Days 105,106,107 - Experiences

I firmly believe that life is about experiences and creating memories. When all is said and done, your life essentially IS the sum of those experiences and memories you have gathered over the years. It is not the sum total of the possessions you own but rather the cumulative total of all the things you have seen and done. And that includes the good ones and the not-so-good ones equally. 

A huge part of these experiences and memories for me is the people that you choose to do these things with. The greatest experiences that I can look back on combine these elements of not just "what" but "who". After all it is other people and our interactions with them which drive most of our day-to-day lives. Whether it is people you work with, people you spend time with or people you glimpse into the lives of (both fictional and non-fictional). 

I can be personally guilty of being very insular and particular isolated sometimes. I'm not going to lie, some days I don't want to see another single human being. It is not necessarily because I don't like other people but simply that occasionally it is OK to do things on your own. 

However this lockdown, coupled with the remoteness from the people I love, is reminding me more and more to take advantage of opportunities to do things with those people who mean the most to me. Say yes more often than not, even if the thing you are saying yes to might not have been on your radar initially. 

And also be aware that it is not always the same person (or set of people) who make the experiences special. Sure you might do the majority of things with a particular person but everyone needs space and time to make their experiences and memories in the way that feels right to them. So it is important to find a group of people you can trust, and who can add to your experiences in different ways. Sort of like "horses for courses" but with people 'I guess!

Every day gives us the opportunity to enrich our lives and to add another "notch" to the belt of life experiences. Even in these very difficult times. And the things that we can't do now, start working out how to make them happen - and who you wanna drag along for the adventure.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 102,103,104 - Building

"Success breeds success" they say. In cricketing parlance fielding teams tend to say "one brings two" - meaning of course, get one batsmen out and you might have a good chance at getting another one. It basically means that it is important to build on good things, good days, good experiences - use them as a catalyst for pushing onto the next good thing.

One of the things that has been so tough about this lockdown is building positive momentum. When you are confined to four walls (with a few exceptions) it can be difficult to continue being positive about things and to use previous successes to fuel others.

But not impossible. I think the key thing I'm starting to learn about this lockdown is how important it is to be flexible - but also to be resilient if things don't go your way. You can't always have the opportunities to build positive momentum, but that doesn't mean success need to be isolated. If you can learn to take positive energy when you generate it and find a way to channel it (not always in the same direction) then you a good distance along the way of surviving this lockdown - not only intact but in a better position than where you started.

It makes sense when you think about it. A really good gig gets you buzzing and in the mood for another one. A great meal always seems to leave you wanting more no matter how full you are. And there is no better way to get over the end of a holiday or a trip than to get planning another one. I am sure this is some psychological or neurochemical effect within the brain that explains fully this relationship between doing something fun and suddenly wanting nothing more than to keep doing it. But I'll leave that to the professionals! 

All I know is that when you get that urge and/or that intense enthusiasm and desire to do something then it is your brain giving you some fantastic advice. "That was brilliant, let's do that again soon". And who am I to argue with my brain on something so important? the key is to make sure you find multiple angles, multiple different ways to channel that energy. That way, if your first plan isn't available then you can always have back-up which means that great, positive momentum isn't wasted.

Till tomorrow,
Tom

Days 100/101 - The next 100

So yesterday completed my first 100 days of my great adventure. I can safely so that no-one out there  would have seen it panning out the way it has when I finally agreed to it about 9 months ago. It is also pretty safe to say that even after I got here and started to settle in, it has definitely taken a turn for the worse.

Looking Forward

But this year was always supposed to be a positive so instead of looking back and reminiscing about the first 100 days, I want to look ahead to the next 100 - and set myself some goals. 

A lot of these are obviously pretty dependent on the lockdown being lifted and life returning to normal, but not all of them. Some are ambitious and may take the rest of the year, some should be quicker!

