Days 135 to 176 (I think) - Letting things out

I wrote the entire post below before in one go, then went away for an hour to do some chores. I came back and re-read it, and some of it seems a bit petty. But I am going to leave it here. I think it is cathartic and I think it is important to note that getting these things out helps. Plus a lot my frustrations don't become less valid on a re-read.

I don't expect sympathy, I don't expect empathy, I don't expect anything. It is what it is. Life is tough right now, but there are ways to make it easier. Ups and downs go together, are flatlines are generally a bad thing.

Till next time (hopefully soon),

Tom

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So much for daily, or even semi-regularly posts. 

The truth is my voice has been lost. 

I was hoping to show you the delights of the South, whilst giving myself an outlet for any creativity that might arrive. I also hoped to be travelling the country, as well as entertaining whichever visitors felt like stopping by. And I had so many plans for daddy-daughter time.

Even though we've been let out a bit more here in Baton Rouge, its still nothing like it was before. Most things of interest are closed and there is only so many food posts, drum posts and posts from inside breweries I can do. Plus, with the spiking cases I expect a regression in the next few weeks.

And my desire to write about other things is at rock bottom. 

I feel like I've said all I dare to say most of the time. This trip was started amongst the wreckage of my life and I have tried so so hard to remain positive, despite everything. There are good days, and there are excruciating days, when even getting out of bed feels like a loaded decision. It's harder and harder to write blogs without the negativity creeping in. But the safety valve needs to go off, I feel like it is a daily battle to keep under control. I want Katie to have a positive role model, but I also want her to understand that life isn't always easy - and it is frequently unfair. You need that balance.

A big problem is that it all seems so petty compared to what other people are going through in the world. And I'm aware that my demographic (white, male, straight) has comfortably the least to be complaining about. But that doesn't stop it being real, it doesn't stop my problems being valid. I know they are small when held against the framework of the world - but they still fucking exist. They still drive me slowly towards complete insanity, so they still need to be voiced.

So this post is the result. 

Missing Katie is a huge part of it, watching as her life changes almost daily and being so far away. Parenting from a distance is the hardest thing ever, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be essentially redundant far earlier than I expected to be! I'm missing everything, and it hurts. 

It hurts more seeing other people who don't have to function like this - but don't realise how lucky they are to have the people they love so close. It feels like a slap in the face. I try so hard not to get angry, to try to empathise with what other people are going through. But it is hard. Those who don't want to make sacrifices shouldn't reap the benefits. 

The one thing about this trip that was always in the back of my mind, even before it became obvious I was coming over here single, was that at least home was close. Worst case, I could always be where I needed to be. Plus I'd have plenty here to keep me entertained on those days when the difficulties came to the boil. 

But it is systematically being taken, piece-by-piece, day-by-day.

My dad had to go home early, I've not hugged Katie for over 6 months, I've done zero travelling (and barely seen BR itself). 

I was so looking forward to Katie's birthday, I even dragged myself up at 2am to see her open her presents. But in amongst a zoo of other people I didn't manage to snatch more than maybe 10-15 minutes with her. Maybe 2 of which were at full concentration. I suspect it would be little different at home now that she's 12, but at least we'd be in the same room.

Father's Day was similar, something else I was planning to be around for taken away. For someone in my situation Father's Day means a lot to me. At the end of the day, I've already missed 6 years of Katie's life, and it won't be long before she doesn't need me anymore. So I treasure every single one. And I wasn't there. 

Even non-personal things like St. Patrick's Day, 4th July etc. have been ruined. Opportunities to get out, experience this country, meet people and begin to rebuild this phase of my life are just not available. Slowly, methodically, every reason why being here would be tolerable is being stripped away.

My birthday is in 10 days and I think a part of this melancholic introspection is coming from that. I turn 40 and (though age is just a number) humans are unavoidably drawn towards milestones (even those derived purely arbitrarily by ourselves). You don't see many "Happy 39th" cards around. When we as a society make a big deal of it, it becomes a big deal.

And you can't help but take stock and look back - especially when you have so much time to yourself. What did I imagine my life to be like at 40, and it is close? I had no life plan really, so it is hard to say it hasn't gone to plan! Bits are great, bits are awful. 

But you really do to start to second-guess yourself. 

Obviously I'm doing something wrong when it comes to certain things, otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I am in - trying to put the pieces back together again without any real idea of what the jigsaw looks like. What did I do so wrong that left things the way they sit today? What about me is it that I'm sat here on my own questioning where I slipped up? 

I try every day to be a good person (and I know I haven't always managed this) but sometimes I wonder why I bother. Sometimes this world seems to reward those who just take what they want, those who just pretend to care about others. I appreciate people's priorities don't line up with mine all the time, but basic human decency should be on everyone's list. I look around at where I am and sometimes wonder if I'd be better off with that attitude. 

But that is not the right attitude. The world is close to anarchy, close to the edge. And that kind of selfish thinking has gotten us here, and won't get us out of this mess. 

So we go on. We grind against the unfairness of life, the karmic imbalance that seems to reward the wrong behaviour. And we look for the positives, the rays of sunlight, the moments to cherish. They are there, they just need some finding sometimes.

Days 108,109,110,111,112 - Enough already

I'll be honest, this week has been bad. 

It is the first real week of the lockdown where I've felt helpless and lonely. As we drift into May it is becoming more and more apparent that this crisis still has a long way to go - and I have no idea when I'll see the people who are important again.

