It's obvious when you look back

20:20 hindisight. Everyone has it. The ability to look back on something and realise that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. Or the opposite, to look back and realise that in actual fact you should have done that when you had the chance. It's amazing how obvious things can seem after the event. To the point where you genuinely can't understand how you didn't spot it in the first place.

But, does 20:20 hindsight actually help though? Does it stop you making the same mistakes again and again? Because in the end that is the only real purpose it serves. It doesn't really help you fix what went wrong the last time, so all it can do is help you to not do the same thing again. Strange how often it doesn't do that though. It seems to be a moment of clarity amongst the fog of real life sometimes.

Since being diagnosed with bi-polar I've often found myself employing 20:20 hindsight with staggering clarity. Looking back it was all quite obvious really. Although it was suggested as a possible condition in the past it was never seriously explored. But why not I wonder? It explains such large chunks of my life.

It explains the fluctuating moods and, to some extent, the strange periods of behaviour. The frequent blocks of mania (some may say obsession) interspersed with those of being a seriously anti-social and (quite unpleasant at times) prat never seemed to fit but now I can see how they do. It becomes quite obvious looking at it from this side of time.

So does this clarity after the event help to prepare for the next event? Well at the moment it doesn't seem to unfortunately, which is kind of the point I was trying to get too here. I feel we don't really learn from our past experiences enough. I for one seem to be terrible at noticing signs and predicting what is coming.

The worst cases surrounded my bowel conditions which for a long time was one big cycle of; let it build up, realise it had got bad, suffer horrendously while it got fixed, promise never to let it get that bad again; and repeat. I know it drove people to despair and I know it pushed people away, why was I so unable to see the cycle?

Even now, despite me sitting here and saying that looking back I can now understand some of what happened to me and why, I can guarantee that there will be moments in the future when I just don't see things coming. Things I have seen before plenty of times and things which, when I get on the other side, will seem staggeringly obvious.

Is it just me? Probably not. But that doesn't stop it being any less frustrating. The key to mistakes and difficulties is to learn from them and make sure we don't end up in situations that we don't want to be in again. It is getting better, I am starting to learn a bit each time I go through a down-cycle. But I'm a long way from converting that perfect hindsight into 20:20 foresight.

Till next time,
DT