Days 135 to 176 (I think) - Letting things out

I wrote the entire post below before in one go, then went away for an hour to do some chores. I came back and re-read it, and some of it seems a bit petty. But I am going to leave it here. I think it is cathartic and I think it is important to note that getting these things out helps. Plus a lot my frustrations don't become less valid on a re-read.

I don't expect sympathy, I don't expect empathy, I don't expect anything. It is what it is. Life is tough right now, but there are ways to make it easier. Ups and downs go together, are flatlines are generally a bad thing.

Till next time (hopefully soon),

Tom

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So much for daily, or even semi-regularly posts. 

The truth is my voice has been lost. 

I was hoping to show you the delights of the South, whilst giving myself an outlet for any creativity that might arrive. I also hoped to be travelling the country, as well as entertaining whichever visitors felt like stopping by. And I had so many plans for daddy-daughter time.

Even though we've been let out a bit more here in Baton Rouge, its still nothing like it was before. Most things of interest are closed and there is only so many food posts, drum posts and posts from inside breweries I can do. Plus, with the spiking cases I expect a regression in the next few weeks.

And my desire to write about other things is at rock bottom. 

I feel like I've said all I dare to say most of the time. This trip was started amongst the wreckage of my life and I have tried so so hard to remain positive, despite everything. There are good days, and there are excruciating days, when even getting out of bed feels like a loaded decision. It's harder and harder to write blogs without the negativity creeping in. But the safety valve needs to go off, I feel like it is a daily battle to keep under control. I want Katie to have a positive role model, but I also want her to understand that life isn't always easy - and it is frequently unfair. You need that balance.

A big problem is that it all seems so petty compared to what other people are going through in the world. And I'm aware that my demographic (white, male, straight) has comfortably the least to be complaining about. But that doesn't stop it being real, it doesn't stop my problems being valid. I know they are small when held against the framework of the world - but they still fucking exist. They still drive me slowly towards complete insanity, so they still need to be voiced.

So this post is the result. 

Missing Katie is a huge part of it, watching as her life changes almost daily and being so far away. Parenting from a distance is the hardest thing ever, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be essentially redundant far earlier than I expected to be! I'm missing everything, and it hurts. 

It hurts more seeing other people who don't have to function like this - but don't realise how lucky they are to have the people they love so close. It feels like a slap in the face. I try so hard not to get angry, to try to empathise with what other people are going through. But it is hard. Those who don't want to make sacrifices shouldn't reap the benefits. 

The one thing about this trip that was always in the back of my mind, even before it became obvious I was coming over here single, was that at least home was close. Worst case, I could always be where I needed to be. Plus I'd have plenty here to keep me entertained on those days when the difficulties came to the boil. 

But it is systematically being taken, piece-by-piece, day-by-day.

My dad had to go home early, I've not hugged Katie for over 6 months, I've done zero travelling (and barely seen BR itself). 

I was so looking forward to Katie's birthday, I even dragged myself up at 2am to see her open her presents. But in amongst a zoo of other people I didn't manage to snatch more than maybe 10-15 minutes with her. Maybe 2 of which were at full concentration. I suspect it would be little different at home now that she's 12, but at least we'd be in the same room.

Father's Day was similar, something else I was planning to be around for taken away. For someone in my situation Father's Day means a lot to me. At the end of the day, I've already missed 6 years of Katie's life, and it won't be long before she doesn't need me anymore. So I treasure every single one. And I wasn't there. 

Even non-personal things like St. Patrick's Day, 4th July etc. have been ruined. Opportunities to get out, experience this country, meet people and begin to rebuild this phase of my life are just not available. Slowly, methodically, every reason why being here would be tolerable is being stripped away.

My birthday is in 10 days and I think a part of this melancholic introspection is coming from that. I turn 40 and (though age is just a number) humans are unavoidably drawn towards milestones (even those derived purely arbitrarily by ourselves). You don't see many "Happy 39th" cards around. When we as a society make a big deal of it, it becomes a big deal.

And you can't help but take stock and look back - especially when you have so much time to yourself. What did I imagine my life to be like at 40, and it is close? I had no life plan really, so it is hard to say it hasn't gone to plan! Bits are great, bits are awful. 

But you really do to start to second-guess yourself. 

Obviously I'm doing something wrong when it comes to certain things, otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I am in - trying to put the pieces back together again without any real idea of what the jigsaw looks like. What did I do so wrong that left things the way they sit today? What about me is it that I'm sat here on my own questioning where I slipped up? 