Possibly related to the above, I've had a mental block the entire time, running out of things to say without repeating myself. There are some things that in an ideal world I'd like to say, but sometimes the right thing to say is nothing - the good of the many more important than the good of one after all. Take a deep breath and control only those variables you have influence over.

Today marks two years since we said goodbye, physically, to mum. We'll never say a complete goodbye, those whom we love never truly leave. But it still hurts like hell. The voice of reason and calm has been missed more than I can ever say these last few years. With everything that has gone on, and with what may still be to come, you can't help think it may have been different had she been around.

It is draining, mentally and physically. My body isn't reacting well to the semi-enforced confinement (I managed 1km yesterday before my knee swelled to the size of a grapefruit - it's still not looking great) and no matter how many hobbies and distractions you give yourself there are still a lot of hours in the day for introspection. It is getting harder not to see Katie, and harder to watch people beginning to think about things moving towards normality back home when I am so far away and much a long way from normal. 

I'll also be honest in that I still harbour a resentment about this whole thing. I'm not arrogant enough to believe the universe has it in for me, I'm an invisible dot on an invisible dot after all, but sometimes I do look around last things and think "enough already". 

After every that happened last year, all the devastation and soul-gutting torment, this year was supposed to offer some relief. A chance to start afresh (not completely but at least partially) and take some time to discover me and make some positive changes to my life. And I am giving it my all to do that. As painful as it is to leave some things in the past I really felt like I was making great strides. 

Then this. I know I'm crying over nothing, I know in the grand scheme of things my suffering is pitiful compared to others. But dammit it feels like every time I make positive progress something jumps out to stall it. It sucks, it is debilitating and it makes me want to scream in frustration and anger.

I saw an article today which said it could be 2021 before Trump considers relaxing international travel to the point where I can have visitors or get home. Don't be fooled by his "open the country" rhetoric. It's all internal, the international community will have to wait. So that means I may not even be halfway through this. 

Its been 112 days since I gave Katie a hug, 112 days since I set off on this big adventure. I'd just like the world to uphold its end of the bargain and let me do what I set out to do. I'm not asking for the impossible, I'm not asking for anything beyond the norm. I'm just asking for a fair run at this. Enough already.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 98,99 - Inspiration

This virus and the related lockdowns are throwing the human condition into sharp relief. 

Humans are the most unbelievably complex and varied species on the planet, if not in existence. We are present in almost every form you can imagine. Some are inspirational, others insipid. Some will move heaven and earth for others, others not so much. Some give uncontrollably, others are parasitic. Some have nothing but selfish desires, others are empathic to the point of giving their own happiness for another. Some care nothing for the future, others strive to make it better. 

The biggest frustration is that we should all be capable of the greatest of things. Every single one of us theoretically has the potential to be the inspiration, the spark, the catalyst. Yet some choose the easy path, or choose to hide behind others, or twist circumstances and people to suit their own ends. 

I did use to believe that this potential to be an inspiration was within everyone, given the right prompts. Now I am not so sure. Just watching how the biggest health scare in our generation has quickly turned into yet another bout of political point scoring and "me first" mentalities sickens me.

This was the chance to be our generation's "moment", that one thing that brings the world together to fight for each other. The first time that a common enemy could be identified and we could work as a whole for the benefit of all mankind. Our "alien invasion scenario" if you were.

Instead within a few weeks we had people buying more supplies they could ever need, not thinking for one second about others. We have politicians manoeuvring for position, the rich looking for excuses not to share. We have people who's first instinct should be "what can I do to help" instead hiding away and saying "oh that's too much trouble for me". We have people who can't put aside prejudice and hate to come together for a common cause.

It abhors me, and it should you too. The aliens wouldn't even have to try, we destroy ourselves.

But it doesn't have to be that way. The world will continue to turn, but differently from before. We should try to be a part of the the solution, instead of just living in our own bubble and not giving a shit about who is suffering from our actions (or inactions). I'm just as guilty, don't think this isn't directed at me as well. I know I haven't done enough, though I am trying.

So this is my plea to myself, and to others who are inclined to care.
(For the rest, I have little more to say).

Be bold, be courageous, be an inspiration. If you have the will, it gets you a long way there. And sometimes we don't realise what can be achieved until we see other people achieve it. 

Accept the inspiration and try to pass that on. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, or anything big or expensive. It can be the simplest of things, but try to do something. You only have to keep the bucket moving, not carry the load yourself. We are capable of so much when we work together, when we put our petty desires aside and simply strive to be better. 

It is not always easy, or even obvious a lot of the time, but these moments cross our paths more frequently than realise. Take one, and run with it. 

Till tomorrow,

DT

Days 62 & 63

I promised myself I wouldn't do this - but the combination of things that have happened over the end of this week and the start of the weekend means I'm going to do a single blog to cover two days. So please forgive me.

I also promised myself that I would keep this blog positive and upbeat. Not necessarily that I would not talk about negative or difficult things, but that I'd try to put a positive spin on those things.

Fuck that.

I'm sorry, but today's blog is a full on rant, a top of the range "woe is me" shit storm that is sometimes necessary. A cry of anguish and primal rage directed simply at the world in general and no-one in particular. I just need to empty my brain of all these thoughts before they can even begin to fester and consume me. Everyone needs to do it. 

I thought about doing it privately, in fact I wrote this blog fully three hours before I ended up posting it. But in the end I wanted to get this out there. I wanted to not just write this stuff down but to let it live for all eternity - at least until someone shuts the internet down.

It is raw, it is anguished, it is from the heart and it is laid bare for all to see. But I hope it is understood for what it is meant to be.

