Day 177 - An unscripted ramble

Pretty simple one today. I haven't done a video blog for a while so here are some of my thoughts. There is little coherence, and I ramble a lot. But hey, you're welcome.

PART 1	PART 2
PART 3	PART 4

Oh and some photos of my room mate enjoying his trip!!

Too Cool

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Hitting the Skins

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Days 128 to 134 - Another week

It's amazing how you can be busy the whole week, not have time to sit down and blog every night, and then come to write about the week's events and have literally NOTHING that seems relevant, important or interesting to say. And it has been a week in which we've have started to open up a bit here in Louisiana and begin the process of moving back towards the new normal - whatever that looks like. So it should have had things of interest to discuss.

The dichotomy between being busy but being unable to relate any of that to others is strange. I don't feel like I have the interest in telling you about what I've been up to, and for that reason I'm almost sure you don't have any interest in hearing! It's by no means terrible, but it just feels completely devoid of substance, shorn of any direction. It feels like motions being gone over, because that is what we do sometimes. We just grind the handle and the weeks go by.

And I certainly have plenty of things I want to be able to do one the lockdown is relaxed a bit more. But I don't think I can honestly look back on the last few months and say that I have made the best use of the time. I've not done nothing, in fact when I look at the list of things I've been up to it is actually quite full, but I just don't feel like any of it was of consequence. I just don't feel like any of it made a difference. 

I turn 40 this year and, unavoidably, milestones often find you looking back and taking stock of your life and your achievements. This last couple of years have obviously been very different and very difficult but even despite that I haven't managed to make as many positive changes and progressions as I would like. 

You can become acutely aware of things that you used to take for granted not being there anymore. And often you didn't even realise you had lost them. There are obvious ones, the biggies that cannot be avoided. But there are more subtle ones - friendships that you have neglected to the point where you can't remember the last time you physically saw people - hobbies or projects that you started so long ago that all they are now is a distant memory of a dream or passion you let drift. These hurt too, realising that you've missed out on experiences and memories that were often close enough to grasp, if you were just looking in the right place at the right time.

It can be disheartening, looking back on what you have done and realising that opportunities have been wasted - and in great number too. It can make it difficult to go again when you begin to question whether you have any relevance. 

Like all problems, an acknowledgement of things is step one - and I honestly know that this isn't some kind of bombshell that has dropped on me. I felt this for a while, but I've found great difficulty articulating it. And again, I don't lack for people to talk to, that isn't the problem. The problem is getting the balance right, between what you can do on your own and what you need some perspective for. 

We are often the worst at seeing our own lives through glasses with no bias, and some of us are notoriously bad at finding the right way to get that perspective and that balance. But the positive thing is that it is something you can control, something you can work on. 

There are things I miss, some beyond what you can comfortably ignore - and there probably always will be. But when I look around I know I am in a good place, and I know I have plenty of things going on in my life. It is just tapping into that and finding the right way to get passionate about these things again.

Hopefully as we move into the middle of the year I'll find a bit of mojo, get out and about a bit more and start to find that inner peace and sense of direction and purpose that has been lacking recently. 

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 124, 125, 126 and 127 - Phase 1

Friday marked the entry into Louisiana of "Phase 1" of the return from Covid-19. I'm still not sure exactly what that means. A bit like Boris's pronouncements back home everything appears to be veiled in confusion and conflicting information. 

Hopefully it means the start of a move back towards some kind of normality but, honestly, who knows. And what even is normal anymore? The world is changing beyond belief in such a short space of time and trying to find a place in it is an ever moving target too it seems.

Not really knowing what is going to happen is the hardest thing. Trying to prepare for the key parts of the year with only vague plans available. When will I get back to see Katie? Will I be home alone on my 40th? How long will it be before I can give someone a hug (as much as I like my work colleagues we are a way from that at this point!)? You try to take the little snippets of positivity you get and use them to build a foundation, but you just don't know what the foundation is built on.

Gears are beginning to grind. The pool and gym have reopened at limited capacity - though the sight of the side panels being raised on the gym too might give you some idea of the temperature at nearly 6pm in the evening (30+C in case you were wondering). 

And the great thing about the heat is that it also brings the rains. It is a seemingly never ending cycle here - build up of humidity and temperature, awesome storm, really pleasant post storm "glow", and repeat.