I try every day to be a good person (and I know I haven't always managed this) but sometimes I wonder why I bother. Sometimes this world seems to reward those who just take what they want, those who just pretend to care about others. I appreciate people's priorities don't line up with mine all the time, but basic human decency should be on everyone's list. I look around at where I am and sometimes wonder if I'd be better off with that attitude. 

But that is not the right attitude. The world is close to anarchy, close to the edge. And that kind of selfish thinking has gotten us here, and won't get us out of this mess. 

So we go on. We grind against the unfairness of life, the karmic imbalance that seems to reward the wrong behaviour. And we look for the positives, the rays of sunlight, the moments to cherish. They are there, they just need some finding sometimes.

Exercising my democratic right

So today was postal vote day here in the Owens household. As a member of a democratic society with free elections and at least some choice on who I vote for, it would be remiss of me to complain too much. But I will have a little bit of gripe though!

It is fair to say today's options felt pretty limited when staring at the paper. Having Huey, Dewey and Louie as my top three options would have probably given me more confidence than the shower being presented for perusal today. The European election list was even worse, with 11 options to choose from including 7 various forms of "Take the UK out of Europe" and a Pirate Party!

Unfortunately the situation I find myself in is that I just don't have any faith that those who want to run the country actually have any idea HOW to run the country should they be given that chance. Now I appreciate that I am generalising here but I'm afraid it all drags me back somewhat to Douglas Adams' famous quote regarding the Presidency of the Universe, "Anyone who is capable of getting themselves elected President should on no account be allowed to do the job".

The problem for me comes from the fact that there appears to be a massive disconnect here between wanting to run the country for the good of the country and wanting to run the country because you get loads of perks for being an MP and it looks like jolly good fun. And I suspect that most of those who have the "big" roles are fully aware that nothing ever happens in Government except trying to make the last lot look bad.

It is a real travesty that in the Western developed world we have a system that allows people to have some say in who is in charge, only for our options to represent Moe, Larry and Curly (and not in a good way). There are some people in this world who will NEVER experience true freedom of choice, never experience democracy - even though the form which we see feels slightly stunted sometimes!

But despite all of this, in fact BECAUSE of this it is still vitally important to vote. Freedom can disappear in an instant, and even a freedom that isn't quite as far-reaching as we would hope is surely better than none at all. Not everyone is afforded the luxury of having a say in how their lives are run, we are lucky that we have the option of Moe, Larry and Curly - others are stuck with what they are given.

Till next time,
DT

Closure and Justice for the 96

25 years ago today, 96 football fans who went to watch their beloved team didn't come home. I do not care who you are, who you support or where your loyalties lie - please just take a moment to reflect on that tragic fact. Thousands of us do things every day that we enjoy. All these people were doing was something they loved and they never saw another sunrise. It hits home particularly to me because my dad and I did that exact same thing that day, we went to watch our beloved team play. We came home, 96 didn't.

It is a shocking and stark reminder that life is unpredictable and oh so fleeting. None of us know what is in store tomorrow and it should never be taken for granted. If you love someone, tell them. You never know when the opportunity to tell them is gone forever, for it can be taken at a moment's notice.

There is an old saying "there is plenty of time to rest when you are dead". I don't mean this in a morbid, depressing way but more to try and inspire people to grasp life and make of it everything you can, while you can. If you want to do something, find a way to do it.

Even worse, if that is possible, than seeing their loved ones perish watching a simple game of football is the heartache and torture the countless thousands of family and friends have had to endure. For a quarter of a century they have been denied the truth and the closure that should be the right of all human beings. They have been told that their loved ones died as the result of an unavoidable accident (amongst other worse accusations) whilst all they wanted to hear was the truth and for someone to say "I am sorry".

The fact of the matter is that no-one meant for those people to die that fateful day in Sheffield. But when truth is denied and hidden for so long from those who have a right to know, that is the greatest of betrayals. The tragedy brought out some of the worst character traits of humans, as well as some of the best. The heartfelt and genuine outpouring of grief and shock which reverberated around the country was often outweighed by more devious and despicable behaviours.

Misinformation, blatant lies and cover-ups have created what we see today - the still ongoing fight for justice, for the truth. It could all have been so different had responsibility been taken by those who were obliged to take it. Mistakes were made, that is forgiveable. But only if those mistakes are acknowledged and we are able to take them and learn from them.

The disgusting fact is that 25 years later those families and friends are still looking for justice and for closure, and it has been denied them because other people sought to save their skin and apportion blame instead of taking responsibility. We claim to be a civilised society, but we cannot possibly be so whilst this type of thing is going on. Betrayal, lies and broken trust - these must all stop if we are to progress and grow.