Get Katie over to visit

Do a skydive

Learn at least three songs on the banjo without needing to refer to the music

Join a martial arts group

Complete another 10km

Drop another 2 stone

Learn one song on the drums well enough to play along

Have a half-decent conversation in Spanish with someone

Go on a date (I'd even take an unsuccessful one!)

It's all about looking to the future, setting goals and working towards achieving them. If you look forward to what is to come, and set good targets, then it can really help you to work through those crappier times and take the positives out of things.

I'll keep you updated on progress, and let me know what else needs to be on the above list. Anything will be considered, provided it is legal of course!!

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Day 98,99 - Inspiration

This virus and the related lockdowns are throwing the human condition into sharp relief. 

Humans are the most unbelievably complex and varied species on the planet, if not in existence. We are present in almost every form you can imagine. Some are inspirational, others insipid. Some will move heaven and earth for others, others not so much. Some give uncontrollably, others are parasitic. Some have nothing but selfish desires, others are empathic to the point of giving their own happiness for another. Some care nothing for the future, others strive to make it better. 

The biggest frustration is that we should all be capable of the greatest of things. Every single one of us theoretically has the potential to be the inspiration, the spark, the catalyst. Yet some choose the easy path, or choose to hide behind others, or twist circumstances and people to suit their own ends. 

I did use to believe that this potential to be an inspiration was within everyone, given the right prompts. Now I am not so sure. Just watching how the biggest health scare in our generation has quickly turned into yet another bout of political point scoring and "me first" mentalities sickens me.

This was the chance to be our generation's "moment", that one thing that brings the world together to fight for each other. The first time that a common enemy could be identified and we could work as a whole for the benefit of all mankind. Our "alien invasion scenario" if you were.

Instead within a few weeks we had people buying more supplies they could ever need, not thinking for one second about others. We have politicians manoeuvring for position, the rich looking for excuses not to share. We have people who's first instinct should be "what can I do to help" instead hiding away and saying "oh that's too much trouble for me". We have people who can't put aside prejudice and hate to come together for a common cause.

It abhors me, and it should you too. The aliens wouldn't even have to try, we destroy ourselves.

But it doesn't have to be that way. The world will continue to turn, but differently from before. We should try to be a part of the the solution, instead of just living in our own bubble and not giving a shit about who is suffering from our actions (or inactions). I'm just as guilty, don't think this isn't directed at me as well. I know I haven't done enough, though I am trying.

So this is my plea to myself, and to others who are inclined to care.
(For the rest, I have little more to say).

Be bold, be courageous, be an inspiration. If you have the will, it gets you a long way there. And sometimes we don't realise what can be achieved until we see other people achieve it. 

Accept the inspiration and try to pass that on. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, or anything big or expensive. It can be the simplest of things, but try to do something. You only have to keep the bucket moving, not carry the load yourself. We are capable of so much when we work together, when we put our petty desires aside and simply strive to be better. 

It is not always easy, or even obvious a lot of the time, but these moments cross our paths more frequently than realise. Take one, and run with it. 

Till tomorrow,

DT

Day 97 - A simpler time

So this week or so has been difficult. This is never an easy time of year, bad memories come thick and fast - too many, "what ifs" and "what could have beens".

I always seem to do the same thing when life gets like this, regress to what I suppose you would say is a simpler time. Being a kid really was very easy, I just wished I'd realised it back then. We spend a large part of our youth wishing to be older, then when we get older we begin to understand what it was that got wished away!

Just flicking through the TV planner here in the apartment I found something which perfectly exemplifies what I am talking about, the movie Chariots of Fire. Now if you've never seen it, you seriously need to go watch it. No special effects, no tricks, but quite simply one of the most inspirational and uplifting movies ever made (with possibly the most iconic opening theme in history). This was not a movie that needed to blow things up or convolute the plot to tie us in knots. It was simple, raw and, frankly, a million times better than anything we see today. Without the shortcuts afforded by modern technology this was how things used to be, you had no choice but to do it right. Simple. Beautiful. Evocative.

