ended up posting it. But in the end I wanted to get this out there. I wanted to not just write this stuff down but to let it live for all eternity - at least until someone shuts the internet down.

It is raw, it is anguished, it is from the heart and it is laid bare for all to see. But I hope it is understood for what it is meant to be.

This is not a cry for help. The help I need has already been provided by me simply writing this. And I don't consider myself in anyway a martyr or someone worthy of more pity or love than anyone else. In the grand scheme of things I know I am lucky. However I also feel like everyone has the right every now and then to wallow a bit in self pity and indulge in screaming the house down about the injustice of it all. 

I have worked so hard since I came back over here to look to the future, to find the good in the situation I am in and to not show resentment for the things I've lost. But that doesn't mean they don't hurt every single day. That doesn't mean I don't resent hugely that the life I had in front of me - the one I planned for with my entire heart and soul - was ripped away unceremoniously. 

I do want to make it clear that I harbour no ill will towards Natalie at all. I know the  soul-searching she went through and the bravery it took to make what she eventually decided was the right decision. We've moved on as friends and parents and I hope and think that we are in a place now where we can both be positive influences on Katie's (and to some extent each other's) lives.

However I also want to make it clear that I resent the unfairness of it all. I hate that all this planning, all the time and effort (and no shortage of money) has come to nothing. I hate that at the end of this journey, including the hardships and difficult times we went through together, I don't have the future we mapped out to show for it. I hate that I was so helpless, so impotent, so weak. I hate that when I did fight it was too late, and when I should have fought I couldn't. 

It might be selfish but it hurts on almost every level not to be the one who gets to reap the rewards that the struggle sowed. Where is the justice? Where is the acknowledgement from fate that one good turn deserves another? Why does it seem like every time I tried to do the right thing and be a nice guy, my fate was to not be what was wanted or needed?

It is soul destroying to continually have to pick myself back up from these situations and continue on as normal - whilst all the time my insides and mind are howling in pain and torment. Everyday there is a moment (some fleeting, some more persistent) where I just wish this was all a bad dream. It lingers, under the surface, but I work so so hard every day to hold it there; and only let it bubble up when I know I can control it, tame it and return it to the depths. This blog is one of those.

My personal situation wasn't the trigger today though. The trigger was two-fold, both intrinsically linked to the ongoing Coronavirus - and I'll admit both pale into insignificance when considered against the unending pain that others are going through. But it is my pain, and just because it isn't as bad as other pain doesn't mean it isn't real to me. 

My dad has been looking forward to visiting for months. He's literally been counting down the days. And instead he had to go home a week early because of the virus. The trip we've been talking about since he got back from his last one consisted of a fun weekend in New Orleans followed by 3-4 days of watching the world fall to pieces and a scrambled trip back to Houston today to get him home to relative safety (and peace-of-mind) before he was trapped here. 

Fuck off world. How dare you! My dad has overcome things I can barely begin to imagine over the last few years and you do this to him? At this time of year? What possible karmic justification exists for this kind of treatment, this blatant slap in the face - frustratingly from a foe with no face. 

I know there is no actual reason for this, there is no cosmic force at play here. This is just bad luck, bad timing. He will come back in October and have an amazing trip, no harm done. But right now, today, it is hard to describe just how big this ball of rage is. He doesn't deserve this.

And the final piece in the "fuck-you-world puzzle" arrived as I was waiting for him to check in at the airport. The border will be shut from the UK to the US. Katie won't be able to come in a few weeks. 

This may seem like nothing to some of you. 

But it has been nine weeks since I heard her laugh in real life, since I watched her roll here eyes at a dad joke without a screen in between us. Nine weeks since we watched a movie with her head in my lap. It is the longest I've been away since I met her. And the prospect of it only being three more weeks till she was here was driving me onward, fuelling my positivity and keeping me focused on my targets.

Now it is June before I see her again. Twelve weeks will become six months. I'll have missed a whole half of a year. Having missed three months of last year too. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Part of the deal I made with the universe was, "OK, so I've lost Natalie - but as long as I can keep Katie then I can make this US adventure work". 

We are nine weeks in and the world has reneged on its promises. My sister will understand this particularly poignantly as she made a similar deal about my mum and her cancer and that too was gone back on. 

I understand fully that this isn't how the world works. There is no "them" to bargain with, no deals to be struck. The world turns as it turns and our existence is not shaped by our words, but our actions. I have no right to be angry, I can be upset - yes - but angry? At whom? No-one has done anything. No-one has gone back on anything. Maybe I should be angry at myself. Maybe I should be asking why I put myself in this position. The only reason I am away from Katie for this long is because I chose to be. Shouldn't my anger be directed internally? And so it is. I begin to question everything. All my decisions. All my thoughts. All my actions. Was I selfish for coming away? What right do I have to complain about an extra few weeks when some people will lose loved ones forever? Am I really innocent in this, or have I made my own demons?

It is a dangerous spiral, a black hole from which there can be little hope of escape without light to guide you back. 

Reading the above, I hope you are worried. I hope you see things that make you sit up and take notice. But I also hope you noticed the bit I mentioned about this not being a cry for help. Writing the above has been painful, raw and ugly. But it has also been cathartic. It has been a source of great pain, but also the release of a safety valve we all need to lift every now and then.

Because despite all of this, I do have my lights to guide me back. My family. My friends. And in the centre of it all, my beacon. Katie. 

