Day 177 - An unscripted ramble

Pretty simple one today. I haven't done a video blog for a while so here are some of my thoughts. There is little coherence, and I ramble a lot. But hey, you're welcome.

PART 1	PART 2
PART 3	PART 4

Oh and some photos of my room mate enjoying his trip!!

Too Cool

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Hitting the Skins

Till tomorrow,

Tom

Days 135 to 176 (I think) - Letting things out

I wrote the entire post below before in one go, then went away for an hour to do some chores. I came back and re-read it, and some of it seems a bit petty. But I am going to leave it here. I think it is cathartic and I think it is important to note that getting these things out helps. Plus a lot my frustrations don't become less valid on a re-read.

I don't expect sympathy, I don't expect empathy, I don't expect anything. It is what it is. Life is tough right now, but there are ways to make it easier. Ups and downs go together, are flatlines are generally a bad thing.

Till next time (hopefully soon),

Tom

***********************************************************************************

So much for daily, or even semi-regularly posts. 

The truth is my voice has been lost. 

I was hoping to show you the delights of the South, whilst giving myself an outlet for any creativity that might arrive. I also hoped to be travelling the country, as well as entertaining whichever visitors felt like stopping by. And I had so many plans for daddy-daughter time.

Even though we've been let out a bit more here in Baton Rouge, its still nothing like it was before. Most things of interest are closed and there is only so many food posts, drum posts and posts from inside breweries I can do. Plus, with the spiking cases I expect a regression in the next few weeks.

And my desire to write about other things is at rock bottom. 

I feel like I've said all I dare to say most of the time. This trip was started amongst the wreckage of my life and I have tried so so hard to remain positive, despite everything. There are good days, and there are excruciating days, when even getting out of bed feels like a loaded decision. It's harder and harder to write blogs without the negativity creeping in. But the safety valve needs to go off, I feel like it is a daily battle to keep under control. I want Katie to have a positive role model, but I also want her to understand that life isn't always easy - and it is frequently unfair. You need that balance.

A big problem is that it all seems so petty compared to what other people are going through in the world. And I'm aware that my demographic (white, male, straight) has comfortably the least to be complaining about. But that doesn't stop it being real, it doesn't stop my problems being valid. I know they are small when held against the framework of the world - but they still fucking exist. They still drive me slowly towards complete insanity, so they still need to be voiced.

So this post is the result. 

Missing Katie is a huge part of it, watching as her life changes almost daily and being so far away. Parenting from a distance is the hardest thing ever, and I'm terrified that I'm going to be essentially redundant far earlier than I expected to be! I'm missing everything, and it hurts. 

It hurts more seeing other people who don't have to function like this - but don't realise how lucky they are to have the people they love so close. It feels like a slap in the face. I try so hard not to get angry, to try to empathise with what other people are going through. But it is hard. Those who don't want to make sacrifices shouldn't reap the benefits. 

The one thing about this trip that was always in the back of my mind, even before it became obvious I was coming over here single, was that at least home was close. Worst case, I could always be where I needed to be. Plus I'd have plenty here to keep me entertained on those days when the difficulties came to the boil. 

But it is systematically being taken, piece-by-piece, day-by-day.

My dad had to go home early, I've not hugged Katie for over 6 months, I've done zero travelling (and barely seen BR itself). 

I was so looking forward to Katie's birthday, I even dragged myself up at 2am to see her open her presents. But in amongst a zoo of other people I didn't manage to snatch more than maybe 10-15 minutes with her. Maybe 2 of which were at full concentration. I suspect it would be little different at home now that she's 12, but at least we'd be in the same room.

Father's Day was similar, something else I was planning to be around for taken away. For someone in my situation Father's Day means a lot to me. At the end of the day, I've already missed 6 years of Katie's life, and it won't be long before she doesn't need me anymore. So I treasure every single one. And I wasn't there. 

Even non-personal things like St. Patrick's Day, 4th July etc. have been ruined. Opportunities to get out, experience this country, meet people and begin to rebuild this phase of my life are just not available. Slowly, methodically, every reason why being here would be tolerable is being stripped away.

My birthday is in 10 days and I think a part of this melancholic introspection is coming from that. I turn 40 and (though age is just a number) humans are unavoidably drawn towards milestones (even those derived purely arbitrarily by ourselves). You don't see many "Happy 39th" cards around. When we as a society make a big deal of it, it becomes a big deal.

And you can't help but take stock and look back - especially when you have so much time to yourself. What did I imagine my life to be like at 40, and it is close? I had no life plan really, so it is hard to say it hasn't gone to plan! Bits are great, bits are awful. 

But you really do to start to second-guess yourself. 

Obviously I'm doing something wrong when it comes to certain things, otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I am in - trying to put the pieces back together again without any real idea of what the jigsaw looks like. What did I do so wrong that left things the way they sit today? What about me is it that I'm sat here on my own questioning where I slipped up? 

I try every day to be a good person (and I know I haven't always managed this) but sometimes I wonder why I bother. Sometimes this world seems to reward those who just take what they want, those who just pretend to care about others. I appreciate people's priorities don't line up with mine all the time, but basic human decency should be on everyone's list. I look around at where I am and sometimes wonder if I'd be better off with that attitude. 

