I'm not sure how this works, but I seem to be at once both physically exhausted and mentally invigorated. I can barely sleep more than two or three hours a night but I am chock full of ideas for stories, new challenges, fundraising concepts and numerous other things that I am not 100% sure are actually my thoughts. It is a classic chicken and egg; am I tired because I am mentally overworking myself or is my mind on overdrive to compensate for the physical exhaustion. And why can't the two parts get together and agree some kind of ceasefire?!
The more physically drained I get the more impossible it seems to be to turn my brain off. I have seriously cut down on my late-day caffeine intake yet I seemed more wired than ever. My evenings are much less "thought intensive" yet I seem to be more occupied with things than I was before. I've restarted exercising but all that is doing is energizing my brain completely (my body is essentially a write off so no real change there!)
It is just very very bizarre. They did say it might be a function of my multiple conditions but I'm marginally confused by exactly the effect it is having on things. In some respects it is great as I'm at an all-time high in productivity levels (both outside and inside work). I've redoubled my efforts to get these kids books off the ground and I'm finding my creative ideas are bouncing around like crazy in my head.
But it is shattering. It then becomes a touch frustrating because I know I am exhausted but I don't sleep. I guess part of it is sub-concious as I know there is a big decision coming up medically and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't at least partly on my mind. How do people manage like this, is is just something that you become accustomed to and it eventually becomes the norm!?
It is probably a good job I've managed to find some outlets as I can imagine this causing me to burst if it didn't. I now kind of understand why I used to "blow up" needlessly in the past sometimes. I'm putting it down to the fact that I had all this mentally and nervous energy and somehow wasn't able to find the right outlets for it, even if they are just a silly blog and some short stories that have a very small change of seeing the light of day!!
It is an exciting, invigorating and sometimes overwhelming existence but it could be worse. Things could always be worse so I'll take my chances with this for now thanks.
Till next time,
DT
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