This is not a cry for help. The help I need has already been provided by me simply writing this. And I don't consider myself in anyway a martyr or someone worthy of more pity or love than anyone else. In the grand scheme of things I know I am lucky. However I also feel like everyone has the right every now and then to wallow a bit in self pity and indulge in screaming the house down about the injustice of it all. 

I have worked so hard since I came back over here to look to the future, to find the good in the situation I am in and to not show resentment for the things I've lost. But that doesn't mean they don't hurt every single day. That doesn't mean I don't resent hugely that the life I had in front of me - the one I planned for with my entire heart and soul - was ripped away unceremoniously. 

I do want to make it clear that I harbour no ill will towards Natalie at all. I know the  soul-searching she went through and the bravery it took to make what she eventually decided was the right decision. We've moved on as friends and parents and I hope and think that we are in a place now where we can both be positive influences on Katie's (and to some extent each other's) lives.

However I also want to make it clear that I resent the unfairness of it all. I hate that all this planning, all the time and effort (and no shortage of money) has come to nothing. I hate that at the end of this journey, including the hardships and difficult times we went through together, I don't have the future we mapped out to show for it. I hate that I was so helpless, so impotent, so weak. I hate that when I did fight it was too late, and when I should have fought I couldn't. 

It might be selfish but it hurts on almost every level not to be the one who gets to reap the rewards that the struggle sowed. Where is the justice? Where is the acknowledgement from fate that one good turn deserves another? Why does it seem like every time I tried to do the right thing and be a nice guy, my fate was to not be what was wanted or needed?

It is soul destroying to continually have to pick myself back up from these situations and continue on as normal - whilst all the time my insides and mind are howling in pain and torment. Everyday there is a moment (some fleeting, some more persistent) where I just wish this was all a bad dream. It lingers, under the surface, but I work so so hard every day to hold it there; and only let it bubble up when I know I can control it, tame it and return it to the depths. This blog is one of those.

My personal situation wasn't the trigger today though. The trigger was two-fold, both intrinsically linked to the ongoing Coronavirus - and I'll admit both pale into insignificance when considered against the unending pain that others are going through. But it is my pain, and just because it isn't as bad as other pain doesn't mean it isn't real to me. 

My dad has been looking forward to visiting for months. He's literally been counting down the days. And instead he had to go home a week early because of the virus. The trip we've been talking about since he got back from his last one consisted of a fun weekend in New Orleans followed by 3-4 days of watching the world fall to pieces and a scrambled trip back to Houston today to get him home to relative safety (and peace-of-mind) before he was trapped here. 

Fuck off world. How dare you! My dad has overcome things I can barely begin to imagine over the last few years and you do this to him? At this time of year? What possible karmic justification exists for this kind of treatment, this blatant slap in the face - frustratingly from a foe with no face. 

I know there is no actual reason for this, there is no cosmic force at play here. This is just bad luck, bad timing. He will come back in October and have an amazing trip, no harm done. But right now, today, it is hard to describe just how big this ball of rage is. He doesn't deserve this.

And the final piece in the "fuck-you-world puzzle" arrived as I was waiting for him to check in at the airport. The border will be shut from the UK to the US. Katie won't be able to come in a few weeks. 

This may seem like nothing to some of you. 

But it has been nine weeks since I heard her laugh in real life, since I watched her roll here eyes at a dad joke without a screen in between us. Nine weeks since we watched a movie with her head in my lap. It is the longest I've been away since I met her. And the prospect of it only being three more weeks till she was here was driving me onward, fuelling my positivity and keeping me focused on my targets.

Now it is June before I see her again. Twelve weeks will become six months. I'll have missed a whole half of a year. Having missed three months of last year too. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Part of the deal I made with the universe was, "OK, so I've lost Natalie - but as long as I can keep Katie then I can make this US adventure work". 

We are nine weeks in and the world has reneged on its promises. My sister will understand this particularly poignantly as she made a similar deal about my mum and her cancer and that too was gone back on. 

I understand fully that this isn't how the world works. There is no "them" to bargain with, no deals to be struck. The world turns as it turns and our existence is not shaped by our words, but our actions. I have no right to be angry, I can be upset - yes - but angry? At whom? No-one has done anything. No-one has gone back on anything. Maybe I should be angry at myself. Maybe I should be asking why I put myself in this position. The only reason I am away from Katie for this long is because I chose to be. Shouldn't my anger be directed internally? And so it is. I begin to question everything. All my decisions. All my thoughts. All my actions. Was I selfish for coming away? What right do I have to complain about an extra few weeks when some people will lose loved ones forever? Am I really innocent in this, or have I made my own demons?

It is a dangerous spiral, a black hole from which there can be little hope of escape without light to guide you back. 

Reading the above, I hope you are worried. I hope you see things that make you sit up and take notice. But I also hope you noticed the bit I mentioned about this not being a cry for help. Writing the above has been painful, raw and ugly. But it has also been cathartic. It has been a source of great pain, but also the release of a safety valve we all need to lift every now and then.

Because despite all of this, I do have my lights to guide me back. My family. My friends. And in the centre of it all, my beacon. Katie. 

I spoke to her before to tell her the bad news that she couldn't come just yet. I didn't realise at the time but she broke down and cried on her mum afterwards. She didn't say anything to me. She was trying to protect me. An 11 year old child once again protecting the adults because we need protecting from ourselves. It was so humbling, and mortifying to realise my selfishness and cowardice. 