I spoke to her before to tell her the bad news that she couldn't come just yet. I didn't realise at the time but she broke down and cried on her mum afterwards. She didn't say anything to me. She was trying to protect me. An 11 year old child once again protecting the adults because we need protecting from ourselves. It was so humbling, and mortifying to realise my selfishness and cowardice. 

But it also filled me with strength, with positivity and with love. All the above is just noise. It can feel like important noise - and if you don't make it regularly then it can become dangerous noise. But it is just noise. It doesn't matter, provided you don't let it. Provided you can find your beacon, your centre, your focus. 

Learn to accept the bad (it doesn't always have to be with good grace) but make it's impact on you fleeting. Make sure when you deal with it, you deal with it properly and quickly. Don't linger, don't dwell and don't withhold. Communication and honesty are the keys to this. Say what needs to be said, scream at the injustice of it all, rage against the insanity of life. 

But learn to forgive the world, because at the end of the day the world is simply there, moulded and shaped by our actions, our words and our thoughts. Forgive yourself, learn to control your demons, let them out when it is safe to do so, and return them when you are done. 

Then focus on what matters. Find and cherish the good in the world. Embrace and love that which brings you joy and happiness. 

Thank you for your time, your love and your understanding.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 61 - For the Greater Good

Phew. I think I've finally caught up with blog posts. It has taken a huge amount of copying old ones and late night finishes but I'm there. One thing I've been trying to avoid with this blog is making it a chore to write (and read) so I'm quite proud of the fact that I'm nearly 9 weeks into my trip and (a) people are still reading it and (b) I'm still finding things to stay and do.

Unfortunately this coronavirus is putting a huge damper on my ability to show you the delights of Baton Rouge, Houston and beyond. And it is also rendering my dad's ongoing trip as nothing more than a glorified hotel stay without the swimming pool and the complimentary bar. He's even having to cook for himself (though voluntarily) most nights!

I'm never seen such a panic in the world in my life time. Added to the Doomsday Clock being at 100s to midnight (it has never been closer) and you'd be forgiven for thinking the world is a pretty shitty place to live in right now. That opinion isn't greatly contradicted by the constant stream of sensationalist drivel that the 24 hour news stations seem to be peddling in the ongoing war for ratings. 

You could also argue that it is typical of the current state of things that a global pandemic is being seen as a chance to make compelling TV and politically score points rather than as a worldwide crisis that needs to be solved together. 

And you'd have a point.

It seems to be a real problem with the (Western particularly) world that personal agendas and selfishness affect the way we try to deal with things. "For the greater good" is the Utilitarian doctrine that pushes the theory (very simplistically) that the correct course of action is the one that benefits the most people. For the record, it is also the words Grindelwald had engraved on the entrance to Nurmungard in the Harry Potter series - but I'm conveniently choosing to ignore that for now.

There is obviously plenty wrong with Utilitarianism, principally the logical "endgame" of the philosophy which will happily make a smaller number of people miserable if it benefits the whole. But the general theory behind it has some merit. It tries to encourage people to act in a way that removes selfish agendas and tries to benefit the greater population. You feel like, in these times, that the world could do with more of that.

Hopefully we'll see the needs of the many start to outweigh the desires of the few. As I've said before, I believe humanity has that capability. Is this the crisis that drives us to act?

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 60 - Where is the line?

Trump closed the route from Europe to the US today - but not from there UK. Why? There are a comparable number of cases in many European countries as there are in the UK. But because we are an island it seems that there is more confidence that we can resist the spread. I'm not sure I buy that but for some reason this got me thinking about boundaries and territory and how they are perceived by us humans.

We have a very nice obsession (which I have touched on before) of quite rigidly labelling and defining things, "that is mine", "this bit of land here is called Denmark" etc.But when it comes to boundaries it is actually very hard to define these unambiguously and with unilateral agreement. In fact I'd wager a large majority of the conflicts in history can be put down to the simple truth that two sets of people disagree about where they think the boundary is!

The map of the world as we know it is constantly changing, and it has been for centuries. There is always one area of the world looking for independence from another and there are always people coveting something that they may perceive as "rightfully" theirs.I think part of it comes down to the fact that it is very difficult to draw artificial barriers easily. Although the land is constant (within reason) it is the movement and relocation of people throughout history that has a significant effect.

This constant moving around means that it is very rare to find an entire area which is easy to "fence off", both in terms of the people who inhabit in and from a geographical standpoint. Take Great Britain for example, which is geographically very easy to define. Within this relatively small piece of land we have had more changes in definition than seems logical. Throughout history we have seen the Angles, Saxons, Vikings, Romans, Celts, Pics, Normans....well you get the point.

After the great Colonial period there seems to be a drive (certainly amongst the people) to move towards smaller territories, or at least territories where they are living with people they class as "their own kind". A large driver often appears to be that the majority of people consider themselves more like one set of people than another. The Partition of India drew lines based on religious majorities, and ended up displacing somewhere in the region of 10-12 million people who considered themselves to be on the "wrong" side.

Modern society is said to be multi-cultural and integrated but if you look in more detail then I think the opposite is happening. People are looking more to live within communities with a smaller diversity, one where they have a heritage in common and where they feel more connected.

I wonder whether this is a cyclical thing following a period of great expansion and domination from a small number of powers or whether there is something else at play here? Either way it is difficult to get away from the fact that, wherever the boundary is drawn, there is always likely to be someone who has a different idea of where it "should" be.

Till later, Tom