I wrote the entire post below before in one go, then went away for an hour to do some chores. I came back and re-read it, and some of it seems a bit petty. But I am going to leave it here. I think it is cathartic and I think it is important to note that getting these things out helps. Plus a lot my frustrations don't become less valid on a re-read.
I don't expect sympathy, I don't expect empathy, I don't expect anything. It is what it is. Life is tough right now, but there are ways to make it easier. Ups and downs go together, are flatlines are generally a bad thing.
Till next time (hopefully soon),
Tom
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The truth is my voice has been lost.
I was hoping to show you the delights of the South, whilst giving myself an outlet for any creativity that might arrive. I also hoped to be travelling the country, as well as entertaining whichever visitors felt like stopping by. And I had so many plans for daddy-daughter time.
Even though we've been let out a bit more here in Baton Rouge, its still nothing like it was before. Most things of interest are closed and there is only so many food posts, drum posts and posts from inside breweries I can do. Plus, with the spiking cases I expect a regression in the next few weeks.
And my desire to write about other things is at rock bottom.
I feel like I've said all I dare to say most of the time. This trip was started amongst the wreckage of my life and I have tried so so hard to remain positive, despite everything. There are good days, and there are excruciating days, when even getting out of bed feels like a loaded decision. It's harder and harder to write blogs without the negativity creeping in. But the safety valve needs to go off, I feel like it is a daily battle to keep under control. I want Katie to have a positive role model, but I also want her to understand that life isn't always easy - and it is frequently unfair. You need that balance.
A big problem is that it all seems so petty compared to what other people are going through in the world. And I'm aware that my demographic (white, male, straight) has comfortably the least to be complaining about. But that doesn't stop it being real, it doesn't stop my problems being valid. I know they are small when held against the framework of the world - but they still fucking exist. They still drive me slowly towards complete insanity, so they still need to be voiced.
So this post is the result.
Missing Katie is a huge part of it, watching as her life changes almost daily and being so far away. Parenting from a distance is the hardest thing ever, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be essentially redundant far earlier than I expected to be! I'm missing everything, and it hurts.
It hurts more seeing other people who don't have to function like this - but don't realise how lucky they are to have the people they love so close. It feels like a slap in the face. I try so hard not to get angry, to try to empathise with what other people are going through. But it is hard. Those who don't want to make sacrifices shouldn't reap the benefits.
The one thing about this trip that was always in the back of my mind, even before it became obvious I was coming over here single, was that at least home was close. Worst case, I could always be where I needed to be. Plus I'd have plenty here to keep me entertained on those days when the difficulties came to the boil.
But it is systematically being taken, piece-by-piece, day-by-day.
My dad had to go home early, I've not hugged Katie for over 6 months, I've done zero travelling (and barely seen BR itself).
I was so looking forward to Katie's birthday, I even dragged myself up at 2am to see her open her presents. But in amongst a zoo of other people I didn't manage to snatch more than maybe 10-15 minutes with her. Maybe 2 of which were at full concentration. I suspect it would be little different at home now that she's 12, but at least we'd be in the same room.
Father's Day was similar, something else I was planning to be around for taken away. For someone in my situation Father's Day means a lot to me. At the end of the day, I've already missed 6 years of Katie's life, and it won't be long before she doesn't need me anymore. So I treasure every single one. And I wasn't there.
Even non-personal things like St. Patrick's Day, 4th July etc. have been ruined. Opportunities to get out, experience this country, meet people and begin to rebuild this phase of my life are just not available. Slowly, methodically, every reason why being here would be tolerable is being stripped away.
My birthday is in 10 days and I think a part of this melancholic introspection is coming from that. I turn 40 and (though age is just a number) humans are unavoidably drawn towards milestones (even those derived purely arbitrarily by ourselves). You don't see many "Happy 39th" cards around. When we as a society make a big deal of it, it becomes a big deal.
And you can't help but take stock and look back - especially when you have so much time to yourself. What did I imagine my life to be like at 40, and it is close? I had no life plan really, so it is hard to say it hasn't gone to plan! Bits are great, bits are awful.
But you really do to start to second-guess yourself.
Obviously I'm doing something wrong when it comes to certain things, otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I am in - trying to put the pieces back together again without any real idea of what the jigsaw looks like. What did I do so wrong that left things the way they sit today? What about me is it that I'm sat here on my own questioning where I slipped up?
I try every day to be a good person (and I know I haven't always managed this) but sometimes I wonder why I bother. Sometimes this world seems to reward those who just take what they want, those who just pretend to care about others. I appreciate people's priorities don't line up with mine all the time, but basic human decency should be on everyone's list. I look around at where I am and sometimes wonder if I'd be better off with that attitude.
But that is not the right attitude. The world is close to anarchy, close to the edge. And that kind of selfish thinking has gotten us here, and won't get us out of this mess.
So we go on. We grind against the unfairness of life, the karmic imbalance that seems to reward the wrong behaviour. And we look for the positives, the rays of sunlight, the moments to cherish. They are there, they just need some finding sometimes.
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