But it also filled me with strength, with positivity and with love. All the above is just noise. It can feel like important noise - and if you don't make it regularly then it can become dangerous noise. But it is just noise. It doesn't matter, provided you don't let it. Provided you can find your beacon, your centre, your focus. 

Learn to accept the bad (it doesn't always have to be with good grace) but make it's impact on you fleeting. Make sure when you deal with it, you deal with it properly and quickly. Don't linger, don't dwell and don't withhold. Communication and honesty are the keys to this. Say what needs to be said, scream at the injustice of it all, rage against the insanity of life. 

But learn to forgive the world, because at the end of the day the world is simply there, moulded and shaped by our actions, our words and our thoughts. Forgive yourself, learn to control your demons, let them out when it is safe to do so, and return them when you are done. 

Then focus on what matters. Find and cherish the good in the world. Embrace and love that which brings you joy and happiness. 

Thank you for your time, your love and your understanding.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 61 - For the Greater Good

Phew. I think I've finally caught up with blog posts. It has taken a huge amount of copying old ones and late night finishes but I'm there. One thing I've been trying to avoid with this blog is making it a chore to write (and read) so I'm quite proud of the fact that I'm nearly 9 weeks into my trip and (a) people are still reading it and (b) I'm still finding things to stay and do.

Unfortunately this coronavirus is putting a huge damper on my ability to show you the delights of Baton Rouge, Houston and beyond. And it is also rendering my dad's ongoing trip as nothing more than a glorified hotel stay without the swimming pool and the complimentary bar. He's even having to cook for himself (though voluntarily) most nights!

I'm never seen such a panic in the world in my life time. Added to the Doomsday Clock being at 100s to midnight (it has never been closer) and you'd be forgiven for thinking the world is a pretty shitty place to live in right now. That opinion isn't greatly contradicted by the constant stream of sensationalist drivel that the 24 hour news stations seem to be peddling in the ongoing war for ratings. 

You could also argue that it is typical of the current state of things that a global pandemic is being seen as a chance to make compelling TV and politically score points rather than as a worldwide crisis that needs to be solved together. 

And you'd have a point.

It seems to be a real problem with the (Western particularly) world that personal agendas and selfishness affect the way we try to deal with things. "For the greater good" is the Utilitarian doctrine that pushes the theory (very simplistically) that the correct course of action is the one that benefits the most people. For the record, it is also the words Grindelwald had engraved on the entrance to Nurmungard in the Harry Potter series - but I'm conveniently choosing to ignore that for now.

There is obviously plenty wrong with Utilitarianism, principally the logical "endgame" of the philosophy which will happily make a smaller number of people miserable if it benefits the whole. But the general theory behind it has some merit. It tries to encourage people to act in a way that removes selfish agendas and tries to benefit the greater population. You feel like, in these times, that the world could do with more of that.

Hopefully we'll see the needs of the many start to outweigh the desires of the few. As I've said before, I believe humanity has that capability. Is this the crisis that drives us to act?

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 53 - Perspective

The news the last few weeks has been dominated by two things over here in the USA. The "Primary" elections which are helping to shape the political landscape ahead of the upcoming Presidential election, and the outbreak of the Coronavirus. 

One is being treated as a matter of grave importance which affects the whole fabric of life and society as a whole, the other is a potential global pandemic (the sixth Public Health Emergency of International Concern since 2009) which has barely made the news here in Texas. 

Someone in the lift today at work even made the comment, "I really hope they stop overreacting about this, I have a vacation to Italy in a few weeks and it is non-refundable"! Zero perspective, zero empathy, zero understanding of the wider world and the things that others are dealing with.

It is all a matter of perspective and empathy, and somewhat related to the inherent selfishness (or at least "looking after number one" -ness) that we are often guilty of, particularly in the good old developed world. 

"What matters to me is more important than anything else".

Don't get me wrong, I get that attitude. And I'm sure I practice it sometimes! But a significant number of problems with the world in 2020 stem from the inability (and often unwillingness) of people to look beyond one's own opinion and see the world through other people's eyes. The job I do (I design chemical plants) is often lambasted in the media due to its perceived impact to the climate change problem. But people often fail to understand that without what I do, the world as we know it simply can't function. So you want the "good" without understanding there is  "downside" that comes with it.

There is no perspective, the narrative is twisted to suit the agenda of whoever is trying to make the point (FAKE NEWS!) and it doesn't drive the conversation the wrong way.

A sense of perspective is important, generally. So many things get distorted and twisted into such a position that they can seem like the end of the world - and to some people they are. To be fair, context is very important here. One person's life or death situation can obviously correspond to something which doesn't even register on someone else's radar. 

Everyone struggles with these things throughout life. We've all been guilty I'm sure of overplaying the importance of something in the past, equally I'm sure we've all had opportunity to look back and say "hmmm, maybe that was important after all!". Once again it is about balance though, as so many things in life are. Balance is something we all need, whether we realise it or not!

Passion is fantastic, having things to care about is a big part of life. Everything needs a context though - and I think that is where we can all do a bit better. We also need to do a better job of empathy. Try to understand WHY a person doesn't share the same opinion as you, or has different priorities to you. It's the old "walking a mile in people's shoes" cliche.

With the world the way it is we need to come together more. We need to help to breed a culture of tolerance and understanding. Learning to appreciate what makes others tick and what others care about, without diluting your own passions and cares - that can go a long way to making the world a better place.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 35 - Getting it out there

Pushing On

Always posing!

Approximately this time last week I was feeling the euphoria of finishing my 10km. The buzz and the adrenaline were wearing off and the slight aches and pains were just starting to politely make themselves known. 