At least I should start to get out and see more of Baton Rouge as Phase  builds. It may be a while before domestic travel becomes the norm again but the bits I've managed to see recently have been pretty promising. As the bars and restaurants tentatively begin to open their doors I hope that one of the key purposes of this blog (showcasing this part of the world) will happen on a more regular basis.

For now though, let me leave you with tonight's dinner - Creole-spiced chicken and andouille jambalaya. A taste of the south, hopefully there will be many more to come soon.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 122 and 123 - Reaction

Time for Part 3 of my little blog mini-series about events and their impacts. I wrote this 6 years ago, and haven't changed it for this reblog - a lot of it still stacks up. Hope to be back to new blogs from tomorrow :-) 

I've already looked at two critical elements for determining the overall effect that a particular event might have, namely the context and the timing. I now want to look at the third important element, possibly the most vital of them all, which is reaction. 

In terms of our ability to affect and control the impact of events we have a much more limited influence on timing and context. Yes we can anticipate events and try to alter the profile of an impact, so to speak, but we generally have very little control over these aspects. 

Reaction on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. 

The impact of an event is often only as important or as unimportant as WE choose to make it. I'm not saying shitty things don't happen or that everything can be fixed with a "can do" attitude. I'm just saying that often our reaction to an event can be the most important factor in determining the impact or severity of that event. Perspective and a hint of positivity can go a long way. 

It is difficult sometimes obviously. Not everything can be dealt with positively, and not everything should be. There are certain events for which there is no rational and logical approach. Some things need to be cried about, some things ARE the end of the world and some things should be taken seriously. But it is important to always remember that your reaction is one of the things that define an event and often a sense of proportion can be lost when reactions are, well, "poor". 

I have been terrible in that past at this. My reaction to certain things is a big part of the reason I am where I am. There were things that, looking back now, I got terribly terribly wrong. Events that were difficult were made impossible and events that were trivial were made difficult. Situations that should have been easy to solve became difficult and my life ended up taking a path it probably didn't have to. 

The most important thing is to learn to recognise HOW your behaviour and reaction to an event can affect its impact, even after the event has happened. This is not something that is particular common in nature where cause tends to lead to effect with no place for post-event "control". 

But we have the ability and the power to shape that effect, to make it what we need it to be and not just a function of the factors which caused it. This is why I think our reaction to things is even more important than the timing or the context. We can have a direct influence on things (both for good and for bad) and I think too many people don't understand that. 

Or maybe they sub-consciously don't enjoy the responsibility. A lot of people are too quick to complain when everything goes against them without realising that a lot of the time (not all of the time I grant you) their reaction to things can actually greatly influence the net impact. Maybe they like being able to blame something rather than face the (sometimes difficult) choice of what can be done about it. 

Sometimes it can feel like the world is spiralling away from you and there is nothing you can do about it. You feel trapped, isolated and complete helpless. But that doesn't have to be the case all the time. 

There are things we can do about it, things we can control which can help with managing the situations. Positivity and an understanding that WE have a much greater say in things than we sometimes believe is a small step of the way. And if we also become better at finding a sense of perspective and taking some responsibility for events then I genuinely think we can make a difference. 

So always remember, events are shaped by causes - but they are often shaped just as importantly by how WE react to them and how we choose to allow the consequences and impacts to manifest.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 121 - Context

Part 2 of my little mini-series concerning events and their impacts. Last time I talked about the importance of timing and how that can influence the overall actual impact of an event. But often just as important as timing is the context of an event, the background against which that event might take place.

Things are rarely black and white. It is rarely the case that something is completely one thing or the other. Shades of grey permeate all aspects of our life - not THOSE shades of grey though, I'll be steering well clear of those! And it is the same with events, the context is so important to determining the impact which a particular occurrence will ultimately have.

The first thing to remember with events is that the impact will be inherently different for all observers of that event. For example, the impact of a train delay is inextricably linked to your other travel plans. A minor train delay can have essentially one of three major impacts (1) it might make you late for your next connection - negative impact (2) your previous connection was late but the delay has allowed you to make this connection - positive impact (3) you don't have a connection - neutral impact. One event, three contexts and so three net impacts.