So regardless of the colour and strength of our loyalties, today we must remember those who died needlessly and we should support their loved ones campaign for the peace and closure they deserve.

Justice for the 96.
Thank you.
Tom

Making the same mistakes over again

I was looking through some of my photos from previous trips abroad earlier on and found a few which sparked some interesting thoughts. They were from Auschwitz, and if you have never been then it is somewhere you must go. It is a haunting place and a frightening reminder of what humanity can do to itself. Everyone has to visit, for no other reason than to make sure the terrible events are not forgotten. But it is not the first time a systematic genocide has taken place, nor indeed was it the last. 

George Santayana once said, "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it", yet humanity does not heed his warning. And that may be the greatest crime of them all, we have such short memories and a terrible sense of responsibility. War, genocide and mass murder don't happen naturally - they can only happen due to the actions (and sometimes inaction) of human beings. We, as a species, are in control yet we do not seem to realise that fact.

We refuse to learn the lessons of the past, we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. The cycle simply continues from one conflict to the next, each humanitarian crisis follows the last and someone somewhere is always waging war. Human beings cannot help ourselves it seems, we always want what we cannot have and we seem unable to stop this happening!

Why do we let this happen? What is it in the human psyche that seemingly condemns us to an inability to learn from our mistakes. There is a line in Eric Bogle's emotional song about the Gallipoli Campaign during World War I where he describes a lull in the fighting. "We buried our dead and the Turks buried there's. Then we started all over again." 

It perfectly sums up the unbelievable stupidity of it all. What is the point of it all? There is seemingly no end, no respite from the horrors of how human beings treat each other. We have everything we need on this planet to live in peace, harmony and safety. Yet we don't. We exterminate each other and we NEVER LEARN. I do not know how to change it, but we cannot continue like this. Somehow, soon, humans must begin to learn from our mistakes, lest we be condemned to repeat them again.

I decided against the usual daily "fun and games" on the blog today. Instead I'll leave you with the first half of the quote on the plaque at Auschwitz. 

"For ever let this place be a cry of despair and a warning to humanity".

Till tomorrow,

DT

How easy do you want it?!?

Yesterday was pancake day. I missed it. Mainly as I had a dentist appointment and my mouth tasted strongly of blood but also because I forgot. Neither of those points are in any way relevant to the topic of this blog but I thought I'd share them with you anyway. I am nice like that.

What IS the topic of today's blog I hear you ask? Well, human laziness basically. To my relatively untrained eye, pancake batter consists of eggs, flour and milk. But apparently you can now buy a special "pancake mix" from the supermarket which just requires you to add milk. In other words, they have kindly mixed together the eggs and flour for you, as we all know that is unbelievably tricky to get right and is a real time-consumer. You have to be kidding me!?

Have we got so lazy that we are now expecting more and more things to be done on our behalf? Did you know for example that there are kids over in Japan and China whose job it is to play computer games all day? But not for their own benefit, rather it is for yours. They will play 8-10 hours per day (sometimes more) essentially "levelling up" your characters for you so you don't have to bother doing it. Now, call me crazy, but doesn't that defeat the point of playing the game yourself?

And what about this "JD and coke in a can"? Is it so difficult now to take some JD and add your own coke to it? We use the "lack of time" excuse to justify some of the laziest and most bizarre behaviour imaginable. I appreciate that some things need to be delegated in a busy life but surely people have to draw the line somewhere.

It seems that we won't even take the time to mix our own eggs and flour together, so what chance do we have of actually undertaking anything which involves either time and effort. It is no surprise that we are turning into a short-term obsessed, obese society here in the "developed" world.

So please don't take the easy way out folks. Don't always look for the quick fix or the shortcut or the way around. Make the time to do some of these simple things. Often it is mere minutes out of your day and you may find that the enforced slow-down may actually help you to take stock and occasionally look at your life as it passes you by. There is pleasure to be taken from doing some of these things, don't miss out on it.

And mix your own pancake batter please.

Today's #randomfactoftheday - Only four of the 193 UN member states have never joined the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty; India, Pakistan, Israel and South Sudan. North Korea DID join at one point but have since left.

Today's #badjokeoftheday - BREAKING NEWS: David Blaine's record of 40 days in a box doing nothing has been broken by Fernando Torres.

Today's #websiteoftheday - Okay so I may be a teeny bit obsessed with this game. RULE THE WORLD, kind of (http://en.forgeofempires.com/?invitor_id=1687777&world_id=en3&ref=player_invite_link)

On this day; 1616, Nicolaus Copernicus's book De revolutionibus orbium coelestium is banned by the Catholic Church

Till next time,
DT

Striving for recognition

Well another Oscars has been and gone. Lavish parties, endless self promotion and a ridiculous "over-interest" in the clothing choices of the rich and famous is finished in Hollywood for another year. But what is this seeming obsession humans have for having to rate everything and anything? We seem to view so many things through eyes which compare, judge and rate.