Got my photos back today and I appear to be enjoying myself quite a bit (keep an eye out on Facebook/Instagram for the full lot). And I don't look like I'm dragging the weight of the world round with me. Which is nice. And fills me with tons of confidence for the next one in two weeks! 

A week later and the aches and pains have receded back into the depths of my mind, which is hopefully testament to the good frame I have got that mind in.

I'm not going to pretend that this last few months has been easy, nor am I going to pretend that things don't still weigh on my mind. I still have to make sure Katie is doing OK and you can't fully divorce yourself from something that was such a big part of you life for so long in such a short space of time. But overall I feel good about where I am. 

And I think it is important to talk about these things. It is important to be honest about where you are, how you are feeling. And it needs to be the good days and the bad days. It is very easy sometimes to put on a brave face to the world. Sometimes that is OK, sometimes that is necessary, but sometimes it is OK to show that you are struggling. No one can go through life without struggle. But the world we currently live in seems to equate struggle with weakness, and asking for help as being an admission of failure. So we don't. We push on and hope for the best. Sometimes people come out of the other side without damage, but often they don't.

The tragic news today about Caroline Flack just brings it into sharp relief. This appears to be a case of someone who was left with nowhere to turn. That is shocking. We are all human beings, all trying to live the best life we can and all striving for peace, love and happiness. The fact that there are still hundreds and thousands of people out there who feel they have got no other option is frankly unacceptable. 

So make that phone call. Even to someone who seems OK. Just to say hi, let them know you are thinking of them and you are there. (Just to be fully clear here by the way, this isn't a cry for help from me. I AM good, better than good. I just felt the above needed saying).

Anyway, hope everyone has a good rest of there weekend. Just remember to keep an eye on each other, trust each other and love each other.

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Day 24 - A rollercoaster for the modern world

One thing I always try to be is honest about things. It is not always the easiest thing in the world but I like to think that most people respect that I'll be clear about what I'm thinking when asked (and often unsolicited as well). 

The video sums up pretty well how things have been today. It has been a real struggle and I think it is important to acknowledge when things haven't gone your way. This is instead of what I used to do - which was grumble incessantly about shit I can't control, take it out on the wrong people or bottle it up like a dropped Coke.

I've mentioned it previously but I see this blog sometimes as a place to release frustrations and get things which can clutter the brain up out. It is a way to debrief after a difficult day without ending up making decisions which I regret (such as having that take-away amongst others). 

This kind of far-flung existence can often be a real rollercoaster. I have great days full of enthusiasm and drive, and days where I am lethargic and struggle to be motivated. We all do though, I am by no means unique. 

The trick I am trying to pick up is how to roll those not-so-great days into better ones. Trying to see how I can take positives even out of days which haven't gone great. No matter what has gone on, there should always be something, some seed, which you can use to plant the roots of tomorrow. 

And to me it is all about setting yourself little goals, little things on the horizon to look forward to. Ways to work through the more difficult times and point yourself in the direction of better ones. Because there is almost always a better time somewhere in the future. 

It won't often be apparent, and it is only rarely handed to you. Life is a struggle at times but a positive mindset is something that I have been working so hard on. Taking those moments that might really have put me under undue pressure in the past and turning them around to be the starting point for a better day tomorrow.

That is really the goal here. To make each day better than the one before, but allow room for those days when it doesn't go to plan. You'll have them. We all do. But what I am trying to do is make sure those bad days aren't big setbacks which undermine the good work that has gone before. 

I'm very very fortunate with what and who I have in my life. It is important to me to look around and take stock after a bad day and remind myself of that. Sometimes it is easier than others, sometimes it is painful. But by understanding and accepting the rollercoaster of life, and making sure you dampen the downs and amplify the ups, you should be able to  always take the positives forward.

Till tomorrow, Tom 

Day 20 - Finally we'll see

So three and a half years after Britain's night of madness, it seems the most prolonged shooting of oneself in the foot has finally come to fruition. I'll be honest, I thought sense would prevail but here we are. 

Brexit. 

The UK no longer in the EU. 

No longer a medium fish in a reasonable sized pond but a tiny fish in a massive one. Our empire is long gone, our bargaining power is reduced significantly from what is was, our economy is reliant on financial services and tourism, we don't make anything which is of value to other countries and we are no longer competitive as a repository for science and engineering funding (especially at the higher education level). 

Make no mistake people, we hold NO aces here. Zero. Hell, we are playing Top Trumps while the rest of the world is on No Limit Hold 'Em.

As you can probably guess from my narrative, I voted to Remain. The industry I work in, the type of career I have and the lifestyle I want for me and my family are better suited in the EU. I appreciate for other people that isn't the case, and I respect those views. It's also true that a lot of people voted one way or the other based solely on a misunderstanding of what that voted entailed (and NEITHER side helped in that regard) or in some cases just on rank obvious racism. As I said, everyone is entitled to an opinion.

But there is no scenario, not one, that leaves me better outside of the European Union. 

Do I think the EU works as it is? No, not really. The original idea of a trade organisation works wonders but try pulling together so many disparate languages, ideologies and beliefs into a single political system and you are asking for trouble. So I can see why, to some people, bailing out and going alone is the right answer.  Maybe it might become the right answer. 

Unfortunately, to become the right answer you need strong, decisive people at the wheel of a runaway train like this. Do we have those? You must be kidding me?! I wouldn't trust a single one of them to act in the best intentions of the UK as a whole.

We come back to the inherent problem again - that Brexit might work fine if a bunch of idiots weren't left in charge of it. Douglas Adams' famous phrase from The Hitchhikers Guide comes in here, 

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job".

