You just can't help yourself sometimes

Wow. Has it really been over a month since I last wrote a blog? So much for a Daily Stream of Unconsciousness eh? Unfortunately its been a case of suddenly getting very busy at work and not really having the time or energy to do things in the evening that I really should!

Its interesting how this often seems to be the case – long periods of “downtime” followed by sudden bursts of needing a few extra hours in the day. It never seems to be consistent and I think its just one of the Unbreakable Laws of the Universe (ULotU).

In that vein I have been thinking about 3 or 4 other “Laws” which seem to just exist, no-one knows how or why they came into existence but there they are, almost mocking us with the way in which they know that no matter how hard we try, we simply can’t fight them.

Barriers around things

This idea is semi-borrowed from the great Douglas Adams but I think it certainly still holds water. Adams (when designing the “rules” for a game called Brockian Ultra Cricket which was briefly mentioned in his Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series) came up with this as a theory;           

Put your team and the opposing team in a large field and build a high wall round them. The reason for this is that, though the game is a major spectator sport, the frustration experienced by the audience at not actually being able to see what's going on leads them to imagine that it's a lot more exciting than it actually is. A crowd that has just watched a rather humdrum game experiences far less life-affirmation than a crowd that believes it has just missed the most dramatic event in sporting history.

Recently we were having some security turnstiles installed at work and no-one really paid much attention UNTIL a barrier was constructed around the area where they were being installed – suddenly everyone was trying to get a sneak peak and see what was going on, just in case it was the most interesting thing ever and they wanted to make sure they didn’t miss it. People just can’t help themselves. Obviously it’s not just the male gender that fall for this, but we seem to be more interested on the whole.

So ULotU Rule #1 – To make something more interesting, make it harder for people to see clearly what it is

 

Toilet Etiquette

This is something all men understand innately. I was certainly never taught this, its just there in my mind. The following diagram is a representation of the Men’s toilets at my work – the numbers correspond to the “correct” filling order.

Any disruption from the filling order (e.g. someone taking #6 when the rest of the toilets are empty) will cause great consternation if a second person comes in to use the facilities for example. Can’t explain it but if you show this to most guys I would expect you would get a very small amount of debate (if any). 

So ULotU Rule #2 – There is a way to “fill” any toilet facility. Its like the offside rule, it’s bloody difficult to explain to the uninitiated but it is unavoidable

Guys feel like James Bond when in Black Tie (i.e. DJ with bow-tie)

Sorry but we do. He’s cool and everyone in black tie wants to look like him and be him. If you are in a black suit and black tie then you start humming the Reservoir Dogs theme tune and deciding whether you want to be Mr Blonde, Mr White or Mr Orange. Obviously no-one want to be Mr Pink and Mr Purple is on another job.

So ULotU Rule #3 – When you wear Black Tie you could actually be James Bond. Black suit and black tie equals Reservoir Dogs

It is almost impossible to use a lightsaber (or anything of that shape) without making a “woosh"

Ewan Macgregor famously added his own sound effects during the lightsaber battles he filmed for Episode 1 (until the crew politely pointed out that they could do that in sound editing later). If a fully trained professional actor can’t help himself then what chance do mere mortals have! Additionally, its amazing how many everyday things can be easily utilised to make a perfect lightsaber in order to be able to carry out the “whooshing” – mops, long-cardboard tubes, cricket stumps etc….

So ULotU Rule #4 – Lightsabers are cool. Making noises with them is even cooler
 

There are many, many other rules of men which have been talked about in great detail across vast swathes of the internet and other assorted media outlets (these things called books that I’ve heard so much about) so I won’t bore you anymore.

For the record (a) since the barrier was removed, nobody has cast a glance at the turnstiles at work (b) if you do use a cricket stump for a lightsaber, check your clearances first because trying to explain to the groundsman why there is a shiny new hole in his recently redecorated changing room is neither a fun nor easy experience!

Till next time,

DT