But that is not the right attitude. The world is close to anarchy, close to the edge. And that kind of selfish thinking has gotten us here, and won't get us out of this mess. 

So we go on. We grind against the unfairness of life, the karmic imbalance that seems to reward the wrong behaviour. And we look for the positives, the rays of sunlight, the moments to cherish. They are there, they just need some finding sometimes.

Days 128 to 134 - Another week

It's amazing how you can be busy the whole week, not have time to sit down and blog every night, and then come to write about the week's events and have literally NOTHING that seems relevant, important or interesting to say. And it has been a week in which we've have started to open up a bit here in Louisiana and begin the process of moving back towards the new normal - whatever that looks like. So it should have had things of interest to discuss.

The dichotomy between being busy but being unable to relate any of that to others is strange. I don't feel like I have the interest in telling you about what I've been up to, and for that reason I'm almost sure you don't have any interest in hearing! It's by no means terrible, but it just feels completely devoid of substance, shorn of any direction. It feels like motions being gone over, because that is what we do sometimes. We just grind the handle and the weeks go by.

And I certainly have plenty of things I want to be able to do one the lockdown is relaxed a bit more. But I don't think I can honestly look back on the last few months and say that I have made the best use of the time. I've not done nothing, in fact when I look at the list of things I've been up to it is actually quite full, but I just don't feel like any of it was of consequence. I just don't feel like any of it made a difference. 

I turn 40 this year and, unavoidably, milestones often find you looking back and taking stock of your life and your achievements. This last couple of years have obviously been very different and very difficult but even despite that I haven't managed to make as many positive changes and progressions as I would like. 

You can become acutely aware of things that you used to take for granted not being there anymore. And often you didn't even realise you had lost them. There are obvious ones, the biggies that cannot be avoided. But there are more subtle ones - friendships that you have neglected to the point where you can't remember the last time you physically saw people - hobbies or projects that you started so long ago that all they are now is a distant memory of a dream or passion you let drift. These hurt too, realising that you've missed out on experiences and memories that were often close enough to grasp, if you were just looking in the right place at the right time.

It can be disheartening, looking back on what you have done and realising that opportunities have been wasted - and in great number too. It can make it difficult to go again when you begin to question whether you have any relevance. 

Like all problems, an acknowledgement of things is step one - and I honestly know that this isn't some kind of bombshell that has dropped on me. I felt this for a while, but I've found great difficulty articulating it. And again, I don't lack for people to talk to, that isn't the problem. The problem is getting the balance right, between what you can do on your own and what you need some perspective for. 

We are often the worst at seeing our own lives through glasses with no bias, and some of us are notoriously bad at finding the right way to get that perspective and that balance. But the positive thing is that it is something you can control, something you can work on. 

There are things I miss, some beyond what you can comfortably ignore - and there probably always will be. But when I look around I know I am in a good place, and I know I have plenty of things going on in my life. It is just tapping into that and finding the right way to get passionate about these things again.

Hopefully as we move into the middle of the year I'll find a bit of mojo, get out and about a bit more and start to find that inner peace and sense of direction and purpose that has been lacking recently. 

Till tomorrow, Tom

Days 86,87 - Feeling it

This week is the first week were it is starting to feel a bit like I'm trapped. I know it is  now week three of working from home but for some reason this week is the one where I'm starting to get itchy feet about how long we are going to be inside. 

It is a combination of things really. Normally this time of the year is when the cricket and golf seasons start and I'm generally found outside most weekends, if not during the week as well. The fact that Katie was supposed to be here this week is also adding to it. I had so much good stuff planned and it sucks watching it all pass us by.

Still, you've got to try and take the positives where you can. Plus it is not one of those situations that can really be affected too much by what you do - at least I think you can only make it worse with inertia, you can't really influence that much the other way. 

So this week has been spent, as most of the ones before really, trying new things and generally doing my best to take advantage of the cards I've been dealt. They aren't amazing cards, but I'll admit that they are probably better than most other people's and I don't have that much of a cause to complain in the grand scheme of things.

Today marked my first proper day having a whack on my new drum kit. I mean I had a wee play over the weekend but I actually started watching the lessons that I signed up for today. Tried a few action shots but unfortunately the angle doesn't do great justice to my (slightly) reduced figure these days!! However, I wanted to get one action shot in so there you go.

In the Music Corner

Also found a spot for Winterfell and The Red Keep in the apartment. Day by day it is feeling more and more like my place and not just somewhere I am in for a year. Obviously once the restrictions are relaxed and I can get out and meet a few more people it'll feel even more like my new home - and I can see myself living here longer if Katie doesn't mind. I've certainly got enough people wanting to visit (including her!) so I wouldn't be too surprised to find me this side of the pond for a wee while yet.

Pride of Place

I hope everything is good with you all back home. I know it is difficult and there has been unprecedented change and challenges over the last few months. Just remember those people that get you through those difficult times, those are the ones to hold onto. 

The world can, and does change, in a heartbeat. Don't take for granted anything, embrace every single moment that you can and hold dear that which you care about. 

Till tomorrow,

Tom