And at the end of the day, that is the worry. All the scaremongering from both sides, the predictions of apocalyptic doomsday scenarios etc. is just that - predicting. No-one for sure knows how this will go. I personally based my decisions on what looked like a logic set of extrapolations.

But humans are capable of beating the odds. We can bend the laws of probability. We have this seemingly unquenchable ability to achieve things that no-one could have foreseen, things that fly in the face of all logic and seemingly overrule the laws of the universe. We are capable of staggering, breathtaking achievements.

That is the task facing us now. And it is going to take everyone. All petty arguments must be left at the door. We are where we are. Where we are going is what matters next. And every single person MUST try to be a part of the solution. Everyone has got to pull in the same direction, one which benefits Britain (and the world). The world is suffering enough, and there is enough hostility and mistrust as it is. 

Whatever your thoughts, whatever your beliefs - now is the time for us to unite, and drive towards a common goal. It might not be the goal you were searching for, but if you remember to have your say and pull your weight, it might turn out to be the goal you needed all along.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 15 - All you need is love

Bit of a downpour

Well it took about 24 hours before Baton Rouge decided to make me feel right at home. Woke nice and early (not sure when I became an early bird). 

Flung open the curtains. Cue sullen grey skies, driving incessant rain and a general feeling of overcast-ness (not sure that's a word but it'll be the job for now). 

Managed to get to the gym this morning as well so that's a nice positive start to my time here.

So, the big news coming out over the last few hours or so here in the USA is the death of Kobe Bryant, a former NBA (basketball) player widely acknowledged to be one of the best of all time. He was 41. His young 13 year old daughter died in the same helicopter accident. He leaves behind a wife and (I think) three or four other young kids. Last night LeBron James passed him for 3rd on the all-time scorers list and Kobe sent a congratulatory tweet to acknowledge the achievement. Less than 24 hours later and this happens. Tragedy doesn't even begin to describe this. And it is by no means the only tragedy that will happen today. There are always lives being changed in a heartbeat.

It hits home quite a bit for me. I mean I didn't earn $25m a year bouncing a ball around a court obviously, but he's two years older than me - and his daughter is two years older than Katie. The hardest thing about being away is missing her, and not being a daily part of her life. We try to talk everyday (when she can find her phone!) but not being able to give her a hug when things haven't gone great, a celebratory high-five when she manages to achieve something she's been aiming at - yeah that's so hard. I miss those moments, the ones that seem insignificant, but hurt when you can't have them.

I talked a bit about this the other day, but this whole episode kinda piled on top. It really does show how fleeting life can be and therefore how you should do EVERYTHING in your power to make sure your love ones know they are loved, every chance you get. There is no way of knowing when your (or their) world(s) may be turned upside down and changed beyond imagination. 

Knowing you have people who care about you goes such a long way to making life more pleasurable, knowing there is always someone on the end of a phone who you can rely on when you need them. Life is about love - it's about finding it, losing it, cursing it and embracing it. It causes the darkest of pain when it goes wrong, but the pinnacle of joy when it goes right. Love defines us as humans. Love is why we are here really, to experience it and see it in the eyes of others.

Make sure those you love know that tonight. And make sure you live tomorrow with as much love as you have to spare. That is what pushes us to bigger and better things. That is what makes us take chances and have adventures. Because the feeling when things come together (even the little things) is unmatchable.

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Day 5 - A bit of reminiscing

Strange day today. Realised when I was sat in work that the last time I sported the suit, shirt and tie combination I had on was my mum's funeral, nearly two years ago. It also dawned on my at the time that this was the first major life-altering period I've been through without her. So that brought plenty back.

It got me thinking about the future, and how we should embrace it. My mum was too young when she died, just around the time my dad finally retired and they seemed to have everything all set up. Life is shit like that sometimes. But it also presents you with opportunities, even in the dark times.

It gives you a wake-up call and the opportunity to take stock of your life and work out what is important to you. It gives you the opportunity to make positive decisions and consciously be a positive force. Dwelling on what might have happened is unproductive, but remembering the good times and promising yourself that you'll make good memories moving forward can be constructive. 

For me the sad part is that (at almost the drop of a hat) you can lose the ability to continue to make memories with the people you love. 

So take advantage and go make those memories today. Don't put something off waiting for the right time, turn the situation into the right time. We all have the ability to influence our surroundings and our mentality if nothing else. Be positive, be amazing and be in control of your own opportunities. 

With that out of the way I'll revert back more mundane and fun topics. We finally managed to find Jeff some red velvet cake - and it was demolished at a rate of knots! 

He's been after some for a while and finally we found one that looked worth the hassle. And it was. I had a sneaky bit. This came after we managed to put away a good 1 1/2 16" pizzas between three of us from the excellent Russo's in Midtown (here).

So the healthy living is struggling a touch! I've stabilised the next few days but once I get to BR it'll all be good. 

That's it from me. Hope you have a fantastic Friday and I'll catch you tomorrow.
Till then, Tom

Tribalism

So it has been announced that the St. Louis Rams and the “Greatest Show on Turf” are no more. Say hello to the Los Angeles Rams. The next time we see the famous blue and yellow helmets will be on the well-trodden grass of L.A. Coliseum (well, unless they start with an away match but don’t ruin my flow here). It is a relocation of a mere 1800 miles!