But there are other scenarios in which context is vital. Some occurrences of the "same" event can have vastly different impacts dependent on the other conditions and criteria. For example, losing your keys is usually much more of a concern when you are trying to get into somewhere as opposed to getting out. The critical event is essentially identical but the impact is significantly less in one scenario than the other.

We have to be careful to take context into account when analysing an event and the impact it is having. The same event won't always have the same impact. The severity of the impact is also subject to the context - we are back again at shades of grey rather than a black and white view of things.

One of the things I know I have been poor at in the past is overreaction - overplaying the impact of something without stopping to really think about the context. Treating things as a "disaster" without really taking the time to actually consider what the impact really was.

So it is key to take a step back from events and assess the impact properly. Don't just assume that the impact is always the same for similar events and try to consider the positive contextual aspects as well as concentrating on the fact that it could be a disaster. And also think about the scale of the impact, as it is rarely at one end or the other.

I touched last week on events in which time and context were both key factors in determining an overall impact and in truth it is more often the case that the impact is a function of both of these rather than just one. Rarely do you have time without context (or vice-versa) and the interplay between the two is important in determining the overall impact.

Timing and context are both inherent factors to an event and you often don't have a significant amount of real influence on these. Usually the best you can do is try to prepare and to minimise the negative impact from the event. This leads on to the factor that I want to talk about next time, the reaction to an event.

In many ways this is the key element, as this is the one that you have the most control over and the one that you can manipulate with a much higher degree of freedom. So in the next blog I will look at this, at how the event impact can actually be shaped by what takes place AFTERWARDS, rather than before and during.

Till tomorrow, Tom 

Days 113,114,115,116,117,118,119,120 - Timing

8 days without posting. It is fair to say I have well and truly lost my mojo. A bad combination of missing home, struggling with work and suffering physically is all adding up to giving me no desire to share my thoughts - and to be honest my thoughts have pretty much dried up. 

But I want to get back into this. When I was feeling positive earlier in my trip it was because I was blogging, because I was getting my brain emptied regularly and making sure I didn't fester. Sure a lot more has gone wrong since then, but that wasn't supposed to be the point of this. The point of this was to be forward thinking. And even though nothing any politician has said in the past 3 weeks has convinced me we are getting out of this anytime soon, looking forward is the theme from now one.

Now, I've got a really busy 2-3 days coming up so the next three blogs are old ones. But it'll get me into the habit of doing things regularly and then hopefully I'll have drummed up a few new ideas by then. 

So back to June 2014 we go. I was a mere two months away from meeting the light of my life. So much has changed since then, but I think the below is still relevant, particularly with the events that have been thrown and me over the last 6 months.

Till tomorrow, Tom

***************************

Events simply happen, with little thought on their part to the impact. This is a fact of life, and one which certainly keeps things interesting for us all!

But events on their own are simply things that happen, it is the IMPACT of the events which is important. The impact is key and this can be significantly altered dependent on three things: 1) the timing of the event, 2) the context of the event and 3) the reaction to the event.

So I thought I'd do a little mini-series looking at these three things and, probably more importantly, the interaction between them. No idea how it'll go so bear with me if you can!

So then, Timing. 

You often hear the phrase "Timing is Everything". And, like all cliches, the reason you often hear it is because it is often correct. The timing of an event/incident is of critical importance to its impact.

The impact of the arrival of an unexpected bill for example may depend critically on whether you have just been paid. Timing.

Say I am at work and a calculation I have done needs to be re-checked. This is a vastly different scenario dependent on whether it needs to be issued today or in a month. Timing.

Those of you who know about the Buncefield Fire will appreciate the importance of timing in this incident. A series of explosions and their resulting fires caused signficant damage to 20 large fuel tanks as well as numerous buildings on site. There were no deaths and only 2 significant injuries. Why? The event occured at 6am in the morning so the site was mainly uninhabited. Timing.

So it becomes very apparent, very quickly, that the impact of an event is crucially and fundamentally dependent on the timing of the event itself. And this becomes important in managing these events and limiting these impacts. You often can't do anything about the event itself, it'll happen regardless. But you CAN influence its impact if you can control the timing of it, or at least understand the importance of the timing and put steps in to mitigate.

