About me

This is not a cry for help, nor is it a plea for attention.

This is not a guilt trip, nor is it a play for sympathy.

This is, simply and honestly, the truth.

I hope that for those who know me this will explain a few things. For those who don’t know me, maybe there is something of value here for you too.

As far back as I can remember I have suffered from a medical condition. Without getting too deep into the details it is essentially a nerve problem which leads to a chronic form of constipation. The net result is an inability to regulate my “bodily movements”.

This means that I have long periods (months often) of “blocking up” followed by periods of excruciating pain and uncontrolled bowel habits which usually end up with a hospital trip or extreme intervention. Everything that has been tried so far has been unsuccessful, some of which I will admit has been down to my own inability to truly help myself. It remains undiagnosed though tests are ongoing.

The physical aspects are only a part of the story however, and part of the reason for doing this now is to help me deal with the psychological and mental aspects that I have unknowingly ignored.

Without consciously realising it, I have allowed this condition to dictate my life. Particularly bad cycles of it have left me emotionally, physically and mentally drained for long periods of time. The condition has always existed at the periphery of my thoughts, driving certain decisions and never leaving me truly free. It has been with me, in some respects, every day and I have allowed it to overwhelm me at times.

This condition will not drastically shorten my life span, nor does it leave me in constant physical pain or suffering but it has been a part of me for longer than I can remember and it has given me my very darkest moments. I have no doubt that it has in some way also contributed to some of the other problems I have had.

I have lost great opportunities to do things throughout my life, either directly due to physical condition or because I have been unable to commit to things for fear of something happening. The mental and emotional aspects of this condition (and my method of dealing with it) are so hard to articulate and yet so easy for others to dismiss as unimportant.

For example, when you know that sometimes you are unable to complete a single round of golf or game of cricket without the potential for “an accident” if drastically reduces your desire to do these things. So you don’t. But you give crappy, non-committal excuses because you aren’t strong enough to admit the simple truth. You destroy people’s belief and trust in you and the cycle goes on. I know it doesn’t sound like much but it can cripple you at times if you let it.

I know to some it may seem a minor problem and I am certainly making no attempt to put this on a level with terminal or life-changing illnesses. I have on occasion considered myself weak for allowing this to affect me so greatly, even now I feel like people will think that I am merely over-exaggerating for effect. And I can certainly understand how people could think the physical aspects trivial. But it is real and it is difficult.

I have tried to hide my fears and anxieties for so long now, resorting instead to withdrawal and isolation. Of course people close to me have known my struggles but I have kept so much buried away that only the tip of the iceberg remained - a mere fraction of what I have really been feeling. In truth I have buried some things so deep that even I have not been aware of just how it has affected me.

It has been a constant battle for me and one I have tried to ignore for too long. I was ashamed and embarrassed and in the end I pushed so many people away who only wanted to help – people who could see how I was struggling and who I have needlessly allowed to suffer with me.

Those who I should have trusted I didn’t and it has cost me. I have lost friends, I have missed out on opportunities and I have pushed away those who mean the most to me and those who I hold dearest. This condition and my inability to deal with it has led to the biggest regrets of my life and I have lost more than I ever thought I could have.

But enough is enough. Although the condition still remains undiagnosed I refuse to allow it to dictate my life any longer. I don’t know what the future holds but from today I refuse to be the person whose life is defined by this. I have fought an internal struggle with myself, my body and my mind every single day but the days of allowing this to overwhelm me, to drag me down and to consume me are over.

In all truthfulness the real struggle has always been an internal one with myself. Now I have finally understood and acknowledged the hold it has had, I can start to work towards the future with positivity. It will still be tough at times and I won’t always get it right so I apologise in advance.

This blog entry feels like the first step and a huge weight off my shoulders. The past is gone where it belongs and I intend to make sure the future is shaped by me and not my problems.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Here’s to the future.

Tom