And it means a lot to me. I remember watching it with my folks at least a couple of times, great memories of childhood which mean so much this time of year. Plus, the opening scene is filmed on the West Sands at St. Andrews, a place that most of you know holds a very special place in my heart and my life. I'm not going to say it is where I was at my happiest, because that does disservice to the rest of my life (plus everyone knows my happiest times are always with Katie) but it was a period of my life that I often find myself yearning for in times of difficulty. Oh if I could go back to those days now, with everything I know today, the world would be there for the taking!

I guess it is no surprise that when things get a bit overwhelming, emotional or complicated in life that people look for those calmer times. As I mentioned before, my default "protective" position is a regression back to when things were simpler in my life. I don't know why it is, I just feel more comfortable when I am reminiscing about how things used to be. Is that healthy? Probably not in all honesty, but I think as long as you temper it with a healthy dose of realism (the world ISN'T going to go back to how it was) I don't think there is huge harm in it.

Sometimes it also helps to re-trigger something. Maybe a long-forgotten dream or an idea that was lost in the ascension to adulthood. Maybe something as simple as reminding oneself how far that person from all those years ago has come. 

Often though it just helps to reset, to remind yourself of how simple things used to be - because in all fairness there is no reason they need to be so complicated now just because we are older and supposedly wiser!

So take that look back through time, remind yourself of how simpler times were, and see if you can do something about making today that little bit less complex and painful. A healthy dose of nostalgia can go a long way.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 96 - Novelty worn off

This video pretty much sums up the current feeling. It's better than keeping everything inside though, and then weekend is fast approaching. Time for a relax, a destress and a rethink of priorities. 

Stay safe folks, and look after each other 🙂

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 92 to 95 - Beauty and the Beast

I'll be honest, this week has sucked. 

It's just been one of those weeks where every little thing seems to be pushing my buttons. Age is obviously just a number (and your mentality plays a huge part in what that number means) but I can't deny that turning 40 is starting to make me take stock of where my life is and where I am going. And it hasn't always been pretty reading. 

Sometimes this beast which lurks amongst all of us is given too much to feed off. Too. much negativity, too much regret.

I often wonder whether I've fully taken advantages of the opportunities I've been given, have I fully challenged myself to be the best I can? Some days the answer is yes, others it is a resounding no. There is definitely a sense of frustration that all of us feel about sometimes wishing we could go back in time and do things differently, knowing what we know now. 

But on the flip side, everything in my life has gotten me to Katie - to being a daddy. That is the most beautiful thing in my life, and something which I am striving to find elsewhere too.

I read an article some 6 years ago on the BBC News website talking about the relationship between mathematics and beauty (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-26151062). It talks generally about the fact that seeing certain mathematical functions and expressions can elicit similar brain functions to looking at artistic masterpieces. Back then it got me thinking about the notion of beauty and things that are beautiful - and it resonates today still with me.

The BBC article mentions one equation in particular - Euler's identity - which perfectly relates five of the most fundamental mathematical constants (0, 1 e, i and π) and three of the basic arithmetic operations (addition, multiplication and exponentiation.

Euler's Famous Identity

I remember the first time I ever understood the dichotomy of this. The contrast of fundamental mathematical and practical simplicity alongside the less tangible sense of wonder and beauty that comes with finding something so perfect, so pure. It triggers curiosity, and curiosity can be a wonderful way to find what you are looking for.  

THAT is what beauty in this world is about. It is about seeing, hearing, touching, tasting or smelling something which elicits pure, raw emotions. Beautiful things stop you in your tracks, they fundamentally change the way you think about things and they make you smile. It is not a superficial thing at all but a much more primal and instinctive reaction.

One of the best things about this world is how much there is out there which has the potential to do those things to us. We shouldn't be striving for possessions or power but rather searching for those moments, those sensations of awe and wonder which we all have the capacity to feel. They don't cost anything to feel and they transcend all barriers. 