Often I feel we channel our energies in the wrong place when it comes to events. Instead of trying to stop them happening, sometimes (and I stress SOMETIMES) the trick might be to accept that it will happen and put the steps in place to limit the impact by controlling/understanding the timing.

But on the other side of the coin, I know it often isn't that simple. Timing is critical but it can also be heavily linked to the context of an event too. Take, for example, football and the oft-stated phrase "a good time to score". This is implying that (although all goals are worth the same) the timing of a goal is a critical factor in its importance. No doubt this is true in some situations, but the context is important too. A last minute penalty is worth a bit more at 0-0 in a World Cup Final than at 3-0 down versus the Dog and Duck on a Sunday.

So the interaction between timing and context is important here, and this is something I want to touch on in a bit more depth in a later part of this series. Tomorrow I will look at the second factor which can determine the impact of an event, the Context. Hopefully enough of you will be back!

Days 108,109,110,111,112 - Enough already

I'll be honest, this week has been bad. 

It is the first real week of the lockdown where I've felt helpless and lonely. As we drift into May it is becoming more and more apparent that this crisis still has a long way to go - and I have no idea when I'll see the people who are important again.

Possibly related to the above, I've had a mental block the entire time, running out of things to say without repeating myself. There are some things that in an ideal world I'd like to say, but sometimes the right thing to say is nothing - the good of the many more important than the good of one after all. Take a deep breath and control only those variables you have influence over.

Today marks two years since we said goodbye, physically, to mum. We'll never say a complete goodbye, those whom we love never truly leave. But it still hurts like hell. The voice of reason and calm has been missed more than I can ever say these last few years. With everything that has gone on, and with what may still be to come, you can't help think it may have been different had she been around.

It is draining, mentally and physically. My body isn't reacting well to the semi-enforced confinement (I managed 1km yesterday before my knee swelled to the size of a grapefruit - it's still not looking great) and no matter how many hobbies and distractions you give yourself there are still a lot of hours in the day for introspection. It is getting harder not to see Katie, and harder to watch people beginning to think about things moving towards normality back home when I am so far away and much a long way from normal. 

I'll also be honest in that I still harbour a resentment about this whole thing. I'm not arrogant enough to believe the universe has it in for me, I'm an invisible dot on an invisible dot after all, but sometimes I do look around last things and think "enough already". 

After every that happened last year, all the devastation and soul-gutting torment, this year was supposed to offer some relief. A chance to start afresh (not completely but at least partially) and take some time to discover me and make some positive changes to my life. And I am giving it my all to do that. As painful as it is to leave some things in the past I really felt like I was making great strides. 

Then this. I know I'm crying over nothing, I know in the grand scheme of things my suffering is pitiful compared to others. But dammit it feels like every time I make positive progress something jumps out to stall it. It sucks, it is debilitating and it makes me want to scream in frustration and anger.

I saw an article today which said it could be 2021 before Trump considers relaxing international travel to the point where I can have visitors or get home. Don't be fooled by his "open the country" rhetoric. It's all internal, the international community will have to wait. So that means I may not even be halfway through this. 

Its been 112 days since I gave Katie a hug, 112 days since I set off on this big adventure. I'd just like the world to uphold its end of the bargain and let me do what I set out to do. I'm not asking for the impossible, I'm not asking for anything beyond the norm. I'm just asking for a fair run at this. Enough already.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 105,106,107 - Experiences

I firmly believe that life is about experiences and creating memories. When all is said and done, your life essentially IS the sum of those experiences and memories you have gathered over the years. It is not the sum total of the possessions you own but rather the cumulative total of all the things you have seen and done. And that includes the good ones and the not-so-good ones equally. 

A huge part of these experiences and memories for me is the people that you choose to do these things with. The greatest experiences that I can look back on combine these elements of not just "what" but "who". After all it is other people and our interactions with them which drive most of our day-to-day lives. Whether it is people you work with, people you spend time with or people you glimpse into the lives of (both fictional and non-fictional). 

I can be personally guilty of being very insular and particular isolated sometimes. I'm not going to lie, some days I don't want to see another single human being. It is not necessarily because I don't like other people but simply that occasionally it is OK to do things on your own. 

However this lockdown, coupled with the remoteness from the people I love, is reminding me more and more to take advantage of opportunities to do things with those people who mean the most to me. Say yes more often than not, even if the thing you are saying yes to might not have been on your radar initially. 