To put that in perspective to my UK readers that is the equivalent of my football team, Everton, suddenly upping sticks and playing next season somewhere like Gibraltar. It is an unfathomable concept for those of us living on this small island (where the uproar caused by Wimbledon FC’s 56 mile relocation to Milton Keynes still resonates strongly, particularly around the London borough). 

Sports teams are part of the fabric of a lot of communities, a source of great pride when things are going well, and utter despair when they aren’t. “Bragging” rights within cities are often worth significantly more than simply 3 points.

But what is it that makes us loyal to a brand, an ideal, a sports team etc..? Is it purely location or is it in fact familiarity and history? Is it that sense of belonging, that feeling of having something you identify with? And what happens when it is stripped away?

How will those NFL fans in L.A. who have been without a team since the Rams themselves left – along with the Raiders – 1994 react? And what about those in St. Louis who are now without a team? Do you follow “your” Rams from afar, or do you seek something closer to home to root for? Within the UK distances are quite a bit smaller and so something on the scale of the Rams relocation simply wouldn’t happen. But in general people will react when their tribal instincts are upset.

Tribalism is a very interesting concept within the human make-up. Rams fans within St.  Louis will feel as though they have been abandoned and many will no longer have a “tribe” to associate themselves with. Within the sphere of sport, this is probably not critically important (though I know Rams fans may disagree) but you can also apply these same principles to the world at large, and the story gets more serious there.

The world is in turmoil, and a lot of it can be traced back to the idea of tribalism – religious, political and socio-economic. Factions (held together by shared beliefs, ideals and goals) have battled each other since before history was recorded. It is inherent in the human condition to find people of like mind, and then to disagree with people of unlike mind. Slights (perceived or real) against “our tribe” are often met with the quickest of retorts, and outside interferences which upset the balance are, by the same token, generally unwelcome.

People want to “belong”, it is an intrinsic need for most humans. And more than that, we wish to thrive. Our tribal needs are (either consciously or unconsciously) seen as more important than competing needs of other tribes and it takes a strong character to be able to see beyond these instincts and understand the benefits of mutual existence.

I’m not saying tribalism is a bad thing, in fact there are many positive elements that can be taken from “pulling together” - the recent floods in the North of England are a great example of how a community united can make a huge difference. But the sense of “us against them” can detrimental.

There are many competing tribes within the world and it is critically important to understand how the tribes we are part of interact with others. How do other people see things? What do other people need from us? What will happen if we interfere (directly, indirectly or even accidentally) with other tribes?

It is very difficult to incorporate these thoughts into our already busy lives. And even if we do it is fair to say that some tribes and some people simply cannot (or will not) be part of the solution. But we have to try. We have to strike the right balance between pride in our tribes and understanding for others.

Human existence is a jigsaw, with many pieces to a large (and ultimately unsolvable) puzzle. We need to work as hard as we can to fit these pieces together in the best arrangement, and to understand how our actions affect these interactions . That takes compromise, communication and compassion.

As for the Rams, hopefully those fans left behind will have a tribe to be part of and hopefully those new fans in L.A. will embrace what has already been built in St. Louis and keep the existing tribe alive.

Till next time,

DT

It's obvious when you look back

20:20 hindisight. Everyone has it. The ability to look back on something and realise that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. Or the opposite, to look back and realise that in actual fact you should have done that when you had the chance. It's amazing how obvious things can seem after the event. To the point where you genuinely can't understand how you didn't spot it in the first place.

But, does 20:20 hindsight actually help though? Does it stop you making the same mistakes again and again? Because in the end that is the only real purpose it serves. It doesn't really help you fix what went wrong the last time, so all it can do is help you to not do the same thing again. Strange how often it doesn't do that though. It seems to be a moment of clarity amongst the fog of real life sometimes.

Since being diagnosed with bi-polar I've often found myself employing 20:20 hindsight with staggering clarity. Looking back it was all quite obvious really. Although it was suggested as a possible condition in the past it was never seriously explored. But why not I wonder? It explains such large chunks of my life.

It explains the fluctuating moods and, to some extent, the strange periods of behaviour. The frequent blocks of mania (some may say obsession) interspersed with those of being a seriously anti-social and (quite unpleasant at times) prat never seemed to fit but now I can see how they do. It becomes quite obvious looking at it from this side of time.

So does this clarity after the event help to prepare for the next event? Well at the moment it doesn't seem to unfortunately, which is kind of the point I was trying to get too here. I feel we don't really learn from our past experiences enough. I for one seem to be terrible at noticing signs and predicting what is coming.

The worst cases surrounded my bowel conditions which for a long time was one big cycle of; let it build up, realise it had got bad, suffer horrendously while it got fixed, promise never to let it get that bad again; and repeat. I know it drove people to despair and I know it pushed people away, why was I so unable to see the cycle?

Even now, despite me sitting here and saying that looking back I can now understand some of what happened to me and why, I can guarantee that there will be moments in the future when I just don't see things coming. Things I have seen before plenty of times and things which, when I get on the other side, will seem staggeringly obvious.

Is it just me? Probably not. But that doesn't stop it being any less frustrating. The key to mistakes and difficulties is to learn from them and make sure we don't end up in situations that we don't want to be in again. It is getting better, I am starting to learn a bit each time I go through a down-cycle. But I'm a long way from converting that perfect hindsight into 20:20 foresight.

Till next time,
DT

Waiting. For what?

Why is waiting for things such an odd experience? Especially when those things are answers that, to be brutally honest, won't really change anything once I have them?

