Crunch time

My wires are due to come out Tuesday. From a logistical point of view, I can't say I am going to miss them. I haven't been able to have a proper wash/shower in nearly two weeks and it really has put a dampener on my training regimes and exercise opportunities.

But I'm also worried about it coming out. It has been a security blanket to me in some ways, a kind of reminder that they are trying to fix my problem and that something positive is happening. When it comes out there will be a period of time whilst a decision is made on what to do next, and I'll confess that I am worried about what the future does hold. Right now I feel relaxed but for some reason the future is terrifying me!

I've tried to be positive this year about things, and I would say from my own introspective viewpoint that I have done a reasonable job of doing so. But this is approaching crunch time and the old worries are starting to swim around in the back of my mind, lurking. They are nowhere near as intrusive as they have been in the past, to the point of scaring me so much that I maybe didn't pursue some treatments as aggressively as maybe I should have. However, they haven't left.

The fact of the matter is that they are running out of options. Every time we try something there is always the dichotomy between the chance that this might be the solution and the fear that it's just another thing that won't turn out to help. 30+ years of something will do that to you. And I've done enough research to know that this is approaching last chance saloon in terms of finding a working and unobtrusive solution. That scares me, I won't lie.

So once again it is approaching crunch time and I'm starting to feel twitchy. I know you will say that they know what they are doing and eventually something will come along, but it is hard. It is hard having tried so many different things and being no nearer a diagnosis, it is hard being positive all the time when you are going off faith and trusting somewhat to luck. And it is hard feeling that, no matter how much I try to articulate and explain my problem to people, there are a very small number of people who I think really get it. That isn't a slight on everyone who has been so supportive and wished me well, I couldn't thank you enough in all honesty.

Next week should therefore be a very positive day, a step in the right direction and one movement nearer to what will hopefully be a solution. A few deep breaths will be taken on Tuesday and then I'll attack the next phase as best I can and with a bit of luck my misgivings will slide away.

But in the meantime I hope you'll forgive me a little trepidation and a few moments of worry. I've never been very good when it comes to the crunch unfortunately!

Till next time,
DT