Not a day goes by without articles appearing all over the place, telling us things like "what the best 10 hair care products are" or "20 different diets and their benefits". Manufacturers are always quick to point out when their products have won prizes; and book covers, DVD sleeves and cinema posters are replete with
awards, positive quotes and even nominations for awards that won't even end up being won.

I do understand that it is nice to have your work appreciated and lauded, but the obsession with lists and awards and prizes seems bizarre and possibly counter-productive. But it seems to me now that a lot of what is done in certain industries (like making a film or a product) is done with the singular intention of winning an award or getting on a list or getting someone "important" to give you a positive review.

Surely prizes and the like are simply the by-products of doing something well in the first place, not the driving force? If you make a great film which tells a story well and gets people's attention then the recognition will come? Yet it does seem sometimes that gaining the recognition becomes the obsession and therefore the quality of what you are doing often suffers because you aren't dedicated to the process, but rather the result.

I wish certain industries, particularly the entertainment ones but there are others, would get back to concentrating on the process. I wish they would get back to worrying about making something that they themselves are passionate about, proud of and excited about. If you do that then, to be perfectly frank, it shouldn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

Today's #randomfactoftheday - The tallest building in the European Union is The Shard in London which tops out at 306m. This makes it the joint 75th tallest building in the world

Today's #badjokeoftheday - Q: How you make a sugar puff? A: Chase it round the garden

Today's #websiteoftheday - Everything you've ever wanted to know about how to get Amiga games on your PC (http://www.amigaforever.com/emulator/)

On this day: 1938, "The Mallard" which holds the world record for the fastest ever steam locomotive is completed.

Till next time,
DT

You do what for a living?

It dawned on me today, during a moment of clarity in amongst the mayhem of my thoughts, just how many employment opportunities there out there that just don't seem to make any sense nor actually serve a purpose.

I'm an engineer by trade so I console myself at night with the thought that I at least contribute slightly to the betterment of the world by helping to make things we need. I admit that the things I help to make aren't absolutely 100% vital for the improvement of humankind as a species, but it is better than some.

Political spin doctors for example. Why do we need people who's job it is to tell you what the politician means when he/she speaks? Surely the politician can do that for himself, no? Simply by being a bit more honest? I guess it would also help if other people then didn't pick every single syllable uttered apart to try and determine some hidden meaning so we could kill two birds with one stone there.

Take all the doctors, teachers, garbage collectors and firemen (just some examples of course) out of the world and I imagine it would grind to a halt reasonably quickly (though I guess we could do without all those surgeons carrying out breast enlargements).

But is the world really going to suffer if one day people have to resort to buying their own clothes instead of getting someone to do it for them? Or how about people manage their own lives rather than rely on a "life coach" to talk them through it?! Part of the problem I suppose is that we have a world population spiralling out of control and there seems to be a need to keep everyone busy but the proliferation of jobs that seem to exist just because they can is bizarre.

And so many of the careers that are becoming more prevalent these days actually exist because people simply don't trust each other not to take advantage. For example, the only reason football agents exist is due to the fact that the players don't believe the club and the club doesn't believe the player. So they have to get everything written down and use about three go-betweens, all of whom take a nice handy chunk of cash for performing a function that we could happily do without if we just trusted each others word.

I appreciate that, as per usual, I am making some sweeping generalisations about what people do without making any attempt to understand why or how, but the general thrust of this blog still stands I think. The amount of money, time, resources and energy that could be diverted away from these roles and towards functions which can help to benefit society is staggering.

It is high time we started as a race to put aside mistrusts, greed and envy and begin to work together to face and overcome the challenges coming over the next few decades and centuries. And if the result of this is that I've got to work out for myself what so-and-so MP from wherever is saying then I'll take my chances.

Today's #randomfactoftheday - The Arctic Tern has the longest regular migration of any known animal. They average 44,300 miles per year!

Today's #badjokeoftheday -I tell this joke far too often but I love it. Q: What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? A: Doyouthinkhesaurus

Today's #websiteoftheday - The London Tube System, mapped accurately rather than a simple representation (http://www.london-tubemap.com/)

On this day: 1959, "The Day the Music Died" - The Big Bopper (28), Ritchie Valens (17), Buddy Holly (22) and pilot Roger Peterson (21) are killed in a plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.