And also be aware that it is not always the same person (or set of people) who make the experiences special. Sure you might do the majority of things with a particular person but everyone needs space and time to make their experiences and memories in the way that feels right to them. So it is important to find a group of people you can trust, and who can add to your experiences in different ways. Sort of like "horses for courses" but with people 'I guess!

Every day gives us the opportunity to enrich our lives and to add another "notch" to the belt of life experiences. Even in these very difficult times. And the things that we can't do now, start working out how to make them happen - and who you wanna drag along for the adventure.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 102,103,104 - Building

"Success breeds success" they say. In cricketing parlance fielding teams tend to say "one brings two" - meaning of course, get one batsmen out and you might have a good chance at getting another one. It basically means that it is important to build on good things, good days, good experiences - use them as a catalyst for pushing onto the next good thing.

One of the things that has been so tough about this lockdown is building positive momentum. When you are confined to four walls (with a few exceptions) it can be difficult to continue being positive about things and to use previous successes to fuel others.

But not impossible. I think the key thing I'm starting to learn about this lockdown is how important it is to be flexible - but also to be resilient if things don't go your way. You can't always have the opportunities to build positive momentum, but that doesn't mean success need to be isolated. If you can learn to take positive energy when you generate it and find a way to channel it (not always in the same direction) then you a good distance along the way of surviving this lockdown - not only intact but in a better position than where you started.

It makes sense when you think about it. A really good gig gets you buzzing and in the mood for another one. A great meal always seems to leave you wanting more no matter how full you are. And there is no better way to get over the end of a holiday or a trip than to get planning another one. I am sure this is some psychological or neurochemical effect within the brain that explains fully this relationship between doing something fun and suddenly wanting nothing more than to keep doing it. But I'll leave that to the professionals! 

All I know is that when you get that urge and/or that intense enthusiasm and desire to do something then it is your brain giving you some fantastic advice. "That was brilliant, let's do that again soon". And who am I to argue with my brain on something so important? the key is to make sure you find multiple angles, multiple different ways to channel that energy. That way, if your first plan isn't available then you can always have back-up which means that great, positive momentum isn't wasted.

Till tomorrow,
Tom

Days 100/101 - The next 100

So yesterday completed my first 100 days of my great adventure. I can safely so that no-one out there  would have seen it panning out the way it has when I finally agreed to it about 9 months ago. It is also pretty safe to say that even after I got here and started to settle in, it has definitely taken a turn for the worse.

Looking Forward

But this year was always supposed to be a positive so instead of looking back and reminiscing about the first 100 days, I want to look ahead to the next 100 - and set myself some goals. 

A lot of these are obviously pretty dependent on the lockdown being lifted and life returning to normal, but not all of them. Some are ambitious and may take the rest of the year, some should be quicker!

Get Katie over to visit

Do a skydive

Learn at least three songs on the banjo without needing to refer to the music

Join a martial arts group

Complete another 10km

Drop another 2 stone

Learn one song on the drums well enough to play along

Have a half-decent conversation in Spanish with someone

Go on a date (I'd even take an unsuccessful one!)

It's all about looking to the future, setting goals and working towards achieving them. If you look forward to what is to come, and set good targets, then it can really help you to work through those crappier times and take the positives out of things.

I'll keep you updated on progress, and let me know what else needs to be on the above list. Anything will be considered, provided it is legal of course!!

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Day 98,99 - Inspiration

This virus and the related lockdowns are throwing the human condition into sharp relief. 

Humans are the most unbelievably complex and varied species on the planet, if not in existence. We are present in almost every form you can imagine. Some are inspirational, others insipid. Some will move heaven and earth for others, others not so much. Some give uncontrollably, others are parasitic. Some have nothing but selfish desires, others are empathic to the point of giving their own happiness for another. Some care nothing for the future, others strive to make it better. 

The biggest frustration is that we should all be capable of the greatest of things. Every single one of us theoretically has the potential to be the inspiration, the spark, the catalyst. Yet some choose the easy path, or choose to hide behind others, or twist circumstances and people to suit their own ends. 