And beauty is different for every single one of us, that is what make life so interesting and so full of variety. So get out there and keep your senses open. Don't close your mind to anything and just be alert for those moments that take your breath away, they can come in so many different forms. And when they do come, appreciate them for everything they are. It is better than listening to the beast which lurks there too.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 91 - Two years

Two years. 

It still doesn't seem real. I don't know when it ever will. 

I miss her every day. I miss her guidance. I miss her love. I miss her ability to know exactly what to say and do. She was there through every important moment in my life, and made every one of them better. She added joy and happiness to the good ones, and she brought light into the darker ones. I've missed her. She would know what to do. She would have helped me through the last few months.

Last year felt like a real mental effort to overcome, you know "get through the first one and it'll get easier". If anything it was just a false sense of security, a false dawn. You let your guard down once the big first wave has come through, and you get taken out by the second. It is fair to say that this year I've been more acutely aware of the impending arrival of this day. It has gnawed away, there on the horizon. It has been immeasurably harder, overwhelmingly more present in my mind.

Why though? Why is the second year seeming to be so much harder?

I guess the things that have been lost since last year have played a part. My situation is very different today compared to 12 months ago. But that is only part of it. It is also fair to say that, in the effort to be strong and get through the first one, I failed to understand just how poorly I dealt with it. 

From knowing it was coming, to it actually happening, was such a short period of time. Ridiculous in fact. And although there had always been the idea in the back of my mind that the day would come sooner than we wanted, no-one ever expected it to be that soon. Those few weeks passed. I talked in a previous blog about how they were, in some respects, peaceful and pure. But that doesn't detract from the fact that I was woefully unprepared for what was about to happen.

I dealt with it so poorly. I started seeing demons everywhere. I saw the worst in everything. Every little twinge, every slight cough became a worry. I stopped embracing life and started fearing it. 

I became so scared about not seeing my daughter grow up, or about losing the love of my life, and this terror infected everything I touched. I became the very thing I was scared of becoming. I pushed almost everything good in my life into a corner, determined to protect it without realising I was smothering it. I was killing it, and I just couldn't see it. I wouldn't see it. I thought I needed to do that to cope, I thought I was being strong, I didn't think I wanted to show weakness, nor to show just how much it hurt. 

But that was wrong. So wrong.

I wasn't honest with myself about how I was. I wasn't honest about myself about what I needed. I had the opportunity to do so much more, and I froze in headlights I didn't even realise I was in. I let things drift, hoping rather than doing. I have made so many little mistakes in the last two years, most borne out of ego and denial.

Even now I'm still not there. I still haven't fully let go. I still haven't fully accepted that she is not there, physically, when I need her to be. 

But I think I have learnt to find a way. I think I am doing as much as I can to come to where I need to be. For Katie, I need to. I can't be the dad I need to be, the person I need to be, if I'm worried about becoming the person I don't want to be. 

It is a daily struggle. A daily fight. Not one that I am losing but one that is just taking longer to win. And one that it has only recently become apparent I was fighting. That has been the hardest part, admitting I was in a fight. I should have come to that conclusion so much sooner, and that is a regret that will never really go. 

But the process has started. I feel it. A release, an acceptance, an understanding that I know now what to expect, what to do, how to get through those moments. She will never be forgotten, but from now forward I feel like I can remember her memory in bright sunshine, rather than it being clouded in the darkness of loss.

I will always miss her. I will always wish she was here. But I will not waste what time I have been given in fear, nor in ignorance of how deeply I have been affected. She would never want me to be live like that, it was not her way. 

She showed all of us how to live, how to make the most of every single moment and, even more importantly, that there is no weakness in admitting when you need a minute (or more) to gather yourself. That, along with a staggering amount of love and compassion, will be how I remember her. 