Till next time,
DT

You have GOT to be kidding me!

So today a 9st, 5ft 7in mother of four from Nebraska ate 363 wings in 30 minutes to win Wing Bowl 22 and the $22k first prize. Her performance was described as "the greatest performance in Wing Bowl history". I actually don't know where to start with those statements, I really don't. I'm trying to work out which of the following appals me the most;

a) This is the 22nd ANNUAL version of this event - 22 years of eating crap for the sake of it
b) Assume each wing is ~50 calories. What does a 9st woman need with around 18,000 calories?!?
c) There are a substantial number of jobs in the US that don't pay $22k a YEAR
d) The local online news site in Philadelphia gave this "story" 700 words and a video
e) Eating is now a performance rather than a necessity to survive

Seriously though, what is wrong with this world? When did competitive eating become a good thing that deserves our time and attention? There are entire communities that could be fed on what was eaten today in this event yet it is treated like a game, a sport, something to be celebrated?!? You can tell this is making me angry because the punctuation is coming out in force.

But I really cannot believe that this kind of thing actually exists. Or maybe I can? Maybe it is symptomatic of the divide between rich and poor that engulfs this world. To us in the Developed World it doesn't seem wrong because we see food in a totally different light. It is not something we treat with the respect it deserves, because we have so much. Instead we essentially make sport out of it whilst turning a blind eye to the suffering of others.

This is another one of these blogs that I start off meaning well but lose my thread somehow. I know I should so something to help but I don't know what. There is something wrong in this world when food is eaten for fun yet also is in desperately short supply at the same time. So that is my plan this weekend, to try and find a practical way to help even a little bit to balance things.

A few things are for sure; I'll be giving wings a wide-berth and there will certainly be no prizes for gluttony awarded.

Today's #randomfactoftheday - St. Petersburg is the most northernmost city on the planet with a population over 1 million people.

Today's #badjokeoftheday - Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work

Today's #websiteoftheday - Live webcams from Chester Zoo, obviously much better during the day (http://www.chesterzoo.org/must-sees/web-cams/)

On this day: 1961, the first Hominidae (Great Ape) is launched into space - a chimp called "Ham"

Till next time,
DT

Giving journalism a bad name

The more I hear about the phone hacking trial/scandal currently going on the more exasperated I get. What is the obsession with celebrity lifestyles and, more importantly, when did it become acceptable to tap phones and dig for dirt, just to find something to sell their papers with?!

There are some fantastic journalists out there, and there is certainly no need to go looking for stories buried in famous people's lives. And yet a significant number of newspapers sold in this country contain almost nothing of value when it comes to the original intention of journalism.

The world is in significant strife and there simply aren't enough pages to devote the required words to those items which need to be discussed, reported and acted upon. The frivolous and simply pathetic "reporting" which is undertaken by these newspapers and the people who work at them has to be stopped.

The original function of newspapers is given away by the title really, they were papers that told you the news. They also serve an important role in society in providing a forum for ideas and discussion but at the heart of the matter should still be the reporting of the news. There is always a perspective to consider but never at the expense of the truth. Journalistic integrity is a fundamental principle that is in danger of becoming an oxymoron in the eyes of those looking in at the industry.

Yet now we have these people who's job it seems to be to find half-truths, rumours and suspicion and report this instead of concentrating on the fundamental purpose of journalism. It frustrates me so much that we, as a society in the West, have propagated this situation and allowed these so called "newspapers" to flourish. And these people are paid a fortune to contribute what?

Those who are now on trial have taken something which has the power to do so much good in the world and dragged it down to the basest level; making fun of people and prying into things that are not "in the public interest" at all but are simply sensationalist rubbish.

It is only by refusing to provide these people with the demand for what they supply that we can really be in a position to return journalism to what it should be, and in fact what it still is amongst a decent amount of the newspapers and magazines out there.

And in case anyone is worried about "restricting the freedom of the press" I would argue quite strongly that this is not what that law is all about. We are not restricting freedom but rather ending the intrusion of the gutter press and that is something what we should surely be striving to achieve. If we are able to do that then I believe that real journalism will then allowed to flourish and perform the function it was originally designed to do, report and comment on the news of the day.

Today's #randomfactoftheday - Michigan Stadium at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbour is the largest stadium in the USA. It holds 109,901 people. The town of Ann Arbour itself only has a population of 113,934

Today's #badjokeoftheday - Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field

Today's #websiteoftheday - How good is your geography? Prepare to get better! (http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq)

On this day: 1820 - Death of King George III - who's reign as monarch is still the longest of any King of GB or UK.

Till next time,
DT