I did use to believe that this potential to be an inspiration was within everyone, given the right prompts. Now I am not so sure. Just watching how the biggest health scare in our generation has quickly turned into yet another bout of political point scoring and "me first" mentalities sickens me.

This was the chance to be our generation's "moment", that one thing that brings the world together to fight for each other. The first time that a common enemy could be identified and we could work as a whole for the benefit of all mankind. Our "alien invasion scenario" if you were.

Instead within a few weeks we had people buying more supplies they could ever need, not thinking for one second about others. We have politicians manoeuvring for position, the rich looking for excuses not to share. We have people who's first instinct should be "what can I do to help" instead hiding away and saying "oh that's too much trouble for me". We have people who can't put aside prejudice and hate to come together for a common cause.

It abhors me, and it should you too. The aliens wouldn't even have to try, we destroy ourselves.

But it doesn't have to be that way. The world will continue to turn, but differently from before. We should try to be a part of the the solution, instead of just living in our own bubble and not giving a shit about who is suffering from our actions (or inactions). I'm just as guilty, don't think this isn't directed at me as well. I know I haven't done enough, though I am trying.

So this is my plea to myself, and to others who are inclined to care.
(For the rest, I have little more to say).

Be bold, be courageous, be an inspiration. If you have the will, it gets you a long way there. And sometimes we don't realise what can be achieved until we see other people achieve it. 

Accept the inspiration and try to pass that on. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, or anything big or expensive. It can be the simplest of things, but try to do something. You only have to keep the bucket moving, not carry the load yourself. We are capable of so much when we work together, when we put our petty desires aside and simply strive to be better. 

It is not always easy, or even obvious a lot of the time, but these moments cross our paths more frequently than realise. Take one, and run with it. 

Till tomorrow,

DT

Day 97 - A simpler time

So this week or so has been difficult. This is never an easy time of year, bad memories come thick and fast - too many, "what ifs" and "what could have beens".

I always seem to do the same thing when life gets like this, regress to what I suppose you would say is a simpler time. Being a kid really was very easy, I just wished I'd realised it back then. We spend a large part of our youth wishing to be older, then when we get older we begin to understand what it was that got wished away!

Just flicking through the TV planner here in the apartment I found something which perfectly exemplifies what I am talking about, the movie Chariots of Fire. Now if you've never seen it, you seriously need to go watch it. No special effects, no tricks, but quite simply one of the most inspirational and uplifting movies ever made (with possibly the most iconic opening theme in history). This was not a movie that needed to blow things up or convolute the plot to tie us in knots. It was simple, raw and, frankly, a million times better than anything we see today. Without the shortcuts afforded by modern technology this was how things used to be, you had no choice but to do it right. Simple. Beautiful. Evocative.

And it means a lot to me. I remember watching it with my folks at least a couple of times, great memories of childhood which mean so much this time of year. Plus, the opening scene is filmed on the West Sands at St. Andrews, a place that most of you know holds a very special place in my heart and my life. I'm not going to say it is where I was at my happiest, because that does disservice to the rest of my life (plus everyone knows my happiest times are always with Katie) but it was a period of my life that I often find myself yearning for in times of difficulty. Oh if I could go back to those days now, with everything I know today, the world would be there for the taking!

I guess it is no surprise that when things get a bit overwhelming, emotional or complicated in life that people look for those calmer times. As I mentioned before, my default "protective" position is a regression back to when things were simpler in my life. I don't know why it is, I just feel more comfortable when I am reminiscing about how things used to be. Is that healthy? Probably not in all honesty, but I think as long as you temper it with a healthy dose of realism (the world ISN'T going to go back to how it was) I don't think there is huge harm in it.

Sometimes it also helps to re-trigger something. Maybe a long-forgotten dream or an idea that was lost in the ascension to adulthood. Maybe something as simple as reminding oneself how far that person from all those years ago has come. 

Often though it just helps to reset, to remind yourself of how simple things used to be - because in all fairness there is no reason they need to be so complicated now just because we are older and supposedly wiser!

So take that look back through time, remind yourself of how simpler times were, and see if you can do something about making today that little bit less complex and painful. A healthy dose of nostalgia can go a long way.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Day 96 - Novelty worn off

This video pretty much sums up the current feeling. It's better than keeping everything inside though, and then weekend is fast approaching. Time for a relax, a destress and a rethink of priorities. 