I was supposed to get some test results back this week but for one reason or another they haven't been forthcoming yet. I'm assured that they will be forthcoming very soon but regardless of what the answer actually is, it shouldn't affect anything that greatly. It will be simply a measure of the degree of the problem rather than an acknowledgement of the problem and there won't really be anything I can do differently when I know what that degree is.

So why have I frozen? Why am I stuck in limbo, unable to really do anything constructive while I wait for someone to give me an answer which to all intents and purposes is irrelevant?! I should be simply pottering along with things and when the answer does finally come, it'll simply put a context around everything.

It shouldn't be life changing in itself. It won't drastically alter anything, the level of upheaval is already planned for and I doubt there will be any surprises. Yet I seem to be physically and mentally blocked by the fact that I don't have the answer yet. Why?

It can't be fear. I already know basically what is coming so I'm prepared for that. Or maybe it is fear? Maybe it is a deep-down fear that I think I can handle things but when the time comes maybe I can't. Or maybe it is a fear that when the answer comes then the whole thing will suddenly be real. Who knows?
There is obviously some anxiety around but not enough to render me essentially incapable!

I feel perfectly calm and relaxed, except the fact that my mind is inescapably sending me down the same set of thoughts every time I give it licence to roam. I wish they'd hurry up and tell me, yet I already know the answer.

So what precisely is it that I'm waiting for?!

Till next time,
DT

Carpe Diem

It is amazing the things which can get our heart racing and our blood pumping. Even something as simple as going on a new roller-coaster for the first time can have that effect. The slight trickle of fear, the buzz of anticipation and the sense of the unknown. They are the moments that make life what it is.

These are those fleeting seconds that have the potential to take our breath away but they are often lost in the humdrum drone of day-to-day existence. Why? And when we do encounter them and try to embrace them, do we truly understand how fortunate we are to be able to experience them?

When you stop to think about it, life itself is a miracle. The set of circumstances required to put us here and now is so staggeringly improbable that even Hollywood would describe it as a "bit far-fetched". Life is often described as a journey, not a destination, but do we honestly realise how fleeting a journey it might be? And why do we seem content to make our way "safely" through the journey to a destination that frankly I am in no hurry to get to? Can we honestly say we do justice to what we have? I know I have been as guilty as anyone in the past, and maybe I still am. Maybe I'm just kidding myself, it has often been mentioned that I talk a lot!!

But what is it that stops us from truly seizing the day, what holds us back? These moments that take your breath away, even for a second, should be embraced and grabbed onto with as many limbs as you can manage. Yet we often seem content to merely let them pass us by, afraid to grab on and shake every moment of happiness, exhilaration and joy out of them. We underplay them, we allow them to be overwhelmed by moments of frustration and anxiety.

Yes it might only be a simple roller-coaster with less than 2 minutes of varying emotions and feelings followed by a hope that your stomach rejoins you. But they are strong feelings, powerful emotions - these are the moments that are recalled when minds are allowed to wander. These moments are the ones that have tales told and songs sung about them. The intense moments, the powerful moments, the sensations of truly feeling alive are what matters.

Even those experiences that hurt so so deeply, those that feel like they will never stop aching - they should still be embraced for what they are. Yes they hurt, but that only shows that they matter, that they are important lessons and seminal experiences.

They are the moments that define our lives, they are the moments that elevate our senses and our feelings and they are the moments we (should) live for. We should look for these moments whenever possible; the ones that take your breath away and pull at your insides, for better and for worse.

Because what is the alternative? What is to be gained by not living for the moment, what can be achieved by safely navigating through this journey? We will all end up at the same destination eventually, why not take the bumpy route along the way?

Everyone's life is a story just waiting to be written, and tomorrow seems as good a time as any to get that first page done if you haven't yet. So search out those moments, embrace them when they come and make sure you live every second of them, the good and the bad.

To thoroughly overdo the latin;
Tempus fugit. Carpe diem cum poteris

Till next time,
DT

Exercising my democratic right

So today was postal vote day here in the Owens household. As a member of a democratic society with free elections and at least some choice on who I vote for, it would be remiss of me to complain too much. But I will have a little bit of gripe though!

It is fair to say today's options felt pretty limited when staring at the paper. Having Huey, Dewey and Louie as my top three options would have probably given me more confidence than the shower being presented for perusal today. The European election list was even worse, with 11 options to choose from including 7 various forms of "Take the UK out of Europe" and a Pirate Party!

Unfortunately the situation I find myself in is that I just don't have any faith that those who want to run the country actually have any idea HOW to run the country should they be given that chance. Now I appreciate that I am generalising here but I'm afraid it all drags me back somewhat to Douglas Adams' famous quote regarding the Presidency of the Universe, "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves elected President should on no account be allowed to do the job".

The problem for me comes from the fact that there appears to be a massive disconnect here between wanting to run the country for the good of the country and wanting to run the country because you get loads of perks for being an MP and it looks like jolly good fun. And I suspect that most of those who have the "big" roles are fully aware that nothing ever happens in Government except trying to make the last lot look bad.

It is a real travesty that in the Western developed world we have a system that allows people to have some say in who is in charge, only for our options to represent Moe, Larry and Curly (and not in a good way). There are some people in this world who will NEVER experience true freedom of choice, never experience democracy - even though the form which we see feels slightly stunted sometimes!

But despite all of this, in fact BECAUSE of this it is still vitally important to vote. Freedom can disappear in an instant, and even a freedom that isn't quite as far-reaching as we would hope is surely better than none at all. Not everyone is afforded the luxury of having a say in how their lives are run, we are lucky that we have the option of Moe, Larry and Curly - others are stuck with what they are given.

Till next time,
DT