Days 108,109,110,111,112 - Enough already

I'll be honest, this week has been bad. 

It is the first real week of the lockdown where I've felt helpless and lonely. As we drift into May it is becoming more and more apparent that this crisis still has a long way to go - and I have no idea when I'll see the people who are important again.

Possibly related to the above, I've had a mental block the entire time, running out of things to say without repeating myself. There are some things that in an ideal world I'd like to say, but sometimes the right thing to say is nothing - the good of the many more important than the good of one after all. Take a deep breath and control only those variables you have influence over.

Today marks two years since we said goodbye, physically, to mum. We'll never say a complete goodbye, those whom we love never truly leave. But it still hurts like hell. The voice of reason and calm has been missed more than I can ever say these last few years. With everything that has gone on, and with what may still be to come, you can't help think it may have been different had she been around.

It is draining, mentally and physically. My body isn't reacting well to the semi-enforced confinement (I managed 1km yesterday before my knee swelled to the size of a grapefruit - it's still not looking great) and no matter how many hobbies and distractions you give yourself there are still a lot of hours in the day for introspection. It is getting harder not to see Katie, and harder to watch people beginning to think about things moving towards normality back home when I am so far away and much a long way from normal. 

I'll also be honest in that I still harbour a resentment about this whole thing. I'm not arrogant enough to believe the universe has it in for me, I'm an invisible dot on an invisible dot after all, but sometimes I do look around last things and think "enough already". 

After every that happened last year, all the devastation and soul-gutting torment, this year was supposed to offer some relief. A chance to start afresh (not completely but at least partially) and take some time to discover me and make some positive changes to my life. And I am giving it my all to do that. As painful as it is to leave some things in the past I really felt like I was making great strides. 

Then this. I know I'm crying over nothing, I know in the grand scheme of things my suffering is pitiful compared to others. But dammit it feels like every time I make positive progress something jumps out to stall it. It sucks, it is debilitating and it makes me want to scream in frustration and anger.

I saw an article today which said it could be 2021 before Trump considers relaxing international travel to the point where I can have visitors or get home. Don't be fooled by his "open the country" rhetoric. It's all internal, the international community will have to wait. So that means I may not even be halfway through this. 

Its been 112 days since I gave Katie a hug, 112 days since I set off on this big adventure. I'd just like the world to uphold its end of the bargain and let me do what I set out to do. I'm not asking for the impossible, I'm not asking for anything beyond the norm. I'm just asking for a fair run at this. Enough already.

Till tomorrow, Tom