I love you Mum. Always xx

Days 88,89,90 - A hodgepodge

Been an interesting last two/three days - I guess you could describe it as a combination of the old and the new.

For some reason Facebook has been high on the memories this last week or so. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think it is important sometimes not to distort memories too much by looking at them through the larger magnifying glass of life. 

I still get regular items pop up from the last 5 years with Natalie, and to be honest with the years before with other Natalie. I try to look at them in isolation, remember the happy time that came with the good memory, rather than ignore or suppress them because of what came later. For example, last year we had so many cool moments from our trip to Cyprus - and they remain moments that I'll cherish. Because they should. 

And Katie showed me a picture today that she's just had put in a frame of a wedding the three of us went to a few years ago now. I love that she is still able to look back on that evening with love and affection. I love that she is able to just take those moments of happiness in isolation and remember the positives about them. 

You shouldn't look back at your life and retrospectively review events because things didn't end the way you wanted. You shouldn't feel like you have to remember something differently because of what happened later. Live the moment, in the moment. Or maybe what I'm saying is I feel lucky that I don't have to do that.

But a part of looking back at old memories is trying to forge new ones, not easy in these uncertain times for sure. Finding new hobbies, new "obsessions", new loves is always important for keeping things fresh. I managed to find myself a couple of new TV shows to keep me entertained, not to mention a new book series or two. Plus you can see the (limited) progress I'm making on the banjo below!

All-in-all I just think it is so important to take the good from what has been, and try to forge the best future you can. And if you don't give something a whirl, you'll never know what you don't know. If you do make a mistake or go down a path you realise you shouldn't, hey you can usually rescue it before you go too far! 

Till tomorrow,

Tom

ps- how about last night's storm eh? 

Days 86,87 - Feeling it

This week is the first week were it is starting to feel a bit like I'm trapped. I know it is  now week three of working from home but for some reason this week is the one where I'm starting to get itchy feet about how long we are going to be inside. 

It is a combination of things really. Normally this time of the year is when the cricket and golf seasons start and I'm generally found outside most weekends, if not during the week as well. The fact that Katie was supposed to be here this week is also adding to it. I had so much good stuff planned and it sucks watching it all pass us by.

Still, you've got to try and take the positives where you can. Plus it is not one of those situations that can really be affected too much by what you do - at least I think you can only make it worse with inertia, you can't really influence that much the other way. 

So this week has been spent, as most of the ones before really, trying new things and generally doing my best to take advantage of the cards I've been dealt. They aren't amazing cards, but I'll admit that they are probably better than most other people's and I don't have that much of a cause to complain in the grand scheme of things.

Today marked my first proper day having a whack on my new drum kit. I mean I had a wee play over the weekend but I actually started watching the lessons that I signed up for today. Tried a few action shots but unfortunately the angle doesn't do great justice to my (slightly) reduced figure these days!! However, I wanted to get one action shot in so there you go.

In the Music Corner

Also found a spot for Winterfell and The Red Keep in the apartment. Day by day it is feeling more and more like my place and not just somewhere I am in for a year. Obviously once the restrictions are relaxed and I can get out and meet a few more people it'll feel even more like my new home - and I can see myself living here longer if Katie doesn't mind. I've certainly got enough people wanting to visit (including her!) so I wouldn't be too surprised to find me this side of the pond for a wee while yet.

Pride of Place

I hope everything is good with you all back home. I know it is difficult and there has been unprecedented change and challenges over the last few months. Just remember those people that get you through those difficult times, those are the ones to hold onto. 

The world can, and does change, in a heartbeat. Don't take for granted anything, embrace every single moment that you can and hold dear that which you care about. 

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Days 83,84&85 - Long Weekend

Long weekend just about coming to a close. Was supposed to be my first weekend with Katie so sucks quite a bit that it isn't. Actually sucks a lot. Had loads of cool stuff planned, most of which we can do if she gets over later in the year but not all :-( Plus when I came over, with everything that had happened, the light in the distance keeping me going forward was her visit. It is hard, very hard, to not have had that light for the last few weeks. 