Stay safe folks, and look after each other 🙂

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 92 to 95 - Beauty and the Beast

I'll be honest, this week has sucked. 

It's just been one of those weeks where every little thing seems to be pushing my buttons. Age is obviously just a number (and your mentality plays a huge part in what that number means) but I can't deny that turning 40 is starting to make me take stock of where my life is and where I am going. And it hasn't always been pretty reading. 

Sometimes this beast which lurks amongst all of us is given too much to feed off. Too. much negativity, too much regret.

I often wonder whether I've fully taken advantages of the opportunities I've been given, have I fully challenged myself to be the best I can? Some days the answer is yes, others it is a resounding no. There is definitely a sense of frustration that all of us feel about sometimes wishing we could go back in time and do things differently, knowing what we know now. 

But on the flip side, everything in my life has gotten me to Katie - to being a daddy. That is the most beautiful thing in my life, and something which I am striving to find elsewhere too.

I read an article some 6 years ago on the BBC News website talking about the relationship between mathematics and beauty (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-26151062). It talks generally about the fact that seeing certain mathematical functions and expressions can elicit similar brain functions to looking at artistic masterpieces. Back then it got me thinking about the notion of beauty and things that are beautiful - and it resonates today still with me.

The BBC article mentions one equation in particular - Euler's identity - which perfectly relates five of the most fundamental mathematical constants (0, 1 e, i and π) and three of the basic arithmetic operations (addition, multiplication and exponentiation.

Euler's Famous Identity

I remember the first time I ever understood the dichotomy of this. The contrast of fundamental mathematical and practical simplicity alongside the less tangible sense of wonder and beauty that comes with finding something so perfect, so pure. It triggers curiosity, and curiosity can be a wonderful way to find what you are looking for.  

THAT is what beauty in this world is about. It is about seeing, hearing, touching, tasting or smelling something which elicits pure, raw emotions. Beautiful things stop you in your tracks, they fundamentally change the way you think about things and they make you smile. It is not a superficial thing at all but a much more primal and instinctive reaction.

One of the best things about this world is how much there is out there which has the potential to do those things to us. We shouldn't be striving for possessions or power but rather searching for those moments, those sensations of awe and wonder which we all have the capacity to feel. They don't cost anything to feel and they transcend all barriers. 

And beauty is different for every single one of us, that is what make life so interesting and so full of variety. So get out there and keep your senses open. Don't close your mind to anything and just be alert for those moments that take your breath away, they can come in so many different forms. And when they do come, appreciate them for everything they are. It is better than listening to the beast which lurks there too.

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 88,89,90 - A hodgepodge

Been an interesting last two/three days - I guess you could describe it as a combination of the old and the new.

For some reason Facebook has been high on the memories this last week or so. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think it is important sometimes not to distort memories too much by looking at them through the larger magnifying glass of life. 

I still get regular items pop up from the last 5 years with Natalie, and to be honest with the years before with other Natalie. I try to look at them in isolation, remember the happy time that came with the good memory, rather than ignore or suppress them because of what came later. For example, last year we had so many cool moments from our trip to Cyprus - and they remain moments that I'll cherish. Because they should. 

And Katie showed me a picture today that she's just had put in a frame of a wedding the three of us went to a few years ago now. I love that she is still able to look back on that evening with love and affection. I love that she is able to just take those moments of happiness in isolation and remember the positives about them. 

You shouldn't look back at your life and retrospectively review events because things didn't end the way you wanted. You shouldn't feel like you have to remember something differently because of what happened later. Live the moment, in the moment. Or maybe what I'm saying is I feel lucky that I don't have to do that.

But a part of looking back at old memories is trying to forge new ones, not easy in these uncertain times for sure. Finding new hobbies, new "obsessions", new loves is always important for keeping things fresh. I managed to find myself a couple of new TV shows to keep me entertained, not to mention a new book series or two. Plus you can see the (limited) progress I'm making on the banjo below!

All-in-all I just think it is so important to take the good from what has been, and try to forge the best future you can. And if you don't give something a whirl, you'll never know what you don't know. If you do make a mistake or go down a path you realise you shouldn't, hey you can usually rescue it before you go too far! 

Till tomorrow,

Tom

ps- how about last night's storm eh? 

Days 86,87 - Feeling it

This week is the first week were it is starting to feel a bit like I'm trapped. I know it is  now week three of working from home but for some reason this week is the one where I'm starting to get itchy feet about how long we are going to be inside. 

It is a combination of things really. Normally this time of the year is when the cricket and golf seasons start and I'm generally found outside most weekends, if not during the week as well. The fact that Katie was supposed to be here this week is also adding to it. I had so much good stuff planned and it sucks watching it all pass us by.

Still, you've got to try and take the positives where you can. Plus it is not one of those situations that can really be affected too much by what you do - at least I think you can only make it worse with inertia, you can't really influence that much the other way. 

So this week has been spent, as most of the ones before really, trying new things and generally doing my best to take advantage of the cards I've been dealt. They aren't amazing cards, but I'll admit that they are probably better than most other people's and I don't have that much of a cause to complain in the grand scheme of things.

Today marked my first proper day having a whack on my new drum kit. I mean I had a wee play over the weekend but I actually started watching the lessons that I signed up for today. Tried a few action shots but unfortunately the angle doesn't do great justice to my (slightly) reduced figure these days!! However, I wanted to get one action shot in so there you go.

In the Music Corner

Also found a spot for Winterfell and The Red Keep in the apartment. Day by day it is feeling more and more like my place and not just somewhere I am in for a year. Obviously once the restrictions are relaxed and I can get out and meet a few more people it'll feel even more like my new home - and I can see myself living here longer if Katie doesn't mind. I've certainly got enough people wanting to visit (including her!) so I wouldn't be too surprised to find me this side of the pond for a wee while yet.

Pride of Place

I hope everything is good with you all back home. I know it is difficult and there has been unprecedented change and challenges over the last few months. Just remember those people that get you through those difficult times, those are the ones to hold onto. 

The world can, and does change, in a heartbeat. Don't take for granted anything, embrace every single moment that you can and hold dear that which you care about. 

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Days 83,84&85 - Long Weekend

Long weekend just about coming to a close. Was supposed to be my first weekend with Katie so sucks quite a bit that it isn't. Actually sucks a lot. Had loads of cool stuff planned, most of which we can do if she gets over later in the year but not all :-( Plus when I came over, with everything that had happened, the light in the distance keeping me going forward was her visit. It is hard, very hard, to not have had that light for the last few weeks. 

However I've managed to fill the void with lots of ridiculously unnecessary purchases! Including some that will stretch my skills (and maybe patience) to breaking point. Still, it is much harder to better yourself if you don't challenge yourself. It is much easier to rediscover yourself and get to the real heart of things if you are giving yourself opportunities to grow and develop. 

It is still difficult seeing the way things are developing back home and just having to watch (especially when people you care about are really struggling with aspects of it). But you have to have faith and trust that people will do what is necessary, even if hard.

First day on the drum kit was a relative success, until I had to involve my feet. Then it was like an octopus trying to cook a paella blindfolded after a bottle of gin. Limbs everywhere, no rhythm and absolutely zero style. Good job it is electronic otherwise downstairs would have heard the sound of collapsing structures in their ears for weeks. It's all a process though, you don't improve without practising and you don't succeed without some failures along the way. It is learning from those things that don't go your way that is important.

Music Corner - where the magic may happen

Banjo was more successful - once I got it tuned. One evening of practice and I can now play (very roughly and with occasional mis-steps) both Ode to Joy and Auld Lang Syne. Once I feel comfortable enough I may even treat you to a rendition - just promise not to laugh at my concentrating face!! Once my keyboard arrives in a few weeks I may be 50%+ of the way to my own bluegrass band.

Bits of The Red Keep

The floor of my apartment is also a jumbled mess of jigsaw pieces as I try to assemble The Red Keep to join Winterfell. It's a bit easier as not everything is grey (and less of it is red than I expected) but it is still a challenge trying to slot everything together and make it all stand up!.

Add on to that the daily Spanish lessons and the ongoing books/games etc. and it's no wonder the time flies past. Hopefully it'll fly to such an extent that it only feels like days between now and when Katie finally touches down on US soil.

A place for contemplation - and the weather for it!

In other news, does anyone know how much a horse costs? Asking for a friend!

Till tomorrow,

Tom