However I've managed to fill the void with lots of ridiculously unnecessary purchases! Including some that will stretch my skills (and maybe patience) to breaking point. Still, it is much harder to better yourself if you don't challenge yourself. It is much easier to rediscover yourself and get to the real heart of things if you are giving yourself opportunities to grow and develop. 

It is still difficult seeing the way things are developing back home and just having to watch (especially when people you care about are really struggling with aspects of it). But you have to have faith and trust that people will do what is necessary, even if hard.

First day on the drum kit was a relative success, until I had to involve my feet. Then it was like an octopus trying to cook a paella blindfolded after a bottle of gin. Limbs everywhere, no rhythm and absolutely zero style. Good job it is electronic otherwise downstairs would have heard the sound of collapsing structures in their ears for weeks. It's all a process though, you don't improve without practising and you don't succeed without some failures along the way. It is learning from those things that don't go your way that is important.

Music Corner - where the magic may happen

Banjo was more successful - once I got it tuned. One evening of practice and I can now play (very roughly and with occasional mis-steps) both Ode to Joy and Auld Lang Syne. Once I feel comfortable enough I may even treat you to a rendition - just promise not to laugh at my concentrating face!! Once my keyboard arrives in a few weeks I may be 50%+ of the way to my own bluegrass band.

Bits of The Red Keep

The floor of my apartment is also a jumbled mess of jigsaw pieces as I try to assemble The Red Keep to join Winterfell. It's a bit easier as not everything is grey (and less of it is red than I expected) but it is still a challenge trying to slot everything together and make it all stand up!.

Add on to that the daily Spanish lessons and the ongoing books/games etc. and it's no wonder the time flies past. Hopefully it'll fly to such an extent that it only feels like days between now and when Katie finally touches down on US soil.

A place for contemplation - and the weather for it!

In other news, does anyone know how much a horse costs? Asking for a friend!

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Days 81&82 - Keeping Busy

The last week or so has definitely felt like a transition between things. It is no longer feeling like a short-term trip and more and more like I am here for the year (which obviously I am). I'm not sure why it is now that this has suddenly happened - other than the amount of time I've had to spend in the apartment due to the virus has gone up drastically in the last few weeks. 

I've also made more and more touches around the apartment which are making me feel like this is a more permanent home. And I think this is now the longest single trip away, so maybe that has contributed too.

Part of those "touches" has involved getting myself on with some new hobbies. As well as taking up Spanish, jigsaw puzzles and rediscovering my PS4, I've also branched out into gardening (well, the long-term Bonsai plan) and, more recently, music. As you can see in the video I have decided to embrace my complete lack of musical skill and try to learn an instrument - actually several. The first one to arrive is the banjo, so good luck to the neighbours!

The Office

I find it so important to keep busy. Time can be so fleeting and I think I owe it to myself to try and use it as productively as possible. Plus it helps take my mind of things going on around the world, not to mention some things about my life that I prefer not to dwell on. But it is also important to have variety. To have different ways of relaxing. Some that challenge the brain, some that don't. Physical ones, mental ones, a combination of the two - variety really is the key to keeping anything interesting and fresh.

It's not easy with the restrictions that are in place, and don't seem to be going anywhere soon, but there are 100s of ways out there to keep yourself (and others) entertained. And with modern technology it is becoming more and more practical to spend that time with others as well. 

Katie and I have been doing her schoolwork together the last few days - hopefully freeing Nat up to get on with her uni work and wait for the inevitable call to arms from the NHS. And that's the other key, working together to keep others engaged and entertained through this difficult time takes team-work and some level of sacrifice. 

Tasty Chilli

Being busy is all part of modern life. It's being the right kind of busy that I've been working towards over the last few weeks. Now where did I put the banjo?!

Till